Daily Comments #6- Just place to plant your thoughts. No feedback required.

My anxiety is getting the better of me

I am so achy today. My back is just miserable. Must be weather related, people all around me are also complaining. I had the fourth class in the 20 week series. It seems to be going pretty good. We made a collage of what our safe place would look like. I think it might be helpful for the distancing coping skill. This weeks lesson is on communicating-putting a word to the emotions. I think that will be hard. They are very dim.

last time....

I got ready, showered, makeup, clothes and all......

keys in hand

ready to go

I looked down at my phone....and typed

think I am staying in tonight......like I always do

next time......

Im gonna go

meet someone new

have a good time

demmit

I imagine purgatory is akin to standing in the lobby, while waiting for a very slow elevator.

Then waiting to see if it goes up or down...didn't matter what button you pressed.

You would not believe how mad someone can get over thinking you did not answer their call. I'm glad my phone's call log backed up my statement of having no idea the phone rang...

How does one force oneself to move though the smothering black iron wall of anxiety? I apathetically change from Pj to Pj, needing only to wash sheets, towels and Pj's.

What is my line in the sand? Down to tap water? No TP? Will the ocean wash away the line before I finish putting it down? Am I no more than the tide washed grains?

My world reduced to no more than flat planes, no worlds here, just 2D paper print escapism. Ancient history is more real than present, tomorrows are never acknowledged and only seen in reverse through mirrors.

To reach out, to pick up the phone, to open my mouth,........ just the thought of doing so... drives me deeper within. My nest, an illusion of safety. It's hold comforts me all the same.

Looking in the mirror, out at tomorrow as it steals my breath away. Once more tell myself I will get dressed and go forth, tomorrow. I see reflected and trapped, tomorrow, tomorrows......many times, tomorrows.

Cold, then hot. Cold, then hot. Cold, cold, cold, then, hot, then cold again. I hate hormones

Sooo me too.

One of my cats, my evil one (who is not the beloved creature below), just had a bad reaction to taking another medicine with his prozac (for the 1st time), and he was LOSING it...meowing his head off, stumbling, dliated pupils, etc. It was really scary!

$110 at the ER vet and another few pills to chill him out (he's not there yet, quite), plus I almost had a panic attack. And it's only 5:30 in the morning. Where the heck is MY pill for this?

I have come to the conclusion that I cannot survive without a cup of coffee in the morning.

Attended a show last night with some amazing musicians from Norway who play ice instruments. They carve out all their instruments prior to each show. It has been a while since I've been so inspired. If you have a chance to look up Terje Isungset, please do! Simply beautiful!

Just a bit better today At least I was able to sleep last night!!!

I'm in the middle of attempting to make the most important decision of my life: whether to give up almost 25 years of marriage and someone I've known since I was 16. It would be entirely my decision and it would be something very, very hard to stick with because he would be fighting me the whole way, but I just don't feel like I can continue having my feelings denied and invalidated much longer. And please don't mention marriage counseling....he had a bad counselor when very young and will refuse to go.

So if I seem off more than usual, please understand why....

Why can't I stop thinking of you? :/

I am so past done with my mind obsessing about things I have no power to change at the moment.

Someone is missing... farmer girl?

CPR training in the morning. At least I get paid to attend this one. Now if I could just calm the anxiety of tests. Logic tells me it is just CPR...we all know it. I still have anxiety attacks around tests. I took an ativan tonight to calm me down.

awwww you're thinking of me?

so im leaning on this rail in burger king today and this man comes up to me and says "if that rail moves, you will fall"

isnt he such a hero it would have never dawned on me....lmao

My brain appears to be scrambled tonight. It was having a regular conversation amongst itself on the way home from running errands in town.

Argh! Too much studying and too few hours!!!!!

I want more coffee