Daily Comments #6- Just place to plant your thoughts. No feedback required.

I feel like I've learned how I think fairly well, what I'm prone to, how my mind thinks illogically, especially when it comes to relationships of ANY kind, and what it does to f**k me over time and again. If all of the following statements are true, why can't, even though I KNOW what's going to happen and how much it's going to hurt, can't I prevent it?

Where's my self-confidence and control?

Tomorrow morning I am going to see my Pdoc and take an ADHD exam. Today, I stopped taking the med he had been prescribing. On the lowest dose, there were side-effects such as nausea, headaches and drowsiness. Not taking it today and tomorrow will confirm that it was the cause of these problems though, I'm sure, it will take several days for it to totally exit my metabolism. I am also ordering more self-help books. I had differences with my psychologist at the last session and have not made another appointment. I continue to hang in there and waste my life.

Shift wars are underway at work. This should be interesting. I am not normally one to get caught up in the stupidity of "This crew is lazy" and "That crew is her favourites" crap, but this is developing into some interesting crossfire that even I have begun to play with to defend my night crew co-workers. Raise the banners and bring the cannons!

I can't believe this...... SO I picked up my yarn and knitting needles and started to knit a scarf... I had two balls of the same color. The pattern called for 3 balls.. SO I say to myself... Go ahead knit the two balls and then go buy the third ball. Can't be that much difference in lot colors? Right?

Wrong.. the third ball we recently bought isn't even the same texture, as it feels thinner, even tho it is the same brand... and not to mention that the color is different. The color looks faded.... ANd yes, you can tell...:*(

SOOOO do I tear it out and start over with the new 3 balls of yarn......or stop adding rows and just add fringes and hope you can't notice the difference in the color and texture............... ooooooo that is it.. just add fringes...

I can now speak French! Okay...jokes. But I can at least move on to the next level of course when they offer it through work again. Yay!

I think about this place too much.

This isn't meant to be mean or disparaging to anyone; it's just something I truly don't understand. Why do some people you've never talked to and have never really crossed paths with invite you to be a friend? When people do that do me, I kindly say "I don't mind accepting your friendship, but why since we've never talked and I don't know you?" Some people tell me they've enjoyed by posts or some other reason and I instantly receive them, but others seem bewildered or take offense at the question which isn't meant in a bad way at all. I just truly don't get it. I mean, how would you react if someone approached you off the street and asked to be your friend?

Spent hours trying to get a hold of outpatient therapy program and pdoc. No longer wondering why so many people let their MI go untreated. Grrrrr.

Do research online...there's a lot of resources. You can find out about insurance, if they're taking patients, and what their specialties are online before you ever pick up the phone. A lot of them even allow you to ask questions on line to make sure you seem like a good fit before you actually try to get an appointment.

Maybe because we all share a common link here and perhaps a person does enjoy your posts but isn't sure that's a good enough reason. If I didn't enjoy someone's posts, I would never ask them to be my friend in the first place.

Thanks for the advice! I already have a pdoc, but I was just discharged from inpatient, so I had to get a new prior authorization form for my meds, make new appts with her and my T, get a physician referral for a Partial Hospitalization Program, etc. etc. It was just an exhausting day.

ALL of my MH issues are focused around interpersonal relationships, not being able to handle criticism, and low self esteem, and the virtual world is far from excluded from this. I've been in a two day funk over stuff that happened HERE. I didn't mean to offend anyone...but I'm not going to change the way I feel. I do that too often as it is.

No one asked you to change how you feel. I was simply answering your inquiry, not judging you. And my answer was how I feel.

The last two days at work have been a beating...

Stompin' Tom...you did good son. Thanks.

Tillsonburg...my back still aches when I heard that word...

"Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not!"

A lot part of my identity...of who I am...and as a BPD I don't KNOW who I am...is helping people. I taught English for over 20 years and now that part of me is gone. I try to make up for it by helping people around here, but not everyone can be helped or even wants to be helped and it sends me in to a spiral everytime. I guess I really don't know who I am anymore.

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you're always afraid
You step out of line, the man come and take you away

Do you know how hard it is to put on the facade, day after day...week after week...that everything is just fine, and "I'm fine, thank you very much"? You start to wonder if perhaps you might be able to convince yourself of it, because everyone else seems to believe you...

Why do I keep having horrific nightmares? I almost hate going to sleep anymore.

I guess I get unsatisfactory on playing well with others and being a good friend. I'm not sure if people are angry and contemptuous of me or if it's just distorted perception on my part. I'm sorry if I have bothered or upset anyone or misinterpretted their intentions.