[IchbinkeinTeufel]

How do you deal with these special individuals?

By passive-aggressive, I mean offensive, rude, obnoxious, patronising, and condescending &%&$ers who need a slap. You know the sort, ... they'll stand there smiling at you and be all friendly, despite insulting you, demeaning you, and generally being a royal rectum. Or the sort who offend you and then act the wounded soldier when you rightfully get pissed off, as though you were somehow inappropriate for not just being a welcome mat to their insecurities and their own pent up aggression.

[gayleggg]

I have cut these people out of my life and avoid letting them enter my space. I know that sometimes this isn't possible and I just grin and bare it if I can't avoid them. It sucks but it keeps the peace.

[pegasus]

Walk away...

I was bullied by one at work nearly two years ago, which is what brought me into therapy. I was referred from work to well being at work. I was referred also to a counsellor. I was at the point of physically attacking her. Unfortunately, she triggered me, which I didn't know at the time, so it was a double whammy for me. I went through the grievance procedure at work & she was eventually found out & exposed. She destroyed me for quite a while, but I won in the end. She lost her job, which in my opinion, was a very light sentence as nothing less than burning at the stake would have been acceptable to me!! That's what they did to her ancestors at Salam anyway. Lol. I can't just walk away, as people like that take life away from you, bit by bit, destroying your soul. Record every exchange with the person, and how their tone to you was etc and then expose them. Sneaky, weak, nasty people.

[Almeera]

I have a guy like this at work. Some days, I'm sorely tempted to pick up my keyboard and smash it over his head. Our desks are face to face, so he feels entitled to my time and attention while he sits there passing judgment on everything and everyone - including themes that are sensitive/triggering for me (that he knows d*mn well about!) At first I felt obliged to answer to him every time, but over time I just started to ignore him.

Funny thing - he started becoming more and more desperate for my attention (largely because everyone else in the office knew him for what he was and didn't give him their attention anymore). At some point, he started shouting and waving his arms. He brought up controversial stuff, trying to provoke me. I was raging so hard inwardly, but outwardly I said without looking up from my work, "I'm busy." That's it. He kept raving. I kept ignoring. And that's how the power shifted in this dynamic.

Note, though, that this guy never got physical or discriminatory. If he had, I would've gone to our manager straight away. There are lines that should never be crossed; if your situation is that severe, I think JoBo's story fits more than mine here.

[Hellion]

I get more and more confused every time I hear this term...first I thought it was when you intentionally do things to get your way through manipulation. Or like if you're friendly to someone in person but talk negatively behind their back and do subtle things to 'insult' and/or upset that person and then claim to have done nothing.

Being condescending or rude seems much more like direct aggression not passive aggression....uhh either way both those behaviors are unpleasant to be on the receiving end of.

[Catelya]

.there's loads of people that love to upset other people. Maybe they have some kind of trigger too.

[eskielover]

I was married to a guy for 33 years who I would ask to do something & he would agree, then he would never do it. Or if he did do it he would mess it up so bad I would end up having to take care of it myself.

He would also say he was going to do something when not even asked & he would never do that either.

It's no wonder our marriage was nothing but a constant battle.....I didn't have tolerance for his behavior & he claimed that he didn't do it on purpose. It was so irritating.....tried to tolerate it but it became impossible after I lost my career & couldn't hide from the marriage any longer.

Sort of along the passive aggressive lines.....he when he would get information he would hide it from me until I managed to find out & confront him about it. When asked why he didn't communicate all I would get was "I don't know"

NEVER an apology for his behavior either. Guess he felt that because he didn't do it on purpose that he didn't owe anyone an apology.

I was seeing red by the time I finally left but leaving & moving 2100 miles away was the best thing I ever did in my life.....& all communication from that point on had to be in writing what little he communicated.

Oh yes, after I left, I asked for specific things to be sent to me....you would think that if you wondered what the item was that you would ask or take a photo & email it asking if this was what I meant.....NOPE....I got many items that were entirely wrong because he was so sure that he was sending me what I asked for (or maybe just to lazy to bother checking).

After 33 years of "I didn't do it on purpose" it seriously felt like the behavior was seriously ON PURPOSE.

I have since come to realize that there are some syndroms that do come across in some areas of their behavior as passive aggressive even though the person actually isn't. That has eased my anger but it hasn't made me want to go back to living around that behavior.

[LindaLu]

Years ago I heard a description of passive aggressive along the lines of, The person whose precise behavior you can't put a finger on, but they manage to infuriate you and others.

All workplaces harbor some these people. Congrats to JoBo, I've had a couple triumphs like that when those abusers get exposed after my complaints and others stacked up, but it was always after they caused non-ignorable damage in the workplace.

My outlook is everyone starts with 100 points (figuratively, not literally) and loses points as they demonstrate natural humanity, foibles, and weakness. When they fall below 40 (eg not giving what they're taking) it's time to assess their character and relationship.

Well, I say all that but was caught up with a partner from whom excuses for f'ing up all the time were just charming. Used me no end. Left me for a string of other savior type women of diminishing means to support him. Wound up homeless, poor guy.

Oh. That's ANOTHER characteristic...the passive aggressive are often charming. Part of a winning strategy to maximize their personal outcomes.

[Koko2]

I just read the wiki article. So they're basically slackers like Beetle Bailey? I thought it was people who sugarcoat mean comments in a friendly way, who covertly want to beat you, who act like your friend but secretly harbor ill will for you.

[LiteraryLark]

Hm, the only people who I've had to deal with who are passive aggressive are the customers at my former job, and you can't say anything about it, just kill them with kindness.

[elevate44]

tru dat! was with one for 20+ years and you nailed it.

[-jimi-]

Originally Posted by Hellion

I get more and more confused every time I hear this term...first I thought it was when you intentionally do things to get your way through manipulation.

The way I was taught, passive-aggression is like that, like being late punishing your boss and sabotaging in secrecy.

But I heard so many definitions I stopped caring about what it meant, better to use other words in my case.

I got really surprised being accused of being passive-aggressive and there was a lot of misunderstandings. I had to ask what they really meant, and they plain meant hostile. Which for me is nothing to do with passive.

[Rihanna2000]

Hello please may I ask a question

my friend accused me of sending a passive aggressive text - would you guys be able to verify whether my text is or is not passive aggressive?

"ok you saw me went offline im sorry i was only saying hi"

Thanks everyone

[eskielover]

When I initially read this post without reading your other one with the explanation it didn't make any sense to me & had no idea how to answer it.....so I'm including your other post that holds the overall picture of what actually happened...as statements taken out of context can't be analyzed.

My dad was online and active on whatsapp and was ignoring my messages (whatsapp shows this)

I just sent a few messages saying hi and asking how he is and sent a lovely picture of sunset.

whatsapp showed he was online still then went offline and ignored my messages.

I then messaged him this which he now claims is passive aggressive and made him very angry.

"Ok you saw me then went offline Im sorry I was only saying hi "

Please would someone help me identify if this is passive aggressive as my dad accuses me of. If it is passive aggressive I will apologise. It was not mny intention to be passive aggressive I was just communicing that whatsapp shows that he ignores my messages when he uses whatsapp and disappears offline without acknowledging me.

Actually not sure your comment was passive aggressive but it does assume maybe wrongly that your father actually saw you online & actually saw your messages. A lot of times our computers show us online when we aren't even sitting at the computer & wouldn't possibly even hear that we have received a message.....we come back to the computer & log off without even looking......so you were assuming that your father was sitting there at his computer at the time you sent the messages.

He might have felt that this message you are asking us about was trying to make him feel guilty for something he didn't even know was going on. That's NOT actually passive aggressive but you do need to be careful about assumptions & think of all the possibilities rather than narrow thinking that gives you only one option of what you think is actually happening.....that has more to do with lack of awareness.

I'm sure your Dad would have responded if he had actually seen your message. That's the difficulty with online communication....we REALLY don't know what the other person is doing at the time we are messaging them.

[marmaduke]

eskielover My ex husband was the same. Nothing was EVER his fault, he was always right. He was lazy, if I did dare to insist he helped he would make sure it was a disaster, then blame me because 'You made me do it'.
Like a toddler.

I think your father was being passive aggresive, not you.
Why would a dad even take issue with your text? Sounds like a nit picker.

[Dog on a Tree]

Try to cut those type of people out of your life. There not worth the time and effort. If you're unable to then try your best to be the better person by not reacting negatively. Eventually they won't be part of your life.

[Rihanna2000]

thank you - my dad has a habbit of doing this to others too ignores their whatsapps and messages others - he ignored me for 3 days. which hurt so i sent him the message.

i just wanna know if it read passive aggressive? thank you

Originally Posted by eskielover

When I initially read this post without reading your other one with the explanation it didn't make any sense to me & had no idea how to answer it.....so I'm including your other post that holds the overall picture of what actually happened...as statements taken out of context can't be analyzed.


Actually not sure your comment was passive aggressive but it does assume maybe wrongly that your father actually saw you online & actually saw your messages. A lot of times our computers show us online when we aren't even sitting at the computer & wouldn't possibly even hear that we have received a message.....we come back to the computer & log off without even looking......so you were assuming that your father was sitting there at his computer at the time you sent the messages.

He might have felt that this message you are asking us about was trying to make him feel guilty for something he didn't even know was going on. That's NOT actually passive aggressive but you do need to be careful about assumptions & think of all the possibilities rather than narrow thinking that gives you only one option of what you think is actually happening.....that has more to do with lack of awareness.

I'm sure your Dad would have responded if he had actually seen your message. That's the difficulty with online communication....we REALLY don't know what the other person is doing at the time we are messaging them.

[Fuzzybear]

Cut them out of your life. If they continue to be idiotic, offensive and insulting...just remember they aren't worth a moment of your time.

[-jimi-]

Someone I communicate with accuses me daily of not feeling what I say I feel about her. I think she's basically a cool person (but has problems). Every time I need to go do something she tells me I don't like her and I say I need to go cuz I don't want to speak to her (on messenger/chat).

I dunno what this is called...

Sorta drives me crazy cuz that is accusing me of lying and I told her so but she just keeps on with it.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

I challenge them in a calm, non-judgemental or confrontational way - 'Well there might be something in what you say, but are you sure etc, etc'. That way they get no pay-off from their unhelpful thinking, and possibly they may benefit form being shown the error of their activities.

[eskielover]

I have times with messaging that I don't have time to respond....but a hi/hello is quick....but if I'm in a hurry many times I don't see a PM at the time I'm trying to get off the computer & end up not seeing it until I come back on whenever that is. Many times if a PM requires a long response, I will give a quick reply to let them know I read it & explain that I don't have time at the moment to give them the reply I need to give & will get back with them when I have more time.

That way they don't feel like I'm ignoring them hopefully.

[kindachaotic]

My S-I-L is like this with me & probably others that she thinks are not in her 'class or circle'. Can usually ignore but occasionally will shoot back a one or two word response that shuts her up. Then next time you see her she's all sweet like everything's just peachy...

In her job she's over hundreds of people in 2 US cities 1 in Canada. A large automobile company you'd instantly recognize. So a lot transfers from being boss to being a regular/average person in society.

Good thing is they live 3hrs away so don't visit. Sad thing is my brother has gone from being a really sweet guy to being very closed off & evasive. They've been married 15yrs. She's always forbidden him from talking about their lives or his life. He only calls when she's not around. Just sad.

This type person is the most insulting & irritating of all. I'd rather someone blast me bluntly than be pass-agr. At least you know where you stand with each other.

In the 27yrs I was able to work could nip this & not take it personally. But family is very hurtful, to me anyway. Also have never kept any people in my personal life that acted that way, too toxic.

This turned into a rant, sorry...

[*Laurie*]

I believe P-A's are some of the most toxic and potentially dangerous people there are. I have consciously opted to cut some P-A's out, out, out of my life. The one who remains is my husband of 30 years. MAJOR P-A and it is difficult for me to tolerate him. BUT he pays the bills so for now, I tolerate him.

P-A's are bullies of the worst sort, bullies who never, EVER cop to being bullies. They gaslight, they change the game on you than BLAME you when you react normally to the changes they pulled. They are inauthentic people who frequently don't know their own true feelings. Oftentimes they are narcissistic personalities. Watch out for them, they will eat you alive if allowed to.

[eskielover]

Maybe a good definition of Passive aggressive is in order rather than the "what we've heard" & what we "think it is". Found several articles that define PA behavior & why people use it. I think it's one of the most mis-understood behaviors. I remember reading about it when I was trying to determine whether it was a behavior my H had. I remember reading at that time that we all have PA tendencies at some time in our life about certain things. In reading these articles...passive aggressive behavior is definitely tied to unexpressed anger....but it the person's way of expressing anger they don't want to directly come out with.

Some of the most common passive aggressive behaviors to be aware of include:

Procrastination
Behaving beneath customary standards
Pretending not to see, hear, remember, or understand requests
The silent treatment
Sulking & withdrawal
Gossiping

Passive aggressive adults are experts at getting others to act out their hidden anger.

Passive aggressive persons spend their lives avoiding direct emotional expression and guarding against open acknowledgment of their anger.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...ssive-behavior

Interesting reasons why people use passive aggressive behavior:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...ssive-behavior

I'm sure that if we look deep inside all of us there has been a time that we too have used that behavior we hate in others.

Given this technical definition of passive aggressive I can see why your comment would have been considered passive aggressive:

my dad has a habbit of doing this to others too ignores their whatsapps and messages others - he ignored me for 3 days. which hurt so i sent him the message....."Ok you saw me then went offline Im sorry I was only saying hi "

You were hurt & angry because you felt that he ignored you for 3 days & you avoided direct emotional expression and acknowledgment of that anger....so I can see how it could have been interpreted as a passive aggressive statement.