Anybody else feel like the game is over?

I'm 32 and I feel like the game is over. I'm on disability, little to no friends, no children, no relationship, the person I fell head over heels for isn't interested in me at all . Sometimes I just wonder why I keep playing the game.

Although I would never wish for anyone to have these feelings, it is comforting to know that I am not the only one.The only time I have really lived without trauma are the years between the beginning of college through to the age of 25, when I first started having depression and then hypomania.

For four years I lived with two people who were my best friends. I had some
wonderful times with them, but I was still going through constant periods of mania and depression.

I too wonder about whether or not I will ever fall in love or get married or have kids. Being a mother has never been very important to me, but I would at least like to have that option. What I fear is being old and alone.

It is a terribly sad feeling to think that you will never fall in love at our age. Especially if you have never been in love before at all. Now I feel that the only men who are available to me are ones that have their own baggage, and I may possibly even be relegated to being with a man who is mentally ill himself. Two mentally ill people in a relationship cannot hold their fragile lives together. And of course, having a child with two mentally ill parents exponentially increases the chance of the child having mental illness. You have to ask yourself, is it even fair, is it even the right thing to do to bring a child into this world with such a high chance of being mentally ill? Would you ever want your child to have to go through the emotional horrors that you yourself have had to face for years on end? It is a moral question.

2 weeks ago this was exactly how I felt. But the combination of several situations and incidents yanked me from such Depression to a more stable state where I could better cope. HOPE is the reason for the change. A lack of hope has always been the missing factor whenever I have been in such a painful state.

How do we get hope? It doesn't seem to be something we can garner ourselves rather something that triggers it from outside. In my case it was my daughter reaching out to me, my son spending some time with me and a major game changing day.

My suggestion then isn't to tell you to be hopeful because that doesn't seem to be something we can just do. Instead I think we need to ready ourselves for when something happens to give it to us. We need, I think, to be actively be on the lookout for such a moment to come into our lives. When we are so Depressed it is hard to see those moments; perhaps even we choose not to see them.


Today I wake up looking forward to my day.