How to be less boring

I think I'm an extremely boring person. I work with people all day- selling in a small family business and private tutor. I'd like to be more funny and exciting but simply don't know how.
I'm constantly told I'm sweet, kind and responsible, but I also think I'm boring because I have nothing to talk about in small talk. I don't go anywhere as I don't have any friends in this small town and I don't watch movies or series... Many people tell me I make them at ease by being relaxed but I would like to be seen as more cheerful and interesting person, not just a sort of "sweet girl with no real personality".
When I'm with people I let them talk about them and only respond to what they are saying because I have nothing to say myself. I don't have any interesting stories and nothing I can share. Not because I don't want to get personal but simply because I don't think I have anything interesting to say :/
Are you guys like this? Do you have any tips on how to become more interesting?

Perhaps you need to expand upon your pool of knowledge and experience. The more you know about the more you have to converse about. Find what interests you and do some research and exploring of it. Also, make sure you are up to date with current events. This always makes holding conversations much easier. Get out and do things too like arts, cultural, and even sporting events. Hit the museums. In short, arm yourself with a wealth of knowledge and information (I am not joking here, but some of the coolest sources of good conversation is the trivia I have picked upon from bathroom readers. No lie.). I am not saying be an expert but having some trivia and knowledge up your sleeve is always a good thing.

Finally, observe observe observe. How do other people manage to do it? Can you learn anything from them?

It's difficult because this is a very small town of only 18 thousand people. No museums, no exciting events here and I don't have a car due to health problems. Last year I began walking in the local woods and enjoyed it a lot, it helped my anxiety and depression tremendously, but that's not an interesting topic for others.

I also began doing paint by numbers ad my new hobby- too boring too!
I am currently forcing myself to play the keyboard although I'm not that much into music either...
When I read, it's only about psychology- not suitable for small talk with adults at the shop and definitely not suitable for small talk with my young teen students.

I should force myself to watch some series that are popular nowadays or something like that...

My natural personality is extremely dull as I enjoy topics that almost no normal people are interested in- I used to like astronomy as a kid (not anymore), spirituality, philosophy, psychology and therapy... none of those is a suitable conversation topic. I guess the only "normal" hobby I have is cooking and healthy diet although I have some "alternative" opinions about healthy eating and I'm not interested in discussing that with strangers.
I have a cat and a spider, too. Maybe I could mention that with the kids. But I don't know... somehow nothing seems to me like others would be interested in... Nothing that happens in my life seems so important that I should share it with others. Or those things are so deep that they aren't suitable for discussion in professional relationships (things relating to my mental health etc).

I'm so sorry, seeker33 Maybe the problem isn't you, maybe you just need to find the right people? I understand the frustration of living in a small town, perhaps there's some clubs or online chats you could join and try to see if there are people with interests similar to yours? I think the things you've mentioned are perfectly valid hobbies, you just need to find the right people. Don't give up your search! I hope you'll be able to find what you're looking for. I think you're perfectly fine the way you are, if you ask me. Perhaps you could try to find some new hobbies, but don't force yourself. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

Thanks, MIckey. I have online places where I discuss my interests (PC is one of them). BUt what bothers me more is that I should be able to chat with real people I meet daily. Mainly my students before we begin and after the lesson ends. Since I don't have a car, last year a lady drove me to her place by her car so I could teach her preschooler. Those 15 minutes in the car were hell for me. I wanted so badly to talk normally with her but I just felt so awkward. I did talk however it was very difficult and usually I felt like an idiot.

I'm not anxious or shy, I simply have no idea what to say. Sometimes I'm trying so hard to think what I should say next that I don't listen properly to them and then I say something totally off topic which is embarrassing.

I think I’m boring too... by other people’s standards... but I don’t feel bored... I like to walk and read. I like meaningful and deep conversations and I’m terrible at mindless chit chat. The idea of watching TV shows and sports and learning about current events so I can talk about them just sounds dreadfully boring to me... and superficial since those aren’t my genuine interests. I don’t know what the answer is. It’s hard for me to make friends because my interests are different and I tend to be a quiet person.

Thank you so much, Sisabel, seems like we've got a lot in common

I don't think this is true at all. And, I think that THESE kinds of topics are EXACTLY what makes someone interesting to talk to.

I mean, if you just stick to TV, or the weather, or sports... that's all sort of... well, there's not much "meat" there for conversation. If you start to talk about psychology (it doesn't have to be "what's wrong with people" psychology, you could talk about personality, how people interpret things going on around them, what methods are effective for self-improvement, what new discoveries you've recently heard about and how people are reacting to them!) - or philosophy (oh my goodness if somebody approached me and started chatting about philosophy, I think I'd do backflips of joy, and think they were the most non-boring person ever!)

Maybe being "interesting" is partly being willing to take a conversational risk and broach some of these topics. Sometimes you'll strike out, it won't resonate with the other person, but other times you might just find yourself in an amazing, fun, unbelievable conversation!

I just wouldn't bop somebody over the head with heavy hitting topics too quickly, unless you know them well and know they're interested in that stuff. You start small, dangle a little bit of conversation out there and see if they show interest.

I also happen to think that what you're already doing is GREAT - when you let other people talk, they tend to see you as less boring, because most people love to talk about themselves.

I don't know. I guess I also (since you asked, lol, sorry!) think there's not really such a thing as a "boring person". When I'm with some people, I look insanely boring. With some people, I just end up not quite connecting - so the conversation fizzles. The things that interest me are useless to them, or we can't figure out a good pattern for talking (i.e. one person talks too much, the other person can't get a word in). With other people, I practically sparkle with oddity and interestingness. It's not really me, I'm not that interesting - it's just a good match between me and the person I'm talking to (I think).

BTW re: TV, have you seen/heard of the show "The Good Place"? The theme of the show is built around moral philosophy (they even discuss philosophers during the first season). I don't know if you'd like - it's a very silly comedy. But, it's also got this cool vein of philosophy running through it, and asks the question, "What does it really mean to be a 'good' person?" - if you were interested in talking philosophy with people, that might be a good way "in". It sort of makes it more palatable (I think) to people who wouldn't otherwise give philosophy much thought.

Just some random thoughts... Good luck!

Hmm. I think this might be a different issue (sorry I didn't read all the way through before my last reply).

This just sounds like a fairly normal introvert thing to me. I'm an introvert, and also hate small talk. I've gotten better at it by practicing on people at the grocery store (people who work there, not other customers - for example, I might ask the cashier how their day is going, or compliment their scarf.) But I *still* sometimes feel that sense of awkwardness when I'm with someone and don't know what to say.

Two things that might help:

1. If the person is an extrovert, you won't likely be in this situation, they'll be chatting enough to keep the conversation going. If they're an introvert, they probably feel just as awkward as you do

2. What's the point of small talk? I think that having an answer to this that satisfies you helps it not feel so meaningless. For me, it's a little about connecting (albeit in a superficial way) and a little more about how you start a relationship. Most people won't dive in to a deep conversation with someone that they don't know - it feels risky. You might end up rejected, made fun of, or you might just have drastically different world views in a way that leads to conflict. Small talk is a way to gentle start to understand each other and how you react. It's a way to get to know them and to know whether they'd be a good person to talk to more (for me).

For me, that makes it feel a little less meaningless. It's still not my favorite thing, but at least I have a way to make it make sense.

Screw that noise, eff everyday people, people suck. If you feel you have nothing exciting to talk about then either make stuff up or go do interesting stuff.

Why worry about if people think your interesting? Do you think that person/people are going to go around and tell other people your boring?

I have nothing to talk about with people, I have never done anything interesting. I don't care, I avoid talking to people and that includes me leering at them angrily when they start to talk and if they continue or I'm annoyed (which is most of the time) I just tell them I'm not interested. Somehow it hasn't affected my life in anyway.

Thank you so much Guilloche! Yes, I'm a typical introvert. I find talking exhausting. But what's interesting is that I can be funny with kids when it's a part of lesson plan. Such as role plays, songs and dancing or making crafts. My mum was in the next room recently and she commented about how I made that child laugh and she heard her giggling whole lesson. But the thing is I can only do that when it's planned or an instruction that I read in the teaching manual. I can't do this sort of things when I don't have a clear how to guide. Which I don't have in 99% of situations. And it's not a good idea to talk to adults making funny voices, right?
I think this goes deeper, to the core of my mental issues because I find it very difficult to do anything unless I get Instructions and know exactly what is expected of me. I also learned that mostly when I spoke about my interests I was called boring or weird (in childhood) so nowadays as an adult I miss instruction about what I have to do and I find it difficult to play my expected role in conversation. However it's not that I know what would I say if I could! The problem is I don't know what I want to say.
It's absolutely the worst when people ask me how I am. In my culture, it is expected to actually answer the question. You should say what you're doing that day or complain about something or talk about your medical issues (e.g.back pain). If you only say "fine thanks" it's a polite way of suggesting you're not interested in the conversation.
It's worst when my former colleague from work who's trying to be polite and talk to me but I always answer "I'm fine thanks" as if I didn't want to talk to her... I'll have to prepare the answer for this but nothing comes to my mind...
I'm just terrible. Sometimes I feel like a person with mild aspergers. Or maybe it's a result of life long situation where I was expected to say and do the right thing, both at home and with my "friends". And now suddenly when I'd like to be natural and relaxed I have no idea how to do it. I'll need to discuss this with my T.
Also sometimes when I talk and the other person seems to be listening I panic because I get anxious "they are paying attention to me, I can't embarrass myself now". Then I sometimes stutter or something like that. It's different when I'm explaining stuff to my students. I have my instructions and know exactly what to say and do because I prepare in advance. However as soon as the lesson ends I'm lost again.
I'll check out the series you mention, thanks.

Nouaeforaname thank you for your reply, I think you're a cool person :-)

I'm glad you found it helpful! Sometimes, I get excited by a topic that I think is interesting, and just... kind of overdo it Then, I think I might scare people off a little!

That IS interesting that you can be funny with kids. Even if it's something that you directed to do, it still requires *you* to do it! Do you find it's less stressful - like you're less worried about being embarrassed?

Something else to think about, especially relating to the childhood stuff... are you familiar with the Meyers-Briggs personality types? (Introversion is one of the scales they use.) Some types are *much* less common. For example, here, it's estimated that 75% of people are extroverts... so as an introvert, you're already in the minority. If you're also more of an "N" (intuitive-type) rather than "S" (sensor) - it's the same thing, ~75% of people are Sensors. If you're both an introvert and an intuitive - then you start to be an "oddball", you're going to think, act, and feel differently than most of the people you meet in everyday life.

What I thought was meaningful about this (I'm likely an "IN**" type) - one person pointed out that growing up, in an average class at school, you'll have mostly extroverted sensing types. For these kids, they look around and see that almost everyone is just like them - they interact in a similar way, they have similar interests, and they just kind of "fit in". Their basic experience from a young age is one of fitting in! For people who are a rarer type, you look around and might be lucky to find one other person in your class that is similar to you. So, from a very young age, you feel like "I don't fit in".

I could very much relate to this!

Also... it made me so sad to read that, growing up, other kids told you that your interests were weird or boring! I kind of hope that now, as an adult (especially since you work with kids), that you can think back on how limited a kid's worldview is... and how little they actually know .

re: What to say when people ask how you're doing. Oh, wow! The fact that the people where you live actually want to know, and think it's rude to just say, "I'm fine, how about you?" - is kind of blowing my mind ( =interesting! ). Here, while it can be an invitation to talk more about things going on with you, it's definitely the norm to just say "fine" and move on to the rest of the conversation.

That's kind of amazing, but gosh, I can imagine the pressure, and not wanting to give off the wrong impression!

Have you ever thought of being honest (maybe with someone you know well and trust) - and saying something like, "I'm good, but I'm struggling a little with how to keep a conversation going. It seems like such a natural easy thing for other people, even for you, but I get a little nervous sometimes. Do you have any great tips?"

Is it OK, socially, to answer positively if you give more details (beyond "fine")? Like, "I'm really happy... I was able to hike this morning, and had such a lovely time walking around the lake behind my house. It was blissful. How are you?"

And, hope that's helpful and not too pushy. I know, sometimes, it kind of misses the point when someone tells you, "you should just say/do this!". But those are things that I might try.

re: The potential for embarrassment... yup! It does suck, and I think we all get nervous about that. But, I also am starting to think that a lot of times, things that make me feel absolutely mortified (like, "Oh no! How could I have said that, they must think I'm a total idiot. I don't think I can ever talk to this person again!") - seem to be not such a big deal to the other person.

I'm sorry that it's so hard to figure out what direction to go with a conversation though, when you have no "directions". That's really rough, because it is sooooo wide open. It might take a little experimentation? Like, think about what you'd like to try in advance, then watch what kind of reactions you get? Sometimes thinking of it that way, like "I'm just trying this out to see if it works better" can be helpful too.

I hope that if you check out the show, you like it! It's silly, but I really enjoyed it. I do love thinking about the issues that they raise about what it means to be a good person. (But in fairness, I enjoy the silliness too!) I recorded the finale tonight, and it's just about over... so I may have to go watch it now!

Take care, Seeker33!

Wow, I appreciate so much that you wrote such an exhaustive reply! I could really feel you care and that is comforting to me! Sometimes all we need is someone else to listen, right?
I find your idea about being a less common personality type interesting. Yes, I am a type called "mediator" by Meyers Briggs. I guess that's not very common. I was also the only foreign child in this small twin. And I have a small genetic deformity that makes me different too. So as a child, fitting in on various levels became my top priority. I have to confess I'm still deeply touched anytime I realise I have something common with other people. I can't explain it, but whenever someone assumes I'm normal or treats me like an ordinary person, it warms my heart. I don't know why because I have many positive experiences with people every day. People are kind to me and smile. Yet every single time it surprises me. Every time i consider it as something unusual and something I should appreciate. Because deep inside I still believe I'm strange and abnormal and don't really belong to human species. And it seems even many positive experiences in my current life can't change my core beliefs :-( but whatever... It doesn't matter.

.

I believe you can do this, seeker33! It probably takes a lot of practice as well. Take all the time you need. Sending many hugs to you

I'm an introvert, too, and I had to learn how to make small talk. One thing I've learned is to ask people questions about themselves. Believe me, they won't think that's boring. Even if you don't know anything about the topic, they will talk about it. And you'll learn more!

I have to get off the computer and try to get to bed, things are a little crazy here right now (loads of anxiety!)... but I wanted to reply and let you know that I saw this!

re: "Mediator" type - I had to look it up to double check, but I think I may be that type too ("INFP"). I never feel very sure, but it's my best guess right now... so yup, I get it

I think it's really, really hard when you're "different" as a kid... I'm sorry that you went through that. I hate that our childhoods (when we have the least control over our own lives) have such a strong influence over who we become and how we interact with the world.

I don't know if this is true for you too, but I also find that as an adult, I find it really hard to find people that I really, truly "click" with. It's easy enough to find "acquaintances" but so much harder to find people that can develop into great, deep friendships. It makes me sad, and I don't know if my therapist really understands... it's not about "you need to go make more friends", it's about "but how do I find the people that I actually enjoy connecting with, when there are so few of them?"

>>" Because deep inside I still believe I'm strange and abnormal and don't really belong to human species. And it seems even many positive experiences in my current life can't change my core beliefs :-( but whatever... It doesn't matter. "

Lots of hugs... it matters, because you matter! And, what if being "strange" IS part of being human? What if all the weirdness, in some weird way, actually just proves that you really are part of the human species?

I don't want to belabor the point... but I think you sound lovely! Thoughtful, intelligent, and definitely interesting. And, definitely human!

I wouldn't be that concerned about small talk. By definition its minor conversation ie nothing deep, let alone monumental. Its not suppose to be anything deep, profound Are you any meetups to your liking where you live? Realize you don't drive. How i the public transporation where you live?

I don't think you're boring at all, Seeker33. I think you're a really nice, caring person and I appreciate the private messages you've sent me.

It's exactly the fact that it's not supposed to be deep that's difficult! It's easier to talk about important and interesting things than empty chat about nothing. The thing is absolutely nothing happens in my town, it's so small. You can go to exercise (aerobics) or to the pub/coffee (but none of my friends live here so I have no one to go with). Then there's cinema and I went there last week which could be used in small talk I guess. Once in a couple of months there's theatre.
Maybe someone I could go to the theatre in the town that's more than an hour away by bus, but that would have to be planned and probably in the spring when days are longer.
I'm not very interested in meeting people because I'm forced to work with them all day. I enjoy it but I need to be left alone and just breathe in the evening.

It got me on Tuesday again... My 13yo student who's an extrovert asked me how I was and I just said OK but tired because I had to get up early. Maybe I can just invent things such as I'm going for a coffee with my friend in the evening (even if that's not true) in order to appear more normal. I just have to prepare what to say in advance so I'm not caught by surprise.