[lenjan]

A very dear friend of many years' standing learned in September that he had oral cancer. (He had been a longtime heavy smoker, but quit like 20 years ago.)

He started radiation in September, wrapped up in mid-November. Didn't get better. Got it looked at in January and discovered the radiation didn't work.

First week of January, he had surgery. They had to take out a significant part of his tongue (gross, I know, sorry). Though he can't eat normally (on a feeding tube) and can barely speak, he called to wish me a happy birthday in the midst of all the crap happening to him. I cried and cried.

Recently he learned the surgery didn't fix anything, either. He went to a skilled nursing facility for a bit while they tried an experimental type of chemo. Today he found out that the chemo has not only not worked, it has made his tumor bigger. He is bagging the skilled nursing facility and coming home to hospice care. No estimate on how long.

I'd like to hear people's experiences with seeing/not seeing people you love before the clearly inevitable end. For a number of reasons, I only got to see my dad 2 weeks before he died. He could not eat, walk, talk, or sit up by himself. It is NOT the last memory of him I wanted. John has been a huge part of my life for years, and while I want to hug him and tell him I love him, I don't know if I want to see him this way. Am I being selfish or stupid or ? All I know right now is that I can't envision my life without him in it and I don't want to. If only that would make it not happen.

Thanks.

Candy