Loss of child

I know this isnt recent but I was triggered by my own post. (is that possible?) I was helping someone who had a miscarriage. Same type of thing happened to me. My son. at 5.5 months into pregnancy was born due to being induced. he was missing a leg and had not formed a proper chest cavity. he had spina bifida and all of his important organs were in the stomach. we knew he wouldnt have survived. I chose to induce labor and let my baby die in my arms. As of July 24th, My son, Luke would be 11. He was born on July 24h at ten pm, died at 12:50 am on july 25th. He lived almost three hours. We had him baptized and measured just like any other baby.

Ive always grieved for him. In silence and out loud. Ive kept him in my heart for 11 years now. All Ive ever wanted was to hear somebody call me mom. I know it wasnt in the plans for me. Ive never been able to conceive since. I often wonder what my life will be like when I get to be retired. My husband loves me, stays with me, but I know hes always wanted a child. The guilt I feel is horrible.

I grieve a lot over luke, but today the hurt inside is horrible.

thanks for letting me get this off my chest
C

(((Cthomas))) - I'm so sorry for your loss. Yes it's very normal to get triggered by your own post, especially when you're sharing a painful experience. You sharing your pain, helped the other member. I can't imagine how painful this must have been for you and your husband. It's impossible to try and make sense or understand why it happened and you should never feel guilty. You also can't blame yourself for not being able to give your husband another child - he must love you very much. When we get triggered, this is a sign we need more healing and sharing your story helps you heal. The only solace in this experience, is knowing there's an angel watching over you both.

Thanks lynn. I appreciate the support!
C

Your post really touched me. I am so sorry for your loss. Time has no essence with the pain of losing a baby. I am very sorry.

Thank you sabrina!
c

((((((((((Colleen)))))))))))))

Spina Bifida is complicated. (I know, I have it.)



I'm sorry. You did a hard thing, but you deserve to heal from it. Luke has a good mother, and I'm sorry for your loss.

Thanks Christina!

He had so many issues, no chest cavity, heart and all organs in the stomach, spina bifida. I could go on and on. I saw 13 specialists to see if there was anyway he could live. They all said the same thing. I know after seeing him that I did the right thing. That is my only solace. But it still hurts just as bad as that day. We even had a small casket made, a funeral service and a graveside. My husband and I put him in the ground together. Hardest thing I ever had to do.

Ive saved his receiving blanket, measuring tape, footprint. Over the years I have looked at it over and over. At one point my mother and husband hid it from me so I would go on.

Its hard to go on these days, but Im working on it. Missing my baby. Theres a syndrome called empty arms. I know exactly what it feels like.

Thanks for your support.

Colleen

Oh my.

I am so sorry for your loss. it is always hard with a child.

((((((((((CThomas))))))))))))) My heart goes out to you. I know exactly how you feel. I've lost 6 babies myself. And never brought a full term baby into this world. Never could. And there are no answers as to why either. I always wonder too about the what ifs.. and why's. There is an emptiness in our hearts that will never be filled. I so understand the feelings you are experiencing. Please know you are not alone.

(((((((((((Colleen)))))))))))))

Even knowing we do the right thing sometimes doesn't help with the amount of grief & loss we feel... go easy on yourself, ok?