Grieving process?

I know when someone close to you dies you're supposed to go through this normal "process", like denial, anger, acceptance, and whatnot.

But I don't think I've gone through it. My mom died at 49 on December 24th. That was a few months ago. And since then my mood and behavior has become highly unstable and unpredictable and often fairly destructive. I've chalked it up to a difficult break up that started happening only a couple of months after my mom died but I'm starting to realize that maybe I've become so volatile because I just buried my grief.

I didn't cry much over my mom. I didn't talk about her or think about her. For a while, painfully, it felt as though I'd never had a mother. Like she was just some memory of a storybook I read as a child.

I'm seeing my doctor in a few days to start tackling these mood problems I've been having but it's caused so much upset over the past few months that I'm losing one of the only dear friends I have, and my relationship with my brother and father is breaking apart.

I've always been depressed and I've never handled break ups well, but since my mom died it's like I've become a completely different person.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Grieving process, pah. There's no flowchart for grieving. No two people are alike; no two "grieving processes" are the same. You can take those steps and shuffle them or take a couple steps out of the deck or add in a few new ones of your own. There's no timeline, either, by the way.

I wish I can say that everything will get better eventually, but the best I can do is to say that you'll somehow be able to manage. I did after my mother died, two years ago. She was only in her 50s and at the time the mantra went through my head: It's. Not. Fair. And today? IT'S. NOT. FAIR. When she died, it was like a cloud went over the sun, and the sun never came out again.

That said, if your grief is tearing apart your life, you're doing the right thing by discussing it with a professional. Without knowing your circumstances, I'd say that you will have to figure out how to make peace with the past and, at the same time, try to move forward. Big picture stuff--what do I want to do with my life? How can I maintain and stabilize my personal relationships? as well as the small stuff that will allow you to survive from dusk to dawn: what actions can I take when I'm feeling overwhelmed? What routines can I establish to give some structure to my daily life?

All the best-

grieving process is very different from each person. some go through it quickly and some take years to get through it. seeking help is the right thing to do when you realize that its affecting your daily life. not doing the things you normally do or your mood changes. I have found it easy to hold it inside and appear strong on the outside hoping I don't go through the process (not wanting to accept the loss). I get relief by doing things my loss loved to do and going places that they liked also. try and do things that remind you of her. that might give you comfort inside and help you through the process.

It sounds like a combination of things---that breakup and the grief over your mother. And I had a similar experience with my grief---I couldn't talk about it, so I acted like it wasn't there and wondered why I got even more emotional and destructive.

ty for sharing,

Billi

That is what I was going to say but she said it better.

It is hard to believe that life can just continue on without your mother.

Truly sorry about your mom. I lost my dad in 2002 right before my 21st birthday. Grieving can take years and years. At this point, I feel like the "sting" has gone away...but there are things that can trigger a meltdown. For me, it's Christmas and funerals. When my father died, I remember my therapist telling me in the following months that I needed to have a "hard cry"....she said something like "you need to be on the couch and just cry it out." Allow yourself to grieve at your own pace. You are in a vulnerable place right now, go easy on yourself.

AmDaws, I agree with cheshire. Everyone is different, everyone needs something different to help them grieve, and I hope you can find a healthy way to deal with your loss. Talking about it is helpful, as you've been told, and writing your feelings down can also be very cathartic in dealing with the pain. I went through my own personal hell some years ago, after losing my youngest brother, eight years of absolute hell, and I can understand a little about what you're going through. If you want someone to talk to, you can talk to me. I hope you can heal from your pain.