not empathetic

Hi. I am 20 years old now. Excuse my horrible grammar. I never took time to improve my on my english since I chose to study something the complete opposite of english. Well, I've grown and pass'd my adolescent years and my teen years successfully. At this moment in time, I realized that I have I am not empathetic. About 12 years ago my moms brother died, 10 years ago, my aunty died, about 5 years ago, my grandmother, whom i was quite close with died. It seems that all these things do not phase me. I actually went about my day as if nothing had happened. I never went to any funeral until my grandmas because my parents thought I wouldn't handle it "properly" or it might "phase me" in some wrong way. The first funeral I went to was my grandmothers, 5 years ago. I was the only one at the funeral not crying. I was actually emotionless. I had to give a speech of remembrance about her, I forced myself to cry (which all I did was cover my face, and make sobbing noises. then i sort of ran out of the church) because I thought it was the "proper" thing to do. I distinctly remember my train of thoughts that day because I knew that there was something unorthodox about the fact that I was emotionless. The next day people would exclaim "I am sorry about your loss". The only thing i could say was "it's ok". I know that sounds awful. But i didnt know what else to say. To get down to the point, is this abnormal of me? To be emotionless of everything? To not be able to empathize others (including friends)? And how can I change this? I dont want to be this outsider who is ostracized for not being able to feel what I should be feeling. Even though it wouldnt really matter to me. I just feel i must be normal.

Hi guy,

It took me nearly 20 years to feel anything about my mothers death. I thought I was just well adjusted and because she was a woman of faith that it was her passing from the extreme pain of her life to a better place. But eventually I realized I not only missed her, but that there were all sorts of feelings of loss that I wasn't dealing with.

I think we all have our own time frame and process of dealing with things. There are lots of reasons one might not feel about loss. It's good that you look at it. That you realize that it has affected your ability to empathize with others.

Not showing emotion can be cultural, taught by family or friends. It is hard to be vulnerable with a whole crowd of people, even in a church. Grief takes what it takes to get through, it's the healing of our losses. When I asked myself what I 'd lost, rather than what they lost, the process started for me. I thought it was selfish to feel like I was the one who got the raw end of the deal cause after all it was their life and it happened to them.

I hope you find what you need to feel empathy not because you "should" but because it makes life very special and is a good thing...

"Normal" in of itself is an elusive enigma we all chase after. My Mother and Step-Father passed away within 2 years of one another and I very much experienced what you describe. Just as each of us develops a unique personality, so do the traits that branch off develop uniquely. If you feel being emotionless is of concern to you, talk to a Therapist. I would guarantee my friend that if the question "What is normal?" is posed to 100 people, you would get 100 different responses.

hey guy

You know something? It's all a matter of perspective. If you don't feel anything at times when others do, or in situation which normally would make a person tear up, it's ok. There are reasons for what you, just as I, do feel the way we feel and act upon it. My upbringing was so that i was taught from childhood to never show any emotions at all, except "normal" behavior to the outside world. So I was taught to put on a mask all the time. What that produced was kind of domino effect, which now my family and relatives notice and comment as being cold, and distant. What they don't realize is they helped shape this person that is I, so if there is anyone to blame and feel guilt and shame is them not I. I simply became emotionless when it came to life challenges that are not mine to deal with. On the other hand, this has given me a very good perspective on things as far as helping others, since I'm always very objective and empathic and calm when listening and sometimes even giving advice from a different stand point when others are in distress, yet I never get fazed out cose of what's going on with them, as i can't do anything to change the situation, be that loss of a relationship, health problems or even death of a loved one. The downside is that I can't do the same things in my own emotional life, and the smallest thing triggers so many alarms it's hard to keep a cool head. So once again to answer your question, it's ok when something happens and you feel nothing, to put it mildly it's just life, and life goes in phases and so for each beginning there is an end. Be good to yourself and do not feel guilty or shame, because other expect you to show emotions. You are your own man, and need no one tell you when you should show emotions and when not. You're human, though a very special kind, and I would embrace all of what you described as part of what makes you special. Sounds cliche, yet it is the truth.
All my best to you...

Hi guy

You don't appear abnormal to me. It was your first experience at a funeral AND you had to "perform" in front of an audience. It's fairly common for close friends and family members to be on autopilot during a funeral. I attended a funeral - the father of a very close friend. I spent quite a bit of time with her, and she mentioned several times she was grateful to see me at her father's funeral. When I referred to the funeral several years later, she had no recollection of me even being there - or anyone for that matter.

It's not necessary to put on a show for others. If you're doing okay and feeling no pain over the loss, maybe it's just because it didn't leave a hole in your heart - which bears no judgment on whether or not you loved her.

It's particularly tough to lose the "lifelines" in our lives. These are the friends and family who keep us going from day to day - the ones who depend on us and the ones upon which we depend.

I cried when my father died. I had always been a "daddy's girl." The sound of his voice and the feel of his hug always calmed me - he was the only one who made me feel safe. I cried because I knew I'd never feel safe again.

I cried when my best friend died at the age of 26. We'd been best friends since the age of 2, and she was the only friend who completely understood me. She was with me through the highs AND lows of life. She was someone I could always count on to understand without having to explain myself - regardless of its complexity.

My father and best friend were real treasures in life. I hope you never have to lose any treasures. If and when you do, you might or might not cry. It's up to you - do whatever you need to do (without causing any harm to yourself or others) in order to heal. Heal on your own time.

I am glad you are here.

Many people deal with grief in so many different ways.

this may sound weird---my mother passed when I was nine and I did not want to go to the funeral. I could not relate to everyone else's feelings about my mother.

I did cry more and I did act up more (I was nine) and no one, incl. myself knew why. I didn't feel like I was crying over my mother; just over how my family had changed toward me.

when my aunt died two years ago, I felt fine. I even said, "Hey, I knew it was going to happen." The grief did not hit me until recently.

It hits people differently and it depends on a lot of variables.

ty for sharing with us,

Billi