[ashleyford]

I didn't exactly have a rift with my father, but he had become a recluse. He was an alcoholic with a dying liver even after detox, and bad circulation, and some other things... He refused to come out of his room. I was too afraid to go in and speak to him, and I don't know if I can ever forgive myself. I know he was not mentally stable, that he was not the same father I knew... but then I think of him, sitting alone in his room in the throws of depression, feeling alone and helpless to stop death, so much that he had threatened suicide at a couple points, and I feel like the most awful daughter in the world. I feel like I let him die and didn't try to help ease his pain. But I've never been good at coping with death, and him locking himself in his room and refusing to go to the doctor or speak to me made it so much worse. I convinced myself he would go to the doctor and get better, but it never happened.... he passed Thursday night, alone in his room, in the dark, without a soul with him. I feel so much pain in my heart. I remember my daddy before he got sick, and I just want my Dad back. As sick as it sounds, I want him back before he quit drinking... it feels like the detox ruined everything, that suddenly he had mental health problems and was dying... It's almost like when my mom finally got him to quit drinking, he started a downward spiral and I just want my dad back. Alcoholic and all, he wasn't perfect, but at least I could hug my dad and know we loved eachother.

Has anyone else lost a family member who they weren't speaking to for one reason or another? How did you forgive yourself? Does the pain eventually ease? I know there's no "timetable" for grief... but how long did it take you to stop thinking about it to a point where it interfered with everyday life?

[Sanada]

[B]HI Ashleyford.
Yes i had a father who was an alcoholic and violent with it. He was in the army and was blown up and had gunshot wounds. After the army he went into the oil biz, so i never saw him till my mother died. He came home and just fell into deeper alcohol addiction. He would lock himself inside his study/room, and type. He had fits of rage and was a very violent man.
When i reached 20 i left home and did not see him for 18 years.
His last wife died (he was married 4 times), then he was alone drinking more and more. I went to see him just before he died (certain people thought i was crazy to go see him and forgive him), But i did forgive him.
I found in forgiveness the cure, to the pain and loss of my father, I still am so proud to be his son. I worked out that the pain and loss of what had happened was something that was out of my control. He was who he was, there was nothing i could do to change it.

The pain of loss heals with time. You have to look at you're own future, and in that you will find that; to heal wounds is to live a good life. Memories do not go away but with time you will heal you're loss and need for the past to come back.
I have found that to make the past live is to live for my own future.
Memories can be hard to deal with, but you can make you're fathers memory live within by living for the future. Lead a life you're father would be proud of.

I hope this helped.
Take Care.
(p.s, have a look at the post i put in grief and loss, it has a trigger warning so dont look at it if it will upset you. i put it there so friends in PC can know some of the issues of why i'm here).

Time Heals All Wounds.
Memories fade and the pain does fade too.
/B]

[Perna]

The pain does get better as you begin to process it and understand yourself and the relationship better. My stepmother became severely senile (I went back into therapy because of problems that caused me) before her death and we had never quite understood one another most of our lives together. I only began to understand when it was too late.

I help myself some with the pain of difficult illnesses, partings, and deaths by realizing that most of my pain is literally my pain and imagination as to what I think the other person is feeling or going through or what I wished I had said or done, etc. and my judgment of myself is not necessarily "fair" or "correct". You know how when you are physically sick and you are just concentrated on how you feel and wanting to sleep and get away from not feeling well, etc.? Well, that's how it is for other people too; think about when you feel at your worst and know other people aren't thinking about you and how lousy a daughter you are or wishing for anything but the pain to stop? Your father shut himself in his room because that's what he felt was most comfortable for him at that time. Your father was sick, in body and spirit. He could not keep drinking; I doubt that he stopped because someone/your mother "made" him, he was probably already physically very sick and drinking made him feel worse. Now that I am 60/getting older, I am only beginning to understand about physical limitations and aches and pains, etc. (hence, why I'm up at 3:30 a.m.) and able to compare chunks of my early life with now. I was never an alcoholic but could certainly drink a lot when I was young and now cannot drink very much at all, even were I to want to, because it does not feel good! I'm not talking hangover, I'm talking immediately/while drinking.

You have to have compassion for yourself too; your father locked himself away from you, you want your Daddy! It does not follow that you were bad that he went away or that you should have done more, etc. If you had been "able" to go into his room and help him, you would have. But everyone has limits. My stepmother was ill in the same hospital wing that my mother died in and I had a heck of a time visiting her, only did once because of extreme pressure from my stepfamily. However, I do not hold that against myself. I did the best I could with me and my circumstances at the time!

[Vachic]

My father was my abuser for years. . . sexually and emotionally. I lived still trying to please him but broke things off when I found out he abused my kids. He actually went to jail for that. After about 4 years we saw each other again. It didn't take me long to realize that I really didn't get a lot out of the relationship. He was still critical and I always ended up feeling bad about myself. So, I just sort of stopped visiting. He was pretty deaf so phone conversations were useless. Mom kept saying for a couple of years that he had Alzheimer's. Turns out he did and he was hospitalized because he couldn't walk and then put into an Alzheimer's unit. He died a little over a year later (May 4, 2011)

I cried a little, mostly because of my mom crying and seeing my brother upset. But, other than that, I feel nothing. Which of course, makes me feel bad that I feel nothing. I think a large part of it is that my 24 year old son died October 2008 and really, compared to the loss of a child, it's kind of "so what" about my dad.

As they say, you are supposed to bury your parents. This is a natural progression. It was actually funny. I went to my grief therapist and she asked how my Mother's Day was. Mother's Day, despite having other children, is pretty horrible. I said, well we moved furniture for my mom. She said, wow, that's tough. Why did it have to be done then? It was like, oops, did I forget to tell you my dad died and she needed furniture moved because family was coming for the funeral?

[bebop]

I had a terrible fight with my brother. a few weeks later he died in a horrific car accident without us ever speaking again. after much talking with others I had to forgive myself. I had the right to be angry at him with what he did to me and my family. I know where youa re coming from. forgive yourself for whatever bad feelings you might be having.

[yellowted]

my step father was my abuser fo over 10 years, he died the other week, the day before my 40th birthday, i felt nothing at first, then guilty for enjoying my birthday, p'd off for my family not telling me the date of the funeral, i had a few days of being really over sensitive before taking stock and feeling 'ok he's gone, now i know my brother and sisters kids are safe, I can relax at last' I am not sad i did not go to his funeral, his death has not made much of a difference to me as i had not been part of the family for years, my life goes on just as it did before.
bad feelings you may be having are there as a result of their actions, not your fault, be kind to yourself x