[new widow]

It's now been two months since my husband died and it seems like it's getting harder. I'm so lonely without him. The past few day I can't stop thinking about him in the hospital. He was doing good, was joking and walking around feeling OK, and then they said he needed a balloon pump to help take the strain off his heart. That procedure put him in ICU on a ventilator. They they said they had to do the bypass surgery and he didn't survive. I feel like I should have stopped them from doing the surgery. I just keep reliving him talking and joking in the hospital, and he could even communicate on the ventilator by writing. I just keep thinking I should have done something, I should have known it would turn out bad. I know I did the best I could, but I don't know how to stop thinking about it. It seems like there's always something that brings back the memories and makes me feel guilty again. I just don't know how to keep away these thoughts that I should have done something different.

[somuchmore]

I'm sorry that you feel so guilty. You could not have changed it honey. If they hadn't done the surgry the blockage would have taken a toll too. I can't even pretend to know your loss, but I know guilt over the loss of a loved one. I strugggle everyday with it. I know deep down I could not have saved my brother, but my heart feels differently.

One day at a time. That's how I cope, and I try to stay busy. If I can help at all just let me know.

[new widow]

Thanks. I "know" I did the best I could, but I still feel like I let him down. It was my job to take care of him and I let him die. I just feel like I should have been able to do more, even though I don't know what that would be.

[cowboy1]

It's so hard I know. I feel the same way and it feel's like if only I could have done one thing then maybe. I walk around in a daze and evey little thing remindes me of my wife all the way down to a piece of paper with her hand writeing to a song. there is nothing or anything that will make you forget. But sooner or later they say it get's better. It don't matter if it take's five four year's we have to fight and in the end figure what they would have wanted. I beleave we ar right beside each other in knowing. So please work with me and let's figure it out. Please don't be down on yourself I do care even if im someone you just talk to on hear. All my hug's and wishe's COWBOY1.

[Sabrina]

Remember it is only two months new widow. You are still deep in your grieving process. Be very gentle with yourself. You have coped amazingly well and I am glad that you are still posting.

[Leed]

Dearheart, we are only "laypeople." We are in the hands of the doctors, and we aren't supposed to KNOW about these things. We have to trust what the doctors tell us. They told you that he NEEDED the bypass surgery, and you TRUSTED that that's what he needed!!! Without it, he would NOT have survived long anyway, my friend. So you did what you felt SHOULD have been done. You did what ANYONE would have done!

You have GOT to stop beating yourself up for this. Your dear husband is GRATEFUL for your attempt at saving him!!! But it just was not meant to be. God had a job for him to do up THERE --- He is needed there! Your hubby doesn't want you to beat yourself up. YOu did exactly what you were supposed to do!!! You surely couldn't do any more.

Now it's time to try to start healing. Yes, it's early but this guilt has to be let go or you NEVER will heal. You did NOT let him down!!! You took care of him to the best of your ability but you DID NOT LET HIM DIE!!! You couldn't do more!!

When you start to feel guilty, replace those thoughts with GOOD thoughts of things you and your hubby did, places you went, pleasant things. But get those guilty thoughts OUT of your mind. Pretty soon it will become habit, and those thoughts will be gone. Please try it, ok? God bless, my friend. We're all behind you. We know what you're going thru. Big hugs, Lee

[TerryL]

What you described would haunt me too. It might help to try to get more information on what exactly happened. It sounds like the medical procedures made your husband worse, not better, and those procedures were done by the doctors. Maybe try contacting your state health department to find out what your rights are in terms of disclosure. It might be hard to get but I think it would be worth trying, not only for your sake, but for your husband's sake too. and as the other posters have said, you have nothing at all to feel guilty about. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

[lizardlady]

New Widow, I'm not going to repeat what others said about your husband's death not being you fault. They said it so well.

I'd like to share a website that helped get me through some very dark times when I became a widow. It's
http://widownet.org/

Folks here at PC are great and supportive. The folks at widownet are too.