Missing dad and not being able to sleep

Till now, I've had this on and off, vivid memories of him, good,bad,loving and fun. Whenever I try to sleep all this sadness of not being able to be with him, hit me, then the stress of "what am I going to do with mom"? JUst keeps whirling around in my head, if I fall asleep it's wee hours, if I use sleep aid or ativan too late I wake up tired, just wanting to go back to sleep.
I'm lost and just needed to vent.
Thanks for letting me rant on.

At least I'm starting to lose the saddest part, every night,before spring, my brain would just fixate on seeing him as he was dieing at the hospital,needed a trach, cause oxygen no longer helped so at that point he no longer was able to eat(and he was so hungry and thirsty)feeding tube was used. Only communication was through writing on a clip board,but it wasn't too long before he grew so sad and angry and stopped,plus his hands were being restrained when no one was in the room to prevent him from pulling all the various IV's and trying to pull out the trach tube.
All this had haunted my mind everynite since 2002 when I'd put my head down on the pillow to sleep.
My pdoc had first given me ambien starting the day of his death, then ativan replaced the ambien, that stuff works but day after I'm a zombie, I just want to sleep the way I could yrs ago,no sleeping aides, just good old fashioned tired.
I miss him so much.

Roe

de hon those are some really bad memories. I know for a long time after my mom passed I did the same thing. I could just close my eyes and see her laying there dying. just know hon you are never alone.

Hon, that's only normal. I still have vivd memories of my aunt. Seeing her for the last time all pale and so fragile. (((((((hugs)))))) We're all here for you!!!

I want to thank all of you for your kind replies. I understand so many suffer with this non controlable(sp?) thing, closing one's eyes to sleep and the visions remain in the brain, I use to set my mind up before falling asleep with some sort of relaxing thought or mentally saved scene of natural surroundings, but this sort of gift of visual projection has died or either has weakened, so all the sad and traumatic things seem to overide, even though I keep telling myself, "I will NOT allow these visions" bring me to feel so distraught, but once I lay there the hauntings start. Oh well, I understand I'm not the only one that has been through this, having all of you to talk with really is a huge help, giving me strength. You are all such terrific people, bless you all.

Roe