[wisewoman]

Tues I went to the cemetary where my foster daughter of 12 years is buried. My older friend is from that area and she wanted to go to her ralative's grave in a different cemetary. Well, My daughter was buried in this place 2.5 hours from where I live and I have had, for the first and only time ever, a desire to go to her grave, a feeling that I have abandoned her... I would not have chosen to bury her there. When I go to the grave I am usually upset that the flowers I planted have been pulled up or mowed over. Her birth parents had the clay box that I had planted flowers in, perrenials which I had asked them to put in shelter in the winter under hay so they would come back.

Anyways, her stone was empty. The rocks I place there each time I go are always gone. I was speaking with T about this today and she asked why I went there? I told her because I felt like I abandoned her there. Her body, or if I had my way, her ashes should be here. She told me that the cemetaryt was not where I needed to remember my daughter. I agreed to the point of I don't ever, as a rule, do cemetaries. They hold no meaning for me. However, my daughter is buried there in a vault that will take a few hundred years to crack and leak, and a casket that is guaranteed not to leak for 50 years. My point is simple. She belongs here. I hate that her body is there. I hate that I feel she is being neglected. If she were here, under the maple tree we planted for her I would know she is in every flower, every blade of grass, and yes, in her lovely tree. Yes, we have her tree and a memorial for her. But she is trapped in a place far away where she can't return to the earth and where no one is taking care of the symbol, one I don't like at all, of her very existance.

I don't really know what my therapist said but I am hurt and angry at her. This is very rare.

I want to go dig up my daughter 8 years dead and bring her bones here to lie beneath her tree where I know she will return to the earth and the odd symbol of her death or life is not being neglected..

I know I don't want to go to that place again. No more going to her grave. I am so angry with my T. I feel so sad and misunderstood and I cry as I feel the need to bring my daughter's bones home to sleep. to wake, to grow and to change form.

Please a kiss for my big ouch?

((( wisewoman my friend )))

Can you have a "conversation" with your daughter about this? What would she say?

I struggle with similar issues because I no longer live in New England and I've abandoned the dead as well. But I also know if I had ten minutes to sit and talk with them about it, I KNOW in my heart of hearts they would say "Petunia, the thought is sweet and loving but go live your life hon. We're all fine."

I think I hold on to the "cemetery issue" because that's one finality I don't want to let go of. Grief keeps me connected to them all. Sometimes it's all I have left.

[wisewoman]

My daughter couldn't speak and had not lived in this town since she was 4. It is a feeling of abandoning her to shrivel like a raisin and not return to the earth and it's the sense that there is no color or life around where she is cause they keep killing my flowers. Yes I have her tree but I am stuck in a place where my values told me then and tell me now that I should have bathed her and had her cremated and set free to return to the earth. At the very least not to be a rasin for 50 years. She is in a place where I can't care for her. Petunia, thank you for the love as my heart is throbbing. I know she is not there but still she is.....

My heart is throbbing with yours.

[wisewoman]

Thanks sweetie. Why does it hurt so much right now?

I don't know why the hurt rears it's head at the strangest times. Sometimes I get "flare ups" and the wounds are just as fresh as the day it happened.

I'm so glad we are here for each other though. Just keep reaching out and I'll reach right back.

[wisewoman]

Thanks, I know I haven't reached your way lots lately but I also believe that you know I am here. This is the most derailed I have been in a while. Part is T and her response and just my open pain right now. Wanna go grave robbing?

Too freakin' cold up North still, lol. Night temps wilt the flowers.

[wisewoman]

ahhh, c'mon, need some help. Thanks for lovin me.

i'm sorry, W.W. that is a very hard pain to deal with. i am feeling that your T didn't truly realize how you were feeling when you talked to her.

and, something else to remember is that people deal with cemeteries, burial, cremation, etc. differently. almost everyone that i know has a different opinion about those subjects. i'm with you on it. i truly understand your feelings about having her nearby, but her spirit is with you.

i also agree with Pet. my daddy would say, "shorty, i'm here where i want to be and you just go on and i'm just fine"......

seriously, please do consider that your T may have been talking from her culturized feelings and not from her heart/head T part. love, pat

[wisewoman]

My daughter would want color and life. I know that about her. Purple and pink. I wish we could release her to be part of the universe and the colors and fly. Yes, her soul can soar, but I am stuck in the whole vault, raisin thing. I am sorry about that, too graphic but very real in my mind. Thanks Pat. I have not been upset with T in a very long time. I will trust you on that.

[Sabrina]

I was really touched by this. I am really sorry that you are hurting so much right now.

[wisewoman]

Thanks Sabrina, better today. I think it was a bump in the road and I need to go back to the basics here. I definiately will be posting guard on any fututure loved ones to release them the way I see fit.

[oksomaybeimnuts]

{{{{{{{{{{{wisewoman}}}}}}}}}}}

i so understand what it is you are saying. when my sister passed two years ago, i was hoping that she would be brought home here for her final resting place. instead, she is eight hours away. i haven't got the means to travel that far to go to visit. i wish she was here among family. but as long as she lives on in my memories and my heart, she is.

sending you much love and peace and a big kiss for your ouch.

[darkeyes]

Your wish, for her soul to soar,coming back in different forms,flowers,trees,etc. I find so touching and beautiful.
My heart feels for you, unfortunately I do not know what to say, but sending you some hugs.
Please take care now,
DE

((((((((((( wisewoman ))))))))))))))

[wisewoman]

Darkeyes and Okay, thank you for your words of compassion and understanding. My daughter's soul is free but there is a circle and being bound in a vault in a box guaranteed not to leak for 50 years stops the circle. She can't be returned to the earth and grow and change as she is trapped there in that vault, in that box. Her body. When I spread the ashes of friends' gone from me now I set them back to the earth and give a prayer of continuing the circle and feeding all of us, plants, trees water etc. It hit me hard and I don't know why but I am in need of making her tree the place where I choose to have life celebrated rather then bringing life to the dead place and feeling her abandoned raisin corpse beneath the ground.

[(JD)]

Her spirit is still with you... I'm sorry you feel the need for further burial. Perhaps part of the incompleteness stems from the (seemingly) lack of control of her burial? She is not there in the vault..she is no longer trapped in this world at all. (((WW)))

Can you go ahead and make that tree her place? Do you have any samples of things she loved, or perhaps things that were hers that you could part with? Music she loved, games she played... anything? Then take them to the tree, and give them... take cornmeal for the tree, as a way to tell it thank you for taking on that task...

[wisewoman]

thank you sky, your wisdom here is a gift to me.