[GrandpasGrl]

These past six months have been the most difficult for me. I used to go out drinking and having fun with my friends and well since February 7th of this year, I haven't wanted to leave my house...
I'm not myself since I watched my Grandpa (the man who raised me and called me his daughter) die at home... I can't sleep, because everytime I close my eyes I see him there lying in his bed at home just me and him in his room and he opened his eyes looked at me and then his eyes rolled back into his head. I shouldn't have even been there when he died, but I came home on my lunch hour and grandma was going to run to the bank since I was there if he needed anything and he waited until I was alone to leave me... He died of heart failure and everything I tried to do to bring him back didn't work.
It's been 6 months and I miss talking to him and hearing him talk back to me. I miss his smell, the first few months I could only sleep in his bed to fall asleep and now with grandma out of town visiting my aunt, I can't even go upstairs because I keep hearing his heavy breathing in the back of my head...
I miss him so much and none of my friends understand what I'm going through because they've never watched anyone die and they all think I'm crazy...
Writing poems used to help me whenever friends died, but with Grandpa it's different...
LOSING YOU...
Written by me, Anna Marie
I knew the day was coming, when you would leave our lives When we found out you had cancer, the doctors said,You wouldn't live more than three years,
But you were optimistic and you would prove them wrong You outlived their estimations and gave us nine years instead.
The last year, you were always so tired and rarely left your bed, Then you went in the hospital with Pneumonia and sores on your feet I was selfish and didn't pay full attention to the signs So, I only went to the hospital to see you once the entire time I spoke to you on the phone four days prior, And you sounded like you were doing great They sent you home three days later And your selective hearing got better I tried to get you to eat applesauce because without helping take care of you It seemed like my life had no cause You asked grandma to hit me, To get me to leave you alone Yet for the first time in seventeen days You were with us both at home I remember leaving for work on Tuesday morning I told you I loved you as I kissed you on the forehead Like you had done with me when I was young Then during my lunch hour I came home with your van To wait for my brother to take me to get my car Grandma needed to run to the bank and asked me to stay with you And get you whatever you may need
As she went down the stairs your eyes, they opened
And you looked at me in pain Then so quickly they changed as I watched As I witnessessed the moment I always feared Your eyes rolled back into your head
And I knew then that you were dead I yelled for Grandma to come back Because of what I saw
I called the paramedics and I tried to Bring you back with CPR. The EMT's arrived and were checking you out As I sat at the computer staring into your room I had my doubts They then told Grandma that there was no hope I freaked out and realized there was no way that I could Cope I didn't want anyone to touch me, I stood alongside your bed I held your hand so tightly hoping a pulse in your thumb might be read I felt nothing but clamminess on your skin, I didn't expect you to go so soon, because you promised me That you'd live to one-hundred and two You were my other dad, my entire life You even told people I was your Daughter Yet, the last thing you said to me was to go away, I felt so bad, because your final words to me made me feel like a stray I wish you hadn't left me, because now I am so lost I have a hard time sleeping, because I miss you, Oh so much I try to catch myself from slipping when I call grandma to checkin Because I keep wanting to ask how you're doing, even though you're gone I know I need to be strong for Grandma, but it's way too hard Because you always loved me and didn't want to see me harmed And you always stood beside me with an open heart and mind
It's going to be forever, before I can get you out of my mind Because you were my entire life.. You took me travelling all the time growing up And to blame for my love of Nature and saving wildlife. You helped send me to Italy, to see the world before my eyes Because you wanted me to embrace new challenges throughout my life I never will forget you, the thought will never cross my mind And I won't break our agreement, when special moments should arise I'll find flowers as pretty as grandma that are so fragrant and alive And I'll give them to her from you, since we wouldn't allow you to drive I will always love you that is not a lie, because you brought me up quite fine You showed me how to give others a chance before I made conclusions in my mind And I guess whats most important is you showed me how to love others
At the same time...
Knowing you are watching over me, I think that someday I should be alright Although, right now I'm not quite ready, Because I'm still trying to get everything straight in my mind.

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No one understands that I don't want to go out all the time that I want to stay home that I'm not the same cheerful person I used to be...

[lenjan]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your pain comes through loud and clear in your poem. But you managed to remember some good things your grandpa gave you -- maybe you could try to concentrate on those?

Grief takes time -- be gentle with yourself.

hi.

may i just say that your poem touched me, you explained everything so well.

everything you are feeling is natural, its your body and mind trying to come to grips with a tragic loss you have encountered.

you will find that you wont feel yourself for now, grief will take over for a short while. try to embrace it and not to fight it, and certainly do not let others make you think you are crazy, i think you are far from it.

the problem you have where you cant sleep is also natural, the memories are still fresh in your mind so when you close your eyes they will be there, but this wont last forever.

try to comfort yourself in the fact that you were there when he finally slipped away, you were the last thing he saw, and it sounds like he loved you dearly so he was probably hanging on until he saw you one last time. he had already said his goodbyes (mentally) to his wife, your grandma, and he wanted to see you. try to feel happy about that. so many people who experience similar things wish they were there when a loved one passes away, to be able to say goodbye. i was in the next room when my mum died and i sometimes wish i was by her side holding her hand, just so she knew i was there when she went.

after 6 months, the emotions will still be fresh, and they wil be for a little while yet, things like smells and memories will remain for a while, the smells may go but your memories of him are yours that you can treasure for life.

your grandma will understand if your not as strong as you think you should be, she will know what you are going through, as long as you make her aware that you are there for her as much as she is there for you, things will be fine.

using poems is a great way to express your emotions, it can reveal so much that normal chat sometimes cant. i say keep it up.

take care of yourself through this tough time, and id suggest you consider seeking the help of a councillor just to help the grieving process progress. my thoughts are with you GG, and im here if you ever need anything, just shout my way ok.

speak soon. simon

sigh.......i'm so sad for you.......

I just wanted to say I am so very sorry for your loss.

[eskielover]

((((((((((((GrandpasGrl))))))))))))))))),

I can understand your greif.......there is nothing crazy about what you are feeling....it is the normal part of greiving for someone so close to you that raised you...."his daughter". Don't ever think that he will be out of your mind after him being the big part of your entire life.

I found that the most beautiful part of your poem is that he is living through you. Your love of nature & saving wildlife, embrassing new challenges throughout your life as he wanted you to do. The values he gave you to give others a chance before making conclusions in your own mind & to love others it the best way to continue realizing your love for him.

It's ok to not be ok right now......it takes quite a bit of time to sort through greif feelings & there is no specific time that it lasts. I know that my Mother died 1 1/2 years ago & I still haven't gone through the greif process. It takes time & don't let anyone tell you differently or push you. Being there with your grandma, she knows what you are going through too & being there together, you are a good support to each other.

Don't let your friends tell you what you "should" do or feel. Being able to talk through your feelings & putting them down in words is a great way to work through your greif.....but you have to do what works for you.......not what works for someone else.

It sounds like your grandpa left a wonderful legacy with you. The values, feelings & thoughts your have are a continuation of him........& you show great respect to his life. I am sure he is proud of you. I know it is hard when he left you before he promised to, but he had no control over that & I am sure he never would have done anything to hurt you intentionally with the amount of love he had for you.

You are lucky to have a wonderful grandpa like you had & he was lucky to have a wonderful "daughter" like you.
Debbie