My Son's birthday is 8/17 he would have been 28

I didn't know if I should put this here or in the bipolar forum.

My son Jason died on 1/3/13 of a heroin overdose. He was my only child.

Being an only child we always made a fuss over his birthdays. His birthday is coming up this Saturday 8/17.

I thought I had a handle on my grief, but it is hitting me like a freight train. I am so depressed and sad I can barely move.

My thoughts are filled with images of finding him dead. I feel for the first time, with intensity, that I can't go on living without him.

I have had bipolar disorder since I was a teen. I am no stranger to the pain and anguish of depression. But this pain is in a whole other league.

To make it worse we have lived in this house since Jason was born. Our next door neighbors just had their first baby a son.

Jason's only girlfriend that lived with us, they had been together since they were 16, just had a baby with this guy that looks just like Jason. She broke up with Jason in the summer of 2011.

He never got over her.

Speed3, I'm sorry for the pain you are going through. Have you sought grief counseling? Though I know nothing is going to take away the loss you feel. I'm glad you are able to post about it. We are all here to listen.
Gayle

Yes I recently starting seeing a grief counselor.
Thanks

Speed, I am so, so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my brother, and his birthday was so damn difficult. It broke my mothers heart. He was going to be 24.

I say, in times like this, when important dates come around, let yourself grieve. If someone tells you to put on a brave face because he would want you to be happy; tell them that he would understand why you are so sad and lost without him. Someone on this forum taught me "let your heart break and mend over and over again" on the topic of grief. And it has helped me so much.

Birthdays are hard. The Holidays are hard. The anniversary of the passing is so hard. And I think, personally, to allow yourself to feel those emotions and miss him so much, is a sign of bravery. Not weakness. I wrote recently about my brother; "I will let you go. I just need to miss you more, first.". I still need to grieve. And I think you do too. You've made it this far, and know even though I am a stranger, I am proud of you. You are so brave.

A very happy though early birthday wish to him. Know you helped make his life a very happy one.

Speed, I am so sorry... Your post brought tears to my eyes, even though I'm not a mother and can't possibly imagine the intensity of the pain of losing your only child.

I've recently lost my grandpa and my dad and I barely survived their birthdays/namedays/holidays without them.

A big part of me died with them and nothing feels the same anymore... I miss them more and more as time goes by.

But I hope that maybe one day I will be able to remember them with love and smile, not cry. They wouldn't want me to be miserable because of them anyway.

I hope it gets easier for you over time. Take care...