[Twistergirl]

I keep seeing Jade my 16 year old sister.. (She died on 23rd September 2013) I see her in her bridesmaid dress that she was at my wedding in August.. I don't know if this is a good or a bad thing.. She tells me to come with her, she tells me to overdose or kill myself by hanging myself..She said she alone up there, I tell her that she got nan and grandad but cos she wasn't born when they died she doesn't know them.. So she keeps coming to me and asking me to die so she can be with me.. She said I just gotta go towards the light and she will help me the rest, she said that what happened when she died.. Our grandparents were waiting for her..

It hurts to much to be without her and I can't live without her.. I can't cry cos I keep pushing it inside and I am always angry and punching things and hurting myself..

I feel so alone..

[mazing]

Hi,

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can tell from your post how close you and Jade must have been.

Seeing sights of the person who has died, especially so soon after the death is common. However, I am concerned if these visions and thoughts are very negative towards your life. I can't imagine how hard it must be right now but I can promise that in time it will get easier to live with. You will never forget her and there is often a permanent change but these extremely negative emotions can ease.

Are you seeking help at the moment? Do you have a T? It might be worth looking at seeing a grief counselor if you can. They can help you look at what you are experiencing and begin to work through some of the pain.

And also please remember you are never alone - this forum is always here and you can always rely on us when you are feeling isolated

[Gus1234U]

how very frightening all this must be, twistergirl~ often anger covers our fears, it's part of the grieving process. perhaps if you tell Jade that you have never left her, just as she has never left you, it will help. i know i often feel close to people who have 'passed', as if there were some kind of mental telephone call going on.

i hope you find a way to keep your connection to your sister, without leaving this world before your time.... you might learn many things that she will be glad for knowing, too~! stay with us~

Gus

[winter4me]

Do talk to someone about this. While it is not at all uncommon to see people we lose, the "message" you are getting (giving yourself somehow) is negative and that is not good...Take care of yourself.
Did you find out the cause of her death?

[Twistergirl]

Hi guys,

Thank you for the replies..

My worker is away till the 4th November, so I cannot tell anyone what is going on for me accept that her colleague is gonna ring me on Tuesday to check on me, I am unable to talk to her about what is going on in my head cos I am very shy and it takes me ages to trust people to tell them what is going on in my head.. But it is really scary.. When I see my sister she just stands there and stares at me but once I am on my own that is when we talk and she tells me how lonely she is and how she wants me with her and that she needs her big sister cos she is scared..

We still haven't found out how she died, they are still doing tests on her.. She has had bits of her brain and tissue sent away for testing.. It be 5 weeks tomorrow (Monday) that she died and we still have no idea when we can lay her to rest.. My worker is coming to the funeral with me to support me which will help..

But I am feeling struggling so much..

[mazing]

I can understand why you are struggling so much - especially if you are still not able to have the closure of knowing what happened and putting her to rest. It is great that your worker will be there to support you. I would really suggest you speak with her as soon as she returns next week. This isn't something you should have to be handling on your own

[Twistergirl]

I am seeing my worker next week so I gotta get through this week.. However her colleague is ringing my tomorrow and I know I should tell her what is going on in my head.. But I feel shy around new people.. I think I keep it inside till I see my worker next Tuesday..

I will end up in hospital, they have already told me if things gets worst I will be admitted.. But I can't go in there cos I need to be strong for my family.. They need me right now.. I can't break down, I can't fall..

I am so scared.. Jade keeps crying and telling me that she is scared and alone and what with the thoughts and feelings I am having right now.. I do want to be dead..

Its been 5 weeks today that she died.. Its been the hardest five weeks of my life.. I can't deal with this anymore..

Claire..

[mazing]

You can do this. I know it is hard but you can get through this. In time it does get easier again. Take it a day at a time. You can get through this week.

I know that you don't want to be in hospital, but talk to your worker about it when she is back. She may have some suggestions about ways you can cope at home, but if not it might also not be a bad thing at the moment. To be able to look after others we also have to look after ourselves first. You are right that your family still need you - but they need you to be healthy. They need you to be alive. They need you to be ok. If taking some time out and being admitted helps that then maybe it isn't a bad thing.

Thinking of you

[Twistergirl]

Thank you for your kind reply..

I am struggling a bit. I am trying to fight this and try and remind myself that Jade is not real and its a hallucinations but I am really struggling with it.. I can't seem to get my head around it. She looks so real.. She is crying saying please Claire please.. I just wanna be with her..

I am smashing my head on wall to try and fracture my skull so I can die.. I am so confused and suicidal..

I don't know what to do anymore.. Its too hard... I feel too much pain and I am heart broken..

[mazing]

Claire, if you are suicidal please go to your nearest hospital. I know that you want to be with your family but your safety is most important. Please seek help.

You are right - this isn't real. You need to get help for you now.

[Twistergirl]

I had some bad news today.. I got my brain scans results today cos my consultant wanted a MRI done of my body. They said I got pressure on my brain and I need to go for a lumber puncher to take the pressure of.. I am scared cos this is what Jade had before she died..

Everything in my head is all muddled up..

[Sabrina]

I can see how frightening this must be for you. Try to trust the professionals to take care of you. I have no advice to give really, but wanted you to know that I read your post and feel for you.

[Twistergirl]

The coroner are releasing Jades body in two weeks time.. Then we will have the funeral in about 3/4 weeks.. I am so scared cos I don't want to say good bye to her.. Also the coroner have told us they won't tell us what Jade died off till after the funeral so now I keep thinking it is something bad that she died off.. I am so scared..