First Holidays without my son

My son Jason died on 1/3/2013. He was my only child.
I was doing ok whatever that means. With the approaching holidays I am becoming more and more depressed.

The full weight of his death is so painful I also feel physically ill.

I feel so alone. My bipolar illness is getting worse. I don't know how other people survive the lose of a child.

I am still breathing but that is about it. He was only 27 !!!

Why Why Why Why Why Why Why Why ...

I am so sorry that your son passed away. I visit my dad every Saturday and he talks about my brother all the time going over things that he could have done differently. I can see the strain on him and its taking its toll, at least he has me and my sister to offload onto. He was your only son and I cannot imagine how you learn to cope with something so terrible. You ca message me any time to talk about your son if you wish. Sometimes its easier to talk to a stranger than your family.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a child must be one of the hardest experiences.

The 'firsts' are always extremely hard but try to take it slow - one day at a time. If you can, try to remember the positive holiday times you had with Jason. It might be painful but in time those memories become treasured parts of holiday periods. Even maybe consider a different ritual or activity that can become part of your holiday celebrations to remember and honour Jason. It's a way of keeping him with your during the holidays.

Is there anyone you can talk to about what you are feeling? Sometimes it can help to try and lean on someone else and be able to vent. If not, please rely on the forum for a while. There are a lot of people here who are willing to listen and support you as much as we can. Please feel free to PM me any time if you want to talk.

I just cant even imagine how you are feeling. My heart truly goes out to you and I hope you can find some peace somehow.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know that the upcoming holidays will be really difficult for you. I cannot imagine your pain of going through them without him. I hope you have a good support system to help you. We are here for you on PC. I'm ,also, willing to listen if you need to PM me.

I know how you feel. I lost my first born son on july 17, 1987, he was only 14. It changed my life completely. Holidays have never been the same. I hope you have the support you will need as this is very difficult to get thru by yourself, and I was alone. My son died of a drowning accident while I was at work and I blamed my first wife. Needless to say we divorced later that year. I fell in to the darkest period of my life. I did get thru it but it took 2 years before i could even talk about it. I know exactly how you feel. The 'whys" the "what if's", the anger, depression. At first I refused to believe he was dead! I was in denial for about a couple weeks. It was senseless. My wife and I fought to be able to get married and have him when she got pregnant at 16. Both our parents wanted her to abort, we said no way. All I can say is some times things happen that make absolutely no sense. The more we try to make sense of it, the worse we feel. We each go thru this in our one way. I wish you the very best luck! Your not alone, so many of us are out thee going thru the same thing.

am at a loss for words, but wanted to acknowledge your pain...

i'm so sorry for your pain. is there a group in your area for other parents going through the same thing?

I'm really sorry. Be gentle with yourself

The first Holidays, for my mom who lost my brother (he was 23), were hard and awful and ugly and I don't think there is a way around it. I think the key is, like said above me, is to be gentle and kind to yourself. There is not a person you NEED to be around these times. Let yourself miss him, let yourself scream out "why?" because sometimes we search for answers and we want to be heard. Maybe write him a letter for the holidays and read it out loud for him.

I found it helpful my firsts holidays without my brother to remember him smiling. I cried, of course I did and I still do, but remembering his joy gave me some joy. And that was worth a whole lot.

My heart is with you. You're so brave and have been so strong.

On Sunday my Husband and I mad a grave blanket for my son's grave. I came out beautiful. My stepmother met us at the grave as we laid it down.

My husband and stepmother cried there eyes out. At that point I felt nothing.

Today I feel overwhelmed with grief and depression. The house is too quiet. I just don't want to move. Nothing seems worth doing.
I have a digital photo frame that keeps playing different photos of my son over and over. It just seems impossible that he is gone !!!

He's such a handsome guy. My heart goes out to you and your family. Remember the happy times with him during the holidays. I know it must be very hard, but he would want you to feel together, not apart. Nobody is ever truly gone. -super big hugs-

Speed3, that is a beautiful picture of your son, Jason. I am so sorry for your loss. I know je would want you to take care of yourself. Do the things for yourself that he would have done. Be kind to yourself, that will honor him. I lost my big brother and now sometimes i will also do somethong like a kindness for a stranger that reminds me him. That also helps. May angels surround you.

I delayed responding because I didn't know what to say exactly and am almost afraid to think about it. My biggest fear, a huge cause of my anxiety, is the idea of something happening to my son. I am so sorry for your loss. I have no wisdom and I am terrified of putting myself in your shoes. No one should have to go through what you are going through. I am sorry.

I remember talking to your husband about your son, he talked about him with such love, as you do Speed. Your son loved you very much and to honour his memory he would want you to take care of each other, he would want that. I cannot imagine losing a son. Its not in the right order if you know what I mean. Feeling numb some days is your way of coping because the reality is so brutal its the only way of coping. Dont fight it. Go with it. You are feeling numb today, maybe tomorrow. This is a process that you will come to terms with in your own time. Be forgiving to yourself, your son would want that. Best Wishes to you at this very difficult time. Take care of each other/

I am so very sorry. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

He's at peace now and he wants u yo be happy too.

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Yes at peace, but at only 27 he should be here on earth. Living life, looking forward to many things. It is a terrible, terrible tragedy !!!!

I don't know someday I might feel acceptance, but happy I don't think so.

That was a nice gesture to make the grave blanket. A great way to honor your son. You have my sympathy especially at this time of the year when your son should be with you. I can't imagine your pain, but wish you can find some peace one day.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know it's extremely hard to heal but be strong for you need to take care of your family. I recently lost my dad and I kept asking why? Why? This is the third week. It's so unreal and I missed him a lot.

Take care



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Sweetie, my prayers are with you. I can not imagine losing a child. One day at a time.

Live Love Learn

Wow I can't begin to imagine the loss of a child especially as I embark on bringing one into the world. This is a time to remember the good memories of the holidays before. My brother passed at 18 and my mom has not fully dealt with it.

Thanks for sharing, good luck and you're in my thoughts and prayers.

You are in my thoughts as we enter Christmas. I truly hope you find peace. I am giving you a huge virtual hug! (((((((SPEED3)))))))

I am really sorry for your lost. I can't imagine losing any of my children. I hope you will find peace.

Speed, as we near 1/3/14, I just wanted to send you a note letting know that you are being thought of as you go through this first anniversary. I can't pretend to know the pain you are suffering right now. However, I do believe he is smiling down on you. Take care of yourself during this time.