[C0mf0rtablyNumb]

My Mama killed herself just recently. She was a happy, go lucky, mother to many, popular lady and my best friend.

She had an extremely difficult & abusive life & up bringing but was so proud & strong & independent now (seemingly) with a wealth of knowledge to share with all.

We loved every second we spent together, shopping, baking, talking **** and just laughing.
One morning I woke up strangely early , even before Dad left for work. I stumbled out into the lounge and had this strange pull towards the orchard outside. I can't explain it. I went outside and it hit me... there was my best friend, loving mother, greatest hero & inspiration... strung up on a once tall proud tree. Having given up on everything, her family, her child, her friends, her husband, everything she stood for.

This is the first time I have spoken about this ever... no one will talk about her. No one in the family & all my friends afraid to bring it up.

Now I feel completely broken & numb... I don't even know how to think or what to do. I have not cried since the day, which I cannot understand. It has been like this for months and I'm getting desperate. I can't accept her death, in fact it is easier to pretend she never even existed.. it seems to be what everyone else is doing. I miss my best friend, I miss having a Mum around to ask advice. I would give everything up in a second to be with her. Even though I love my Dad to the moon & back... it's not the same.
it's like I'm living in a state of paralysis. Everything I do is going in a downward spiral. I wish I could think of her, even just glimpses of memories... but they make me feel physically sick so i block them out straight away. The only memory I have is of that morning. I wish I could think of her and tell her I am sorry I did not help her more. I should have been there for her.

I wish I could be strong like her, but I cannot. I feel she has had an influence on my decisions and now her actions are becoming an option for me too. It's getting scary.

I am not very good at writing or expressing feelings... I was just wondering if this is normal? Or if this pain will pass... people have said it will get easier, but I have waited & tried and it is only getting worse & more unbearable... to now the breaking point. I do not wish to burden anyone with my thoughts or feelings, but I would love some advice.

Thank you all for reading my post, I really appreciate your time.
Hugs,
Lily

RIP Mummy xxx Always on my mind <3

[healingme4me]

Thoughts are with you, through your grief. Do you have a doctor to speak with, when your thoughts have you considering this as an option? Cannot say that life is ever the same after losing a parent too soon. I do find, though different, life has it's own qualities worth experiencing.
There's typically, much offered grief counseling in the States, is there similar in the Netherlands?

[TerryL]

dear lily, i am so sorry about the loss of your mama, especially as it was sudden and unexpected and a suicide. i cannot imagine the pain you are going through. i wish people would talk to you about it. it is not healthy not to talk about it but i guess it is just too painful for them right now.

i think you are so perceptive to understand that you are probably not crying because you don't want to acknowledge that your mama is really gone. as for feeling you should have been there for her more, your mama did not seem to have given any indication she was depressed so you could not have known she was feeling so bad. she probably wanted to protect you from her pain. i don't think you could have done anything even if you had known. as you mentioned she had such an abusive childhood, the scars were just too deep. you were the bright light in her life and her reason for living. i know she would never have left you if her pain had not gotten so unbearable.

as for your grief, there is no timetable. although i did not lose my mother to suicide, i am still dealing with her passing and it has been 6 years now. and many on pc have lost loved ones to suicide so they will understand what you are going through. i also hope you will be able to find a grief counselor so they can help you sort out all your feelings. anyways, please post as often as you need to. wishing you all the best.

[C0mf0rtablyNumb]

Thank you for your replies xo
It is always calming to know there is support.

I am also sorry for your losses TerryL, no matter the reason. It is the worst pain, but I guess losing a parent is a shared pain almost everyone has to go through

In response to the support system in the Netherlands- there isn't alot. I feel I have exhausted options. I had seen a grief counselor after Mum passed, but the sessions did not work out well at all. I just shut off.
Also saw a regular counselor, but I could not speak to her either. I have not been able to open up to any of them really.

[Sabrina]

I'm sorry for the loss of your precious mama

[shezbut]

Very soft, gentle hugs to you.

I wish that I could help make this easier for you. But, I know that it's a process that simply takes time. The grieving process is challenging. Reaching out for support and understanding from others is a positive reaction to such a tragedy.

Please ~ continue to share how you're feeling... here or somewhere else. Try to remember that someone is always listening and wanting to help. Very best wishes to you and your family.

[TerryL]

dear lily, if you cannot talk to counselors about your feelings right now just post on pc as often as you need. you expressed yourself so well in your post. and as shezbut said above, someone is always listening. my thoughts are with you.

[Can't Stop Crying]

keeping you in my thoughts...