Emotionally detached

Three years ago I lost my son to social services. There was no abuse or anything like that, I was just so mentally unstable that things couldn't go on the way they were without psychologically damaging him in the long term. I had went to the hospital to get help and because I had no one to watch him I had to place him temporarily in a foster home. I thought when I got out I would be able to get him back. I had to go to court and the judge said I was too unstable and fragile and to come back in six months to reassess. Again too fragile. Another six months, still too fragile. Finally it came to the point where he didn't wanna come back. He's now eight. I cried continuously for the first six months then I became so emotionally detached and empty inside. I haven't been able to deal with it or talk about it since then. If I think about him and start crying, I compose myself quickly because I'm scared of losing control and completely falling apart. I'm scared to be vulnerable because the last time I was, I lost him. The time has come to start dealing with it and I don't know how. What does give me some comfort is that he's with a real family who have their own kids and they fell in love with my son so they decided not to foster any other kids. He's on a farm and is surrounded by animals and even has his own horse and takes lessons. He plays in organized sports and has many friends. He's doing so much better then he was when he was with me. I would have never been able to provide him such a stable life so im grateful that hes in such capable hands. But I have a tremendous amount of guilt and i often wonder, what if I could've been different and I'm so ashamed that I wasn't able to function normally and take care of him properly. I feel like such a failure and have completely withdrawn socially and am only now trying to reach out and work through this. I know I haven't lost him in the sense of death, but that's what it honestly feels like. The grief is so overwhelming that I've blocked everything out and became so detached. How do I work through this?

Dear social, I am sorry for your loss. Grieving is something that happens naturally over time as we are able. You made a good choice by choosing PC because there are many forums and articles that can help give compassion and direction.

I too have suffered through the blame game. I had to focus on what I did right in order to let go bit by bit of what I wished I had done differently.

Your son is lucky. He got a second chance and perhaps some day when he grows up he may seek you out. Now you have a second chance. You can build yourself a stable life. You can stop blaming yourself. Mental illness is an illness. There wasn't something wrong with you, you got sick. And now you are getting better.

You may need the help of medicine and or a therapist to stay on a stable path. That is always good to have a health care professional that can see you and you can talk to as you change and medication needs to be adjusted or new things bubble up that need to be talked about.

Lifestyle changes can be a positive contribution to feeling better.
Yoga ( search youtube adrienne complete beginners)
Walking
Gardening or chores
Exercises
Mindfulness

You have many talents inside. Finding a way to let them out can release a lot of pent up energy.

Well, again, welcome to PC.

Thank you CANDC. I do have a psychiatrist and I'm on 5 different meds. I need to find the motivation to do things and learn compassion for myself. I understand these things intellectually but seem to not be able to apply them to myself. Im able to forgive others and have compassion for them but that's where it ends. I'm gonna start with your suggestion of reading articles about compassion. One thing at a time for now

Dear Social, sounds like you are realizing the key is for you to take action. Compassion can start by seeing others in the world and what they are suffering from. People that annoy us are particularly good teachers of patience and then compassion.

Feel free to post updates or questions or email any of the Liason people at PC.

I think it would help to see a Dynamic Relationship kind of therapist and go into the work of loss and grieving in your whole life. Your problems didn't start with the birth of your son, but were definately worsened by your fragility and having to give him up. Grief is so hard to bear, especially the way you have had it so near for so long.

But I just think that trying to run ahead of grief all the time by just trying "to have a nice attitude" and just taking meds, is keeping you from learning how to manage it on a better level. A good therapist will help gain strengths and help you not to be overwhelmed at the same time. I would definately look into that as a way to go.