[sinking]

My granma died this morning. she was almost 91. she lived a long troubled but also happy life.

I feel the need to tell everyone i know about her death because i feel like i am honoring her and the loss i feel by talking about it. i do it both to share my pain and because i feel that if i didnt talk about it it would mean its not that an important event in my life.

she suffered of a heart attack 5 weeks ago and spent this whole time at the hospital. i went to visit her almost every day. i really did my best to help her, make her smile, make her feel important and loved. i always made sure to leave her with a goodnight kiss and telling her i loved her.

my regret is that the other day i told her i would pass by and greet her yesterday night, then plans changed and i was supposed to go visit her today at lunch. i didnt pass by yestreday night as i said i would. my mom went to visit her so she wanst alone, but still... i had told her i would have passed by and i didnt. i could have made it but since i was supposed to go today at lunch i thought i could avoid the stress of going for only say hi and stay longer today. i didnt make it. she died a couple of hours before visit time.

they called from hospital to warn us we better go there, but she dies so quicky we didnt make it. at least she didnt suffer but im sorry i didnt go yesterday night as i said and we didnt make it today to be with her during her last monents of life.

i know she loved me and im sure she knew i loved her. i thought that would be enough. i thought i was prepared. we knew it could have happened any time since she was at the hospital. i thought doing everything right could have somehow kept me from feeling so much pain. it helps but its still hard. i know it will fade, but its hard now.

i hope she is fine now and we'll meet again after death.

Thank you granma for everything. i love you and you'll always be in my heart.
Rest In Peace.

Thanks for reading. it means a lot to me.

Hugs to everyone going through the pain of a loss of a loved one

[Insignificant other]

Hello Sinking .. I am so sorry for your loss.

[CANDC]

Sorry for your loss. A friend just got back from a trip and was totally beat so he planned on going the next day. She died that night. Life is tough. But things like that can be a wakeup call.

[Sabrina]

So sorry for the loss of your precious Granma

[sinking]

Thank you all.

these days have been weird. it doesnt seem real.

tomorrow is her funeral and im afraid of it.

i dont want to cry and sob in front of everyone...

[SoggySketti]

Originally Posted by sinking

My granma died this morning. she was almost 91. she lived a long troubled but also happy life.

I feel the need to tell everyone i know about her death because i feel like i am honoring her and the loss i feel by talking about it. i do it both to share my pain and because i feel that if i didnt talk about it it would mean its not that an important event in my life.

she suffered of a heart attack 5 weeks ago and spent this whole time at the hospital. i went to visit her almost every day. i really did my best to help her, make her smile, make her feel important and loved. i always made sure to leave her with a goodnight kiss and telling her i loved her.

my regret is that the other day i told her i would pass by and greet her yesterday night, then plans changed and i was supposed to go visit her today at lunch. i didnt pass by yestreday night as i said i would. my mom went to visit her so she wanst alone, but still... i had told her i would have passed by and i didnt. i could have made it but since i was supposed to go today at lunch i thought i could avoid the stress of going for only say hi and stay longer today. i didnt make it. she died a couple of hours before visit time.

they called from hospital to warn us we better go there, but she dies so quicky we didnt make it. at least she didnt suffer but im sorry i didnt go yesterday night as i said and we didnt make it today to be with her during her last monents of life.

i know she loved me and im sure she knew i loved her. i thought that would be enough. i thought i was prepared. we knew it could have happened any time since she was at the hospital. i thought doing everything right could have somehow kept me from feeling so much pain. it helps but its still hard. i know it will fade, but its hard now.

i hope she is fine now and we'll meet again after death.

Thank you granma for everything. i love you and you'll always be in my heart.
Rest In Peace.

Thanks for reading. it means a lot to me.

Hugs to everyone going through the pain of a loss of a loved one

So so very sorry

[Wish I was a cat]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so hard to lose someone you love so much. I hope you are holding up ok today. My thoughts are with you

[sinking]

Thank you,

the funeral went well... as much as a funeral can... i cried and sobbed but also did and say all that i wanted to still do and say so it felt like a good closure. i still have that regret of not going visit her when i said i would but i have a lot of other postive memories and things that went well, and i also know she wouldnt blame me for not going so its almost ok.

there were good suppotive people around and that helped a lot too. after the coffin was closed it was easier. i could imagine her soul separated from her body and now she is in heaven whatever that means. her soul is still alive and in peace and happy and with those who loved her and that she loved and they are all together watching over us. this is what i want to believe.

on the other side, it still doesnt seem completely real. this morning, while we were walking to the place, i saw an old lady and automatically thought i was glad granma was there with us in this difficult family time. then i realized it wasnt possible. i still think she'll come over for chrsitmas and things like that... i think that it will be at Christmas that i'll finally realize she isnt around here anymore. but i dont mind if it happens slowly. i think the worst part of it, the funeral, is gone. im glad i survived it and it went as well as it could have gone.

as for my regret, i know she would say it doesnt matter, that i was there all the time and she knows i love her. i also think in the past i could have done more for her, but i also know its easy to think this way after a while and after her death... so i'll try to remember and remind myself the good things because i know they do matter. she knew i loved her and i know she loved me and maybe thats what counts the most and its enough.i hope so.

i have thought about suicide, to spare myself the pain of going through this or worse with my parents death, or life in general, but for now im surviving, coping ok, and of course i would never intenionally put my family though another funeral soon after this one. especially since our family now is reduced to the four of us (me, parents and brohter). i guess i'll live... as my granma would say... this is life....

thank you very much for your support.

[jelly-bean]

Hi sinking! I just wanted to tell you that I am very sorry for your loss! Your precious grandma gave you the gift of love and memories. Now is the time to start using those gifts to help you get through these difficult times!

[angelene]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Though she lived a long life, it's still awful to lose a loved one.

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by sinking

Thank you,

the funeral went well... as much as a funeral can... i cried and sobbed but also did and say all that i wanted to still do and say so it felt like a good closure. i still have that regret of not going visit her when i said i would but i have a lot of other postive memories and things that went well, and i also know she wouldnt blame me for not going so its almost ok.

there were good suppotive people around and that helped a lot too. after the coffin was closed it was easier. i could imagine her soul separated from her body and now she is in heaven whatever that means. her soul is still alive and in peace and happy and with those who loved her and that she loved and they are all together watching over us. this is what i want to believe.

on the other side, it still doesnt seem completely real. this morning, while we were walking to the place, i saw an old lady and automatically thought i was glad granma was there with us in this difficult family time. then i realized it wasnt possible. i still think she'll come over for chrsitmas and things like that... i think that it will be at Christmas that i'll finally realize she isnt around here anymore. but i dont mind if it happens slowly. i think the worst part of it, the funeral, is gone. im glad i survived it and it went as well as it could have gone.

as for my regret, i know she would say it doesnt matter, that i was there all the time and she knows i love her. i also think in the past i could have done more for her, but i also know its easy to think this way after a while and after her death... so i'll try to remember and remind myself the good things because i know they do matter. she knew i loved her and i know she loved me and maybe thats what counts the most and its enough.i hope so.

i have thought about suicide, to spare myself the pain of going through this or worse with my parents death, or life in general, but for now im surviving, coping ok, and of course i would never intenionally put my family though another funeral soon after this one. especially since our family now is reduced to the four of us (me, parents and brohter). i guess i'll live... as my granma would say... this is life....

thank you very much for your support.

Thank you for choosing to live - like your grandma would say "this is life"

So we live through the pain and the grief. And somehow we go on and find that things may be different than we first thought. Thank you for sharing your story. The night my grandmother died someone asked me to visit her but I had been on the road for 2 days and just got home so I said I will go tomorrow. Got a call in the middle of the night, she had died. But that didn't wipe out all the good memories, it just made me more determined to live as much as possible in the here and now.

[Yoda]

[sinking]

Thank you all.

Now i find it weird and rather cold of me to not be thinking much about her and crying only when i see her belongings or sometimes when talking about her with my family. i feel like i should think about her more and cry more. i feel wrong and guilty for not being more sad and upset. to a certain degree it still doesnt seem real, but still... have i already ovecome it? after less than 2 weeks? does it mean i didnt love her enough?

what do you think?

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by sinking

Thank you all.

Now i find it weird and rather cold of me to not be thinking much about her and crying only when i see her belongings or sometimes when talking about her with my family. i feel like i should think about her more and cry more. i feel wrong and guilty for not being more sad and upset. to a certain degree it still doesnt seem real, but still... have i already ovecome it? after less than 2 weeks? does it mean i didnt love her enough?

what do you think?

I think grieving is a process that happens in degrees. We find out she died...we grieve a little. We think of our lives together...we grieve as much as we can right now.

Something triggers us and we are back in the grief and we grieve a little more...

It is hard to say how long we may grieve, but we can only grieve as much as we allow us to at this time.

I think you care more than you can feel right now only because it is too much to expect to overcome a lifetime of pain and suffering in a couple weeks.

Be patient with yourself and allow grieving to happen at appropriate times and it will.

[sinking]

Thank you! you make a lot of sense. i hope you're right.

i just feel i have found peace with the thought she is with my other granparents, doing fine, happy and in peace, and i dont have to worry about her anymore. she may not be here anymore and i'll miss her for sure, but i feel now in a way she is Always with me and we still will meet again one day. so i dont see it as a real separation and anway i see it as only temporary. its helping a lot.

also, i love the quote "Death ends life, not a relationship" - Albom Mitch.

Hugs

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by sinking

Thank you! you make a lot of sense. i hope you're right.

i just feel i have found peace with the thought she is with my other granparents, doing fine, happy and in peace, and i dont have to worry about her anymore. she may not be here anymore and i'll miss her for sure, but i feel now in a way she is Always with me and we still will meet again one day. so i dont see it as a real separation and anway i see it as only temporary. its helping a lot.

also, i love the quote "Death ends life, not a relationship" - Albom Mitch.

Hugs

Dear Sinking, Mitch Albom is one of my favorite fun authors to read - his wisdom is wonderful.

Feel free to post more as time goes on or even PM one of the liason people if you feel you need to "talk" with someone or ask a question.

[Wish I was a cat]

I agree with candc. We all grieve in different ways and there is no wrong way. When my grandma passed, I lost it. I think part of it was because she was the 1st person in my family that had died. I cried for days, then it became less often. I tried to concentrate on all the good times we had. I would look at pictures and cry a little, then smile thinking of her. Also she was very sick and I tried to remember that she was no longer in pain.
I think everything you are going through is completely normal and appropriate.
Remember she will always be with you and eventually you will think of more happy thoughts of your grandma,and smile more than cry.
Hang in there!