[Bex_1979]

My wonderful Dad died last June. He struggled with an 8 month battle with stomach cancer, in which he was a healthy man up until he was diagnosed. When he was diagnosed he was told that it was terminal, but he wanted so much to beat it. He underwent chemo which left him so ill, but he chose to put himself through it anyway. My dad was my soulmate, and loved his grandchildren, my little boy and girl so much. He wanted to see them grow. He was only 59 when he passed. Yesterday would have been his 60th birthday.

I still struggle with his death on a daily basis. I miss him being here, chatting to him, laughing with him, hugging him, which is all normal things of grieving I guess. But I am finding it hard to deal with how he died. He spent over two weeks in a hospice, and he never talked about the fact that he was dying. Even though we all knew he was. So we never brought it up. When he was able to speak, which wasnt much towards the end due to all the pain relief and anti-sickness medication, he just talked about everyday things, like nothing was wrong. Before we knew it the doctor was telling us he only had a few hours left.

And that is what I still struggle with to this day, how my dad died. Nobody told me what it would be like, I read leaflets, looked online about the dying process, but nothing I read was how it really was. I guess dying from cancer is different to other deaths. But I just cant erase the memory of his passing from my mind, and it still hurts me like it happened yesterday.

I want to move on from this and accept the way he died. I feel like until I am able to understand the way he passed away, I cant move on.

[sabby]

((((((((( Bex_1979 )))))))))

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved father last June. I can tell by your post that you adored him as he adored you.

I lost my beloved mom at the age of 60 to brain cancer. She, too, was in a hospice home for a little over a month before she passed. I was with her when she passed and it is a great blow to watch as they leave this earthly world.

Sometimes they go quietly, sometimes they seem to go with a great struggle (I saw that with a beloved aunt, my moms sister at the age of 93). I also have worked in nursing homes where patients often passed. It's hard to tell who will drift away and who will fight to the end. No matter which way they go, it is hard to watch and get over.

It's been less than a year since your dad passed. The feelings and memory of everything is still new and raw. How you move through your grieving process is normal for you. You are not feeling anything you shouldn't be feeling. I know it's difficult to replay his passing in your mind over and over again. I did the same with my loved ones as well.

As cliche as it may sound, time does patch the wounds enough so that they don't hurt as much, sting as much, douse us in such agony as they do in the beginning.

Is it possible that he never discussed with you that he was close to dying because he didn't want to hurt you? Is it possible he wanted to live out the rest of his days as though nothing was wrong, trying to keep it as normal as possible? To him, this may have been his way of giving you the gift of his normal self as much as he could before he left.

I hope that you are still speaking with your father like you did when he was alive. Talk to him about your day, about his beloved grandbabies and all the things you both talked about on a daily basis. I'm a firm believer that those we love are still with us, looking over us, loving us and just plain hanging out with us. Their energy continues long after their human bodies give out. And, they are forever alive in our hearts and minds.

I hope you will find this link helpful to you. It's about the 5 stages of grief -

The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central

Please know that I'm sending you healing thoughts. Be good to yourself as you work through the stages. Know that your dad wants you to be happy and healthy and to remember all those wonderful times you had together throughout your lives. Those are the times that will surely keep you going with a smile on your face.

Take good care!

My dad also died from cancer. I'm very sorry for your loss. I don't think anyone ever knows what it will be like. If it helps any it seems to me that he went the way he wanted to go... bravely and with as near a semblance to normal life as he could manage.

[Pikku Myy]

Bex I can't even imagine how difficult the loosing a dad is. Please know I am thinking of you and sending positive energy your way

[Bex_1979]

Thank you so much everyone for replying to my thread, your words have been such a great comfort to me. I can't thank you enough for taking the time to write such kind words.

[KEB1990]

Sorry for the loss of your dad. I lost my mom in Jan of this year. My mom was my best friend and I'm really lost without her. I wish I could tell you it gets easier but you just got to take it as it comes. Like your dad my mom battled a long team sickness Multiple sclerosis. It breaks you to watch them become sick . I know you've been told this a billion times but your dad's not in pain anymore and I'm sure very proud of you.

[Alishia88]

Originally Posted by Bex_1979

My wonderful Dad died last June. He struggled with an 8 month battle with stomach cancer, in which he was a healthy man up until he was diagnosed. When he was diagnosed he was told that it was terminal, but he wanted so much to beat it. He underwent chemo which left him so ill, but he chose to put himself through it anyway. My dad was my soulmate, and loved his grandchildren, my little boy and girl so much. He wanted to see them grow. He was only 59 when he passed. Yesterday would have been his 60th birthday.

I still struggle with his death on a daily basis. I miss him being here, chatting to him, laughing with him, hugging him, which is all normal things of grieving I guess. But I am finding it hard to deal with how he died. He spent over two weeks in a hospice, and he never talked about the fact that he was dying. Even though we all knew he was. So we never brought it up. When he was able to speak, which wasnt much towards the end due to all the pain relief and anti-sickness medication, he just talked about everyday things, like nothing was wrong. Before we knew it the doctor was telling us he only had a few hours left.

And that is what I still struggle with to this day, how my dad died. Nobody told me what it would be like, I read leaflets, looked online about the dying process, but nothing I read was how it really was. I guess dying from cancer is different to other deaths. But I just cant erase the memory of his passing from my mind, and it still hurts me like it happened yesterday.

I want to move on from this and accept the way he died. I feel like until I am able to understand the way he passed away, I cant move on.

Bex, your story sounds so much like my own!
My father too died of cancer, he was ill for 12 months and also was told that he had about 3 months to live when it was diagnosed, and he was 58 when he died. How old are you now`? I was 21 at that time

"He spent over two weeks in a hospice, and he never talked about the fact that he was dying. Even though we all knew he was. So we never brought it up. When he was able to speak, which wasnt much towards the end due to all the pain relief and anti-sickness medication, he just talked about everyday things, like nothing was wrong."

This was exactly what it was like with my dad too, only he was at a palliative care- station.

My father, and I am guessing yours too wasn´t able to accept his own death which is why he wasn´t able to talk about it.
This is different for every person and how one will want to act at the end of life is every person´s own choice and I guess we have to accept that.

What would have been good for you, is if your father would have been able to accept his death, be at peace with it, and also be able to say his goodbyes to you.

It is much more easy for a person to accept a loved-one´s death if the love-one himself is able to accept it and be at peace with it.

Try picturing your father in a different way, at peace with his life and what he is leaving behind and accepting of his own death, talking about it and saying that he loved you and goodbye to you. I was told to do it in therapy, maybe the thought alone will help you.

You say that his death was nothing like your read about, what do you mean exactly by that? I think I know what you mean, but if you can, try to explain.

Finally, I think it would be very good for you to consider talking to someone who can help. I´m thinking that a therapist specialized on cancer would be better than a grief counceler, because, as you say, I think what is more difficult for you is the WAY your father died, not just him being gone at all.

O and if you want to talk in private about your experience, send me a PM,
I think it can be very helpful to hear that your experience isn´t out of the ordinary but others have lived through it too.