[battlescarr]

So, in my intro I posted that my mom died last year (2014).

She was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 2012 and she fought really hard for 18 months. I mean so hard!!! She had so many complications from chemo and hospital stays and infections, that even getting her blood cells up to a normal level to be able to fight was such a challenge. She had an infection that she got from the hospital that ate away her epiglottis in her throat, which caused paralysis of a vocal chord, and swelling of the trachea so bad she had to have a tracheotomy put in, so talking, breathing, eating, coughing was a whole new ball game. It was so scary... never knowing what could happen.

I remember after we put her in the hospice house, she came to me one night - I swear I was not dreaming. I was sleeping on the couch and I got awoken by a very bright light surrounding me. My mom looked beautiful, she was enveloped in this light and she was smiling. She didn't have the trach, she didn't look sick at all. She looked amazing. She was sitting on the edge of the couch smiling at me and she looked straight into my eyes and said, "You will be okay. Everything will be fine." That's all she said. She smiled at me and just like that the light and everything was gone. I think of that often... because to me, everything is not fine. I am only 28 and I do not have my mother with me the rest of my life and it hurts. It hurts so bad to know that all of the times I took for granted, I could have spent with her and now I am sitting here regretting ever leaving her side when she was sick because I could have asked her all the things I was afraid to ask. "Are you scared? Am I going to be okay? Will you watch over me? Do you think you're going to die?"

We were told she had 6 months on New years day 2014... she came home on the 8th (Wednesday). She spent the entire weekend going through her things and doleing them out to people. She never gave us a reason why, only, "Just because." Only after she passed, my brother told me she knew she was dying. She pulled him aside that weekend and told him if he had anything to say to her, he needed to say it to her now. Little did we know Monday morning, we would be admitting her to the hospice house because she couldn't remember the year, didn't know where she was, and she was talking to people that weren't there.

In a way... I wish she would have just said to me, "I'm dying." I probably would have snapped out of my denial. I denied she was dying, didn't want to talk about it when she brought it up, brushed her away. I wish she would have taken me by the shoulders and told me, "I'm dying and it's okay to be sad and afraid. But you don't have to be." It would have helped me so much more.

[kaliope]

could have asked her all the things I was afraid to ask. "Are you scared? Am I going to be okay? Will you watch over me? Do you think you're going to die?"

i am sorry that you lost your mom and are hurting so bad. In your post, you answered the questions you were afraid to ask. I dont believe she was scared as she seems to have accepted her death as evidenced by the fact she was preparing your brother, which also answers the question does she think she is going to die. as for are you going to be ok and will she watch over you, well those are answered by your beautiful light experience when your mother came to you and told you everything will be ok. she was watching over you then and letting you know you would be ok. whenever you wonder, bring back the essense of that memory. take care.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mother died in 2002 from complications of sickle cell anemia. I'll never forget that day. She fought so hard throughout her entire life against that disease. She went through so much, and she was the strongest person I ever knew. Your mother sounds like she was wonderful, strong, and such a fighter especially battling against cancer. All the complications you mentioned...I just couldn't imagine.

That is such an amazing experience. Your mom coming to you and letting you know that you would be okay. What an experience to cherish. I know that feeling that things will not be alright. My mother died when I was 13 and I didn't know what I was going to do. I felt like you do. I asked myself, "What am I without my mother?" The thought of not having her for the rest of my life was almost too much. Like you said...it hurt...and it hurt bad. We can't be perfect. As hard as we try we just can't. For her to come to you the way she did, doesn't seem like she saw you as one who took her for granted. As hard as it can be we must try not to be so hard on ourselves. We have to live our lives, but that doesn't mean that we loved them any less. Like for me, I should have known that my mother was as sick as she was. I should have known that she was moved to the hospice. I should have been there with her everyday that I could have been instead of only finding out everything on the morning that she died. There's so much that we wish we could do because we don't think about them ever not being there. Hindsight can be 20/20. But I don't think they would look at us that way. I don't think they would blame us like we blame ourselves. I think they would just be happy that we did try in whatever way we knew how too. I agree with Kaliope, she answered many of those questions for you. Draw on those moments to give you strength. We'll always remember them, and we'll always keep them in our hearts. I promise you that it will get easier *hugs*

In a way, I wish I could of had what you speak of. I wish that she or someone in the family would have taken me to side and explained to me what was going on. However, that didn't happen. I must make my peace with that, and I feel that in time you will too. In your own way and time. It's okay to be sad, afraid, and angry if you feel that too. It's okay to grieve. It sounds like she may have tried to have that talk with you, but you just may not have been ready. It hurts that we realize we wanted that only after they're gone, but it does get easier. I promise you that it does get easier.

[battlescarr]

Thehours, you may have been right... she might have tried to have that talk with me. She went through a period of "no cancer" for 6 months, and for those 6 months she lived. She took a trip to South Carolina with my sister, and she dug out in her garden. She really did live those 6 months. She always said, "You know what happens when it comes back, right? Chances are it will..." I would always say, "Stop it. I don't want to talk about it, you're fine."

I can remember... right before we took her to the hospital for the very last time (she had to get a stomach bag to drain whatever was in her stomach, because by then the cancer had compromised her entire digestive system and small colon) she kept throwing up. She couldn't keep anything down. One night I was pacing the floor, saying to her, "You can't keep doing this mom. SOMEONE has to do SOMETHING for you." It seemed everytime we took her to the hospital, they would load her with fluid, she would fine, and she would come home and throw up everything again. So we would have to keep taking her back. I mean this throw up wasn't ordinary it was green and looked like coffee grounds. I couldn't figure out WHY she kept throwing up! Finally one night, weaker than a newborn colt she was laying on the couch and looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, "I can't keep doing this, can I?" I don't know... if she was asking for permission to stop and let go or what - I can only think now what it meant to her to tell me this, and I looked right back at her - and at the time I thought she meant, "hey, I can't keep doing this they need to figure out what's wrong." No... I know she had to have meant, I need to go... and I need you to let me go.

I know she was hanging on for me. For my brother, and my sister. My brother was having a baby with his gf in May and she wanted to be here for it. She was our only... she was mom and dad, since my dad refused to acknowledge he had children. She was everything to us. So in a way, I think that she was holding on and trying for us... but she got tired, her body got tired, I guess I don't blame her but... it still sucks.

Battlescar, you are so brave to share your story and to allow yourself to go through this process of grieving. To come here and find support...that is so very brave of you.

Yeah, and no one could blame you for trying to remain positive and not wanting to have that scary conversation. But we look back and realize that perhaps it did come up, but it just wasn't something with which we were quite ready to deal. I'm remembering one day before my mom died. My father stopped by my house after he had apparently been to visit my mom in the hospital. He was furious that I hadn't been to see her. You see, my mother had been to the hospital countless times throughout her life due to her illness. So, at the time he yelled at me I didn't quite get why he was so upset. Now, I realize that I felt guilty after he left. I felt guilty because I didn't want to believe that she was worse than before and that this wasn't just another one of her trips to the hospital. Hindsight can seem so 20/20 sometimes you know? Again, no one could blame you for not wanting to have that conversation. What's the right way to talk about such a topic you know? You did what you knew how to do and what you ready for. No one can fault you for that. Oh but how she lived! She lived. And her strength in living is a wonderful memory to keep.

Perhaps she was asking your permission to let go my dear. Perhaps she was. I think that whatever you feel in your heart is the right answer. What a show of love on her part to hang on as long as she did. That's another memory you can take with you. She hung on for you and your siblings. I know it really does suck, but hold on to how much she loved you.

[battlescarr]

Thehours, I can't even begin to tell you how much your post meant to me. In all of my grief, I never once sat down and just thought to myself, "Look how much my mom loved me." I am sitting here now, at this very minute, able to count all of the times where she loved myelf, and my siblings so much, and her act of courage so brave to hang on, even when she knew she couldn't anymore.

Her asking permission, never came to me until after she passed away. I was going through her things one night, and that specific conversation came to my mind. I think at that moment in her life, she needed permission to let go. She was so focused on being there for my brother - his son was due in May, and she wanted to be there to see my daughter graduate from preschool, that she was overwhelmed with taking care of us and fighting her disease. Not in a bad way - but she just looked up at me, so tired, so weak and so... desperate for help, that she just said, 'I can't do this anymore, can I?' In only a matter of weeks, she did finally let go and she finally got her peace. And you know, sitting here analyzing this, has given me so much peace and state of mind. Thank you, so very much. It's so refreshing to be able to know that she is no longer in pain, no longer hurting and no longer having to "fight". And boy, did she fight. She fought for 18 months. So many hospitals, and like you, my mom was in them so much that... visiting just seemed like, another day. 'My mom is in the hospital again' kind of thing. But you know..... if I had known, I guess, that she wouldn't come home and spend another 10 years with us... I probably would do it all differently, and sit there and spend time with her, and ask her questions, and write down the answers, and keep a memory book of all of things I would want to know about her. Time really is a funny thing.

^_^ You are so very welcome my dear. I'm just honored that I could play a part, however small, in helping you to remember her love for you and your siblings. That love, what a wonderful knowing to hold onto.

[moodycow]