Grieving and support

Greetings,

My father passed away last Friday (US time) in Asia. He had been
fighting against lung cancer for a year and his heart just stopped
beating...

It came as a shock, I had to take Friday off to calm down. It's hard
as my family are all in Asia and I am grieving in Dallas. It helps
to talk to the chaplain provided by my employer.

As I have the history of depression, I attend Recovery inc (a self-
help support for mental health) for support since May this year. I
agreed to assist this member a week before my death to take care of
his dog and cat whie he traveled out of town. Then the news of my
father's came and I informed this individual of my father's passing
away. After expressing his sorry, he and his wife inquired if I
would still care for the animal at his house. I guess I was not
really thinking, or was in shock, I said I would.

They left me instructions for the chores. I was frustrated on Friday
when I showed up as they expected me to use my cell phone for all
phone communications. [I only did them a favor, this is not a paid
position, I use Tracfone, prepaid services, only for urgent use of
the phone. ] I spend three nights (Friday, Saturday, Sunday) and I
felt so disoriented staying in an old big house, did not know the
neighborhood, mourning about the loss of father...

I finally called the daughter (who is in town) of this pet owner on
Saturday to inform her I need to leave early to fly to Asia, guess
what, she did not call me back until 24 hours later.

I also called the owner on Sunday, but sensed he was in a rush....I
did not get to finish what I meat to say. Finally I just had
enough, I felt I could not beathe, I had to leave that place, I felt
so dumb, what was I thinking to take care of a cat and a dog in a
unfamiliar neighborhood? How am I grieving? I need the time and
space, I only one week to get ready for the funeral.........

I finally broke down and called another member of Recovery,
fortunately he got me out of that arrangment. I am finally able to
breathe though it hurts as I am experiencing tightness in the chest..

Why was I put others' needs before my need? Why other people would
take advantage of me? For sure I will never ever speak to that pet
owner again, wasn't he supposed to say," sorry about your loss, is
there anything we can do" instead of " sorry to hear that, are you
still going to take care of the dog and cat?"

Thanks for listening.

JJ

sorry about the loss of your father

it's good that you have support from Recovery members.

Your needs are important, and other people will take advantage (there are a lot of them around - live and learn).

Hope that you are feeling better

I,too, am sorry for the loss of your father. There aren't enough words to express the emotions at a time like this. My father died in 2001 from complications of surgery on his anerysms. He had two of them on his aorta. It was hard watching him go, but he once told me he would never want to live off machines. My stepmother and I made the decision to turn off the ventilator, and he died in his sleep the following day. At first I felt terrible guilt over that, but then realized that he wasn't ever going to wake up. Ever!!
My mother and younger brother both died six weeks apart in '92 and '93. My mom committed suicide. She wsn't in her right mind, she was dying from cancer that had spread to her lung and brain. I guess she didn't want us to watch her suffer in the end. But that's NOT how it feels!!! Every year around Christmas I get the blues and feel the loss of both of them. It never really goes away entirely. Very sad.
I think I may have made friends with the grieving side of me, but hardly the guilt. What could I have done to save my mother??? That's the nagging question out there for me.
Why couldn't I see it coming? I will never know "closure" for her....and I'll go to my grave wondering why she did this.....