Grieving

My PTSD has jumped back into active mode over the last month or so. The big trigger this time was my adoptive mother sending a mothers day card that suggested that I was loved from the time I was born... now that I have kids of my own, somehow I can understand how much she loves me.

Thing is, I was orphaned. She did not meet me until I was almost 4 months old. And she betrayed me. She neglected me and emotionally abused me. She allowed my father to abuse me. She allowed her brother (who happened to be a pastor too) to molest me.

I do not talk to her. I have not talked to her for 5 years. Still she will not leave me alone.

This stupid card she sent me finally sent me over the edge. I hate her. She implied that because I have kids of my own, that I understand now how much she loves me. What I really understand is how much she DOESN'T love me..... just used and abused me.

I have (what my therapist calls) psychic memory of my birth mother. A baby is bonded to mother long before birth. I miss her so much. I used to wake up every morning crying for her... until I just despaired, when I was about 10.

I finally understand that I am grieving for the loss of my real biological mother. I can barely get through my days right now. I've fallen back into a bad pattern of overwork and insomnia, nightmares, appetite loss.

I don't know why I'm even posting. I guess I just needed to get this all off my chest.

I'm so sorry obsids *hugs* Hoping you feel better soon.

Obsids, I'm also an adult adoptee that grieves for my birth mother. Its hard to explain to people who have never experienced the real loss of who should have been the most important person in you life and to say you still have a bond to her.

I'm currently in therapy working on these issues.

Theres a good book you may want to look up called "Primal wound" it talks about all those pre verbal feelings.

obsids,
I'm so sorry. I care. No advice here, as I'm not in your place, but your pain is very real none the less.

I'm glad you had a book recommendation that hopefully would help validate your pain...it's a very very real loss.

No matter the story and reasons behind the adoption, abandonment is one of the most raw wounds to find healing for.

[[ I was abandoned at 10 when both my parents died...unintensional for sure - maybe stupidity for my surgeon Daddy to fly that day and take Momma with him]]]

Have you tried EMDR for working through the preverbal tramma?

btw a random comment here - I find most cards off the rack are horribly inacurate for my family situation!