Death- expected vs. unexpected

But would you rather have had your 24-year-old brother be diagnosed with cancer and have a miserable, lingering death just so you could say goodbye? Or have had the car crash result in him being massively injured and lingering in a painful state for months or years so that you had the chance to say goodbye? I doubt that you would have wanted that for either of you.

Maybe if you can look at it that way, it will help you deal with the loss.

Daisy is only discussing mourning the tragic loss of her brother at such a young age, and missing having him in her life going forward.

This line of questioning is irrelevant to anything she said and frankly seems to be designed to inflict shame or guilt, which is not going to help the grief process at all.

But would you rather have had your 24-year-old brother be diagnosed with cancer and have a miserable, lingering death just so you could say goodbye? Or have had the car crash result in him being massively injured and lingering in a painful state for months or years so that you had the chance to say goodbye? I doubt that you would have wanted that for either of you.

Maybe if you can look at it that way, it will help you deal with the loss.

I was merely responding with my own experience with both expected & unexpected deaths. Not speaking for everyone, but from my own experience. It was more difficult for me, still is, with how unexpected his death was. I didn't say that I wanted to say goodbye, but I would have liked more time with him, as he was only 24. My brother was killed and massively injured. DOA. We were only allowed to see his hand.

Your way, your thought process does not help with my loss.

when we expect someone to die we can start grieving with Anticipatory Grief.

Unexpected can blindside us and be more of a shock

What do you see as the major differences in expected death and unexpected death?

My uncle unexpectedly passed away from lung cancer that spread to his heart. We all didnt know we was sick so I think the biggest difference is not being able to talk to him and tell him how much we loved him and not being able to say goodbye. Death is for the living. We have to cope with it and learn to live without that person. It is beyond difficult.

Do you think there's anyway to have closure with not being able to say good bye and say how much you loved them?

I asked this myself. From what was told to me, it's changing my lens of perspective. I had trouble with writing a letter to my brother that passed (it was an assignment of mine from my T). I got stuck on forgiveness and apology and what it entails with the living (like how could I apologize and forgive a person that passed away?).

Some people write in a journal of conversation to the deceased love one, others write letters and at some point it's supposed to bring a different type of closure. I'm still working on this myself, so I don't really have an answer of what works. But it's worth a shot?

I am sorry for all those who have lost someone. I have found out what loss is in the only way that I could. I lost my dad 20 months ago. At first I was wrapped up in the tasks of getting the funeral behind us and caring for family members. I thought after the funeral things would be all better..

3 months later on what would have been his 90th birthday, my feelings really started to come out. Then I really began to grieve. And I am still grieving. The sadness is less but the loss is more apparent to me. I guess I did not see my dad dying or I avoided it. But now there is nowhere to hide and so I am coming to terms with losing him and eventually my mom. And the hardest part of all this is I can see I am following in my parents footsteps.

What do you mean by following your parents foot steps?

My Dad died unexpectedly and I think that’s worse. We had a good relationship and I got to see him the week before and I always told him I loved him, so I am very thankful for that. He forgot his cane one morning when he went to the bathroom. When he came out, he fell and hit his head so hard that he only lived until that night.
My Mom now walks with a walker, but is constantly forgetting to use it, so now I’m scared that I’ll find her on the floor when I go over there one day!
I’m dealing with the issue of anxiety about anything being taken away in the blink of an eye. I’m depressed, don’t want to go out and am very anxious about loss. Besides going to work, I just want to sleep all day and stay home with my dogs. I can’t seem to break out of this funk.

when we expect someone to die we can start grieving with Anticipatory Grief.

Unexpected can blindside us and be more of a shock