My therapist says we need to visit the day my husband died. I have to get ready for that.

He died right after the artificial heart transplant—he never had a chance to wake up. I was with him when something went wrong. They couldn’t save him. They threw me out, then after a long time brought me back in to ask me to sign things to allow them to turn off the artificial heart and the respirator. I sat there unable to do anything. They had to shut the doors and draw the curtains because I collapsed and cried on the floor. I was all alone in San Diego-he was flown out there for the surgery. His family didn’t come for the surgery, even though we knew his chances were not good.

His mother and his brother would not come. They are too “sensitive.”

His heart had been damaged by radiation treatments many years ago when the treatments were much harsher. Actually, he told me his family didn’t come to the hospital when he had his radiation treatments, including his father who was alive back then, when he was 21. They can’t handle seeing anyone “suffer.”

I’m the age he was when he died.

Our daughter was 17 when he died.

Anyway, I was just thinking about him and some of the music he liked. He loved this song - Southern Cross

[possum220]

Thanks for sharing the song that was a part of his life. I am sorry that you were alone on that very painful day.

You are allowed to feel the waves of emotions, the anger in the wind and the grief of tears in the rain. It's your journey and this is as important as the final destination under the Southern Cross. Be safe.

[Candy1955]

That is so tragic, so real, my heart aches for you.

[ohmydaisy]

That sounds really, really difficult. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. What did your therapist mean by facing the day? If you don't want to answer, that's okay. I have a little trouble with certain phrases.

My brother's death anniversary is coming up here in June. Last year my mother came to visit me because she didn't want to be alone on that day. I didn't want to think about it and decided to take her shopping for funky outfits and then head out to adult prom event that was on the same night of the anniversary. It was a weird day and I tried to get both my mom and me completely wasted and tried to push through it.

I've no idea what to do this year. I was thinking about heading to the place we scattered his ashes, but I don't know if I'm ready for that yet.

I hope you get some peace and comfort after what you need to do.

[Deejay14]

Keytones,
What a heart breaking story....and that you had to be there by yourself...there are just no words. If my spouse was so ill most of my sibs and their spouses would show up if I needed them. Your story hits home because my brother just had a double lung transplant in late September.
The wait for the lungs was a harrowing, emotional experience for his family and all his sibs. We are still all in this one day at atime with him and his family. So sorry your family could see past their own needs and support you. Sometimes life just sucks. There is no better word to describe some experiences. I hope you are able talk about it and somehow find some comfort for the long run. YOU ARE AMAZING!

Daisy-The therapist didn’t quite say it that way. I have to identify targets for EMDR therapy. One of my problems is being disconnected and not knowing why I’m having anxiety attacks. It’s hard to identify targets. I know this is one, and I have been blocking it out. What I need to do is reprocess it—that’s the wording she uses.

I find anniversarys very difficult. I don’t know what to say there, except that. I’ve tried some suggestions by grief support, some worked out OK, some were too painful. I think we have to just find our way

Thank you

[Skeezyks]

[~Christina]

Heart breaking

[Candy1955]

You are so special, and so faithful. Any way I can help you just let me know.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by key tones

My therapist says we need to visit the day my husband died. I have to get ready for that.

He died right after the artificial heart transplant—he never had a chance to wake up. I was with him when something went wrong. They couldn’t save him. They threw me out, then after a long time brought me back in to ask me to sign things to allow them to turn off the artificial heart and the respirator. I sat there unable to do anything. They had to shut the doors and draw the curtains because I collapsed and cried on the floor. I was all alone in San Diego-he was flown out there for the surgery. His family didn’t come for the surgery, even though we knew his chances were not good.

His mother and his brother would not come. They are too “sensitive.”

His heart had been damaged by radiation treatments many years ago when the treatments were much harsher. Actually, he told me his family didn’t come to the hospital when he had his radiation treatments, including his father who was alive back then, when he was 21. They can’t handle seeing anyone “suffer.”

I’m the age he was when he died.

Our daughter was 17 when he died.

Anyway, I was just thinking about him and some of the music he liked. He loved this song - Southern Cross

Howe are you going to visit that day? What therapy?

Originally Posted by Trace14

Howe are you going to visit that day? What therapy?

It’s EMDR therapy. I have to picture it, notice how I feel, rate the intensity, and then the therapist talks a bit and I answer questions. Then she turns on a light that you follow with your eyes along a long track while holding vibrating hand pieces (that helps keep me from dissociating).

It’s reprocessing and desensitization for trauma. It is extremely effective for veterans with ptsd.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by key tones

It’s EMDR therapy. I have to picture it, notice how I feel, rate the intensity, and then the therapist talks a bit and I answer questions. Then she turns on a light that you follow with your eyes along a long track while holding vibrating hand pieces (that helps keep me from dissociating).

It’s reprocessing and desensitization for trauma. It is extremely effective for veterans with ptsd.

If it works for you that's great. As with most therapies there's so many variables to the client, procedure, and way it is presented by the T that it may or may not help with each person. But if you have found something that works for you , stick with it.

So far, it is going well, but we’ve worked on easier incidents. I like the therapist; she is by far more professional and credible than my last one. The EMDR therapy examples on YouTube are not the way she works, which is a good thing.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by key tones

So far, it is going well, but we’ve worked on easier incidents. I like the therapist; she is by far more professional and credible than my last one. The EMDR therapy examples on YouTube are not the way she works, which is a good thing.

That's great that she has found something that works for you. Better hang on to her, she's a keeper

[Gus1234U]

my heart goes out to you, Keytones... mostly because i know the cost of re-associating.... we dissociate for a reason, to avoid the pain... so DO remember to take good care of yourself after each session... plan it out: no other demanding activities, good food ready to eat, book or movie to watch, warn your friends......

but all in all, i'm glad you are ready to break down those walls, and regain your freedom~!

[CANDC]

Originally Posted by key tones

My therapist says we need to visit the day my husband died. I have to get ready for that.

He died right after the artificial heart transplant—he never had a chance to wake up. I was with him when something went wrong. They couldn’t save him. They threw me out, then after a long time brought me back in to ask me to sign things to allow them to turn off the artificial heart and the respirator. I sat there unable to do anything. They had to shut the doors and draw the curtains because I collapsed and cried on the floor. I was all alone in San Diego-he was flown out there for the surgery. His family didn’t come for the surgery, even though we knew his chances were not good.

His mother and his brother would not come. They are too “sensitive.”

His heart had been damaged by radiation treatments many years ago when the treatments were much harsher. Actually, he told me his family didn’t come to the hospital when he had his radiation treatments, including his father who was alive back then, when he was 21. They can’t handle seeing anyone “suffer.”

I’m the age he was when he died.

Our daughter was 17 when he died.

Anyway, I was just thinking about him and some of the music he liked. He loved this song - Southern Cross

Sorry for the loss of your husband. Grief can take so long to get over. I just had time to listen to Crosby, Stills & Nash - Southern Cross. Love it an old favorite of mine.

I am so sorry for your loss Key tones. I lost my 2 brothers and they were young too (one was 15 and the other 39) If ever you need to talk you can PM me

Thank you so much, Lavender. Oh my, your brothers were so young

Thank you too, Gus and Candc and everyone

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Ah, KT. This brings a lump to my throat. I'm so sorry you had to go through that terrible thing alone

[Gus1234U]

[88Butterfly88]

[xmascarol]

For me it has been almost 14 years since my husband died he passed away on July 29 and two years ago my dad died on July 30.My husband was very sick he was only 51 when he died he had parkinsons desease.He died right in front of me it was just plain awful.I often talk to him .I loved him so much I had two children with him I feel so bad because my two grandchildren never had a chance to meet him.It is so hard for me