It is coming up on a year

It has almost been a year since Steve died. I don't remember the exact date which I am glad of. I don't want to remember the exact date I just remember it was early September. I just remember that it was shortly after school had started because I was worried that it was going to set the mood for how my semester was going be.

I still can't let myself let him go. I want to hold on to him because he meant so much to me. We worked so good together. Yes I like my current T but she's not Steve. Nor will she ever be. I shouldn't even compare her to Steve. I think about this year and all that I have done and think would he be proud? I think so. I think he would be disappointed that I didn't finish my internship though. I know he knew how important it was to me to get that diploma saying that I graduated but I didn't get it and I know he knows that it is killing me inside but I can't do anything about it because its too late. I can't afford to pay for the internship and the place that was paying for it says nope we ain't gonna do it. So it's placed into the someday box. Someday I will be well enough to go back to work so that I can afford to pay for the internship.

Why can't I let go of someone that I loved (not romantically) so much, that meant the world to me, that taught me so much, that showed me the lighter side of life, that would want me to let him go?

Jbug

*hug* i know how you feel

Thanks Hallie.

Jbug

I'm so sorry for your pain (((((((((((((((((((jbug))))))))))))

Thanks wth.

I was talking with a friend tonight and she reminded me that if Steve was here that he would be smacking me in the head for comparing Savannah (my current T) to him. I need to remember that no one can compare to him and that I shouldn't be trying to replace him.

Jbug

(((Jbug)))

We talked about it in therapy today and decided that I would honor Steve's memory buy taking cookies by OGC (where he used to work) and giving them to Nancy (his boss and good friend) but we are going to talk about it some more before I do like what I'm expecting to get out of it etc. I think that will be good because that is what I did right after he died. They did a support group meeting but I just couldn't make myself go to it and instead made cookies for the group and I did a scrapbook page but didn't adhere it real well and it kind of fell apart so that is one of the things I will do also is repair his scrapbook page I did.

Jbug

(((((((( jbug ))))))))

sorry if this is the wrong thing to say but you will always have your memories and no-one can ever take those away from you.

and you'll always have a special place in your heart for Steve no matter who else you may come to love --- nothing wrong with that.

also, you're stronger than you may think and you WILL get through this.

much peace, love, hugs and care to you.