[Maya]

my mother died on May 30 of ovarian cancer. She was diagnosed only 3 weeks before she died (one week after the surgery to remove the huge tumor). He internal organs were covered in cancer. I stayed with her for the last two days of her life and when the hospital called that night that she had died I was relieved she was out of pain. I cried, briefly, that night and one or two times since, but I can't seem to give myself the permission to really grieve and get it out. My T says I need to do it but I just don't know how to give up that iron control I keep on my feelings. The loss of her was very difficult - she had schizophrenia, undiagnosed until I was 12 or 13 so my early childhood years are pretty much unknown to me (locked out of my consciousness). Now, with therapy some things are coming back and I really need to get in touch with how badly I feel for her: for how badly she suffered for over a year without telling anyone about her pain. I hurt so bad, not being able to grieve. Just wanted some comfort - some words on how to let go since I have not been able to.

[Myzen]

Mars,

A lot of us have been in that place. It takes a long time and maybe it just can't be hurried. Then one day something else happens, maybe you see something on TV, or hear about something sad, and it all comes out.

It sounds like you really loved your mother, and what could be wrong with that?

Hang on in there, mars, I think your doing OK .

Myzen

[Maya]

Yes, I did - but there is also a lot of guilt and anxiety since she suffered from schizophrenia and I had the trauma from growing up with that so the mixed feelings of relief and guilt and grief have been fighting it out - but I did love her, very much - it's just that her disease got in the way sometimes.

[wisewoman]

Mars, I am sorry your grief gets complicated. I think it does for most of us, despite your mother having schizophrenia. That adds to the complication but all grief has many layers I believe. It feels unbearable and somehow we move and sort it through. I have hope for that for you, for me, I know that it shapes and changes and finds meaning in our hearts. It takes a while to even begin the process of sifting through the layers. My daughter was gone for 5 years when I was finally able to tell her I did the best I could caring for her and understand that she loved and appreciated that. it was a really big deal. I hope the times get easier. I know depending on your faith that this may be a sad time of year approaching. Just know i get it, i am here to listen and your feelings don't scare or overwhelm me. Many of us are allergic to death and so they offer platitudes that are meant well but make you want to grab for the jugular anyway. So get comfort where you can and be mindful of your needs.

[dakota]

Mars,
Just from the little you wrote, it sounds like you "are" grieving in your own way. I don't think one has to have a breakdown to be grieving. Everyone grieves in his/her own way. You have so many things on your mind...your childhood with your mother that you can't recall so well, and now the passing of your mother that you loved so much. Be good to yourself and patient as well. There are no set rules for grieving. You will "handle" it in your own way. And that's what's best for you. Take care, and know that there is a complete stranger (me) that will include you in her prayers tonight. Susan

[keeper]

Mars its ok to feel the way you do, at times in life people have to be strong for one onother and sometimes the children have to carry the streangth for the parent puting aside their own feeling and worries to keep that pareant at ease and srong for theirself becouse having them worry do not help the probleam at hand. this means the children have to grow up so much faster then we want to and it is hard but dont force it the feelings will come keep your faith and ask god for help and he will.

[gloria]

Some food for thought here:
To grieve doesn't necesarily requires you to cry. People grieve in diferent ways, and crying might just not be your way.

If you allow the pain to invade you all the way, and trully let it in, and then deal with it instead of avoiding it, however you deal with it (crying, or disconnecting from the world, or laughting) that is your way of grieving.

The important thing is that you allow yourself to hurt. It is ok.