[SweetCrusader]

"Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn't ask for money, or a mansion in Malibu
I simply wished for one more day with you

One more day, one more time
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied
But then again, I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you..."

(~Diamond Rio~)

Ever since Jon was killed in the car accident (Sept. 17 of this year), I just keep wishing I could have one more hug. Just one more smile. Just to hear his voice one more time. It breaks my heart in half. I cry and cry. Sometimes I think I can feel his arms around me, and a memory of him will flood my mind and heart, and I just break down.

I see us standing in his parent's driveway, just hanging on to eachother for the longest hug ever. Neither one of us ever seemed to want to let go. I could have just stayed in his arms for hours. I relive those moments over and over again, and I think, why couldn't I just hang on to him forever? I can't believe he is gone. I can't believe I cannot ever feel his arms around me again for real. I can't believe I can't look at his beautiful blue eyes again. It hurts.

It is so unfair that I had to lose both Vern and Jon within 10 days of eachother. Each loss on its own feels like more than I can take.

I am trying so hard to quit cutting, but it feels so impossible to do. Today, I wanted to cut up my chest. I wished that I could cut the pain right out of my heart. Oh, it hurts so much.

I still cannot believe Jon is dead. My heart bleeds and bleeds.

Wish I could give you real hugs, sweetie. So sorry you are carrying such sadness today. Know I'm here thinking of you. (((Angie)))

Auntie

[SweetCrusader]

((((((Emmy)))))) Thank you for your kind heart. You are so wonderful to me. I wish I could have a real hug right now, too.

((((((((((Angela)))))))))) I am so sorry for these horrible losses. Please know that I am holding you in my heart today.

[wisewoman]

Angela, I don't know how we grow to understand that someone is gone from us, that the gone is final. But gradually I guess we do, it is horrid and we fight it all the way, no it can't be true! I know, I really know. Jon was such a fixture in your life. The pain is best directed away from your body, that I do know. Take it to a scream or a punch on the pillows or a work out, try not to let it turn into your self. We can see the pain, we don't need to see physical scars from it. We can know the debth of loss and be here with you. Is there anything that your friends believed in that you could contribute to so you can feel a sacrement and a connection? It has been helpful to me to tell folks here about my Jane because I feel like I am sharing her and in turn these online friends are sharing in the loss as it moves and changes. I really do not recall your telling us about Jon, or vern. Tell us please who they were, how you met, what did you do together? Let us feel who these people are. Peace Angela

[SweetCrusader]

Thanks for your love, everyone. It is so needed.

WW, I would LOVE to tell you all about them both. I just can't do it today. The wound is too raw, and I just can't.

I've been working for over a month on a letter to Jon's mom, but I can't write it. I fall apart. Just reading your words, I began to cry again.

Thank you for the offer to hear about them, though. When it hurts less, I will try.

Love to all,
Angela

[wisewoman]

Angela, I understand that it feels like too much to write about your friends, lost in very different ways. I don't know if this is true for you but I used to: "be allergic" to strong emotions and do anything I could to escape them. It is still there but I am better able to feel than I used to be. I am wondering if it might be helpful to put as many words around the feelings as you can and let the tears come and remember the things that need remembering as well as honoring the memories. I don't assume that I know much, and I know my experience is not yours. That said, I have found that grieving can be less agony by sharing the person's memory with others. Grieving alone is more than difficult. Done it both ways. There is nothing wrong with crying, feeling strong feelings. Where it gets scarey is taking that into yourself and trying to change the feelings by S.I. I know, all easier said then done.

[Mahali]

SweatCrusader,
I am new here and I just wanted to offer my support to try and help you through this loss. I cannot know what you went through when you lost these dear people so close to you. I know the pain is not gone now but I do hope in some small way you are healing. I read posts and you help so many other people with your support. I wish there was more i could do for you. (((((SweatCrusader))))))

Please take care.

place

[SweetCrusader]

Thanks, places. I am healing, although I don't think the pain will ever go away completely.

And thanks to you as well, ww. Sorry I didn't respond before.

(((Hugs)))
Angela

[allautumn]

Oh, dear...
The emotional wounds are still fresh. Please don't make physical ones ((((Angela)))). Keep posting. It takes a long time to heal, but it will happen. Your love for him will never stop, but it will change with you. I hope that when you are ready, you will share some things with us. It's good for you to remember the happy things once you have reached the point when you can, and share them with other people. That's part of healing, just as the pain is now. Stay with us through this process, we're all staying with you.

[SweetCrusader]

Thanks, allautumn. I really appreciate your kind words. This particular si urge passed a while ago. And I have committed myself to quitting cutting. Tommorrow will be my 1 month mark.

I am also slowly healing from the losses that I've suffered. It hits me still sometimes, and maybe it will forever. But it gets a little tiny bit easier to handle with every passing day.

I SOOOO appreciate your support & acknowledgement of my post & my pain.
*hugs* if you want them

Angela

[allautumn]

Hey, that's great about your one month mark. It's something to be proud of, congratulations!