my lost child

i got pregnant when i was 18. the father was my age, an alcoholic and a gambler, but i fell in love (at least thought so) with him anyway. he made me feel i matter (later i found out it was a lie - he had been years with a girl much younger than me).

at first i decided i would get rid of her. then as weeks passed, i grew more and more attached to her. i felt terrible about abortion, so i decided to keep her. i started seeing the nurse, i was so happy.. even when i ceased contact with the father, i was happy i had my little kaitlyn cordelia.

and i would read to her in bed, think of the things that needed to be thought about, whether i would be a good mother, how a baby develops, why babies cry...

her due date was october 21st, 2007.

i don't want to go into details, but one day at work i just started feeling terrible and bleeding.

i was devastated, but i saw a very good psychologist at the time so she helped me a lot.

today she crossed my mind because i looked at the calendar and realized that it's october. her 1st birthday would have been soon.

i have never in my life wanted children, but i love her and i would give anything if i had her here with me now. i never saw her, but i miss her.

my friend once asked me because i was crying over an online friend, "how can you cry over someone you've never met?"

i could punch her - you can do that very easily.

twilight

I'm so sorry. You're right, you can cry very easily over someone you've never met. When that someone is your child, it's even easier. I'm a birthmom -- wasn't in any shape to raise a child on my own after being abandoned by his father. He's had a fabulous life with the people who adopted him, and we have some contact now, but it's email only. He's 20 years old and I haven't laid eyes on him since he was 5 days old, and I didn't even know where he was, if he was healthy, and OK, etc, till he was 16. In all those years I probably cried enough tears to flood the planet several times over.

Literally decades later, I still have lots of trouble in May (his birthday is May 26). The first year was particularly bad, though. May I suggest on behalf of us both that you slap the crap out of anyone who says "oh, you're still young, you can have more"? Don't let anybody minimize your grief like that.

Big hugs to you. Please PM if you'd like to talk more. I'll be thinking of you.

Candy

(((candybear))) thanks for sharing your experience.

May I suggest on behalf of us both that you slap the crap out of anyone who says "oh, you're still young, you can have more"?

yes! it's like belittling the lost child, like they were an object among others, like you can replace a stuffed toy with another one. you just can't replace a child. a human being. even animals can't be replaced, how could children be?

how rude.hehe. that's all i wanted to say.


twilight

twilight ,,, I am so sad for you at this moment ,,, I so enjoyed [ only word I could think of ] ,,, enjoyed The LOVE you described as you were anticipateing this little kaitlyn cordelia daughter.....

I had a daughter many many years ago .... only saw a few times in her early years >> But as Candy describes >>.. [ and for 34 years now ]... I have thought of her everyday ..and pretty much just go sad each time as I do ..

Her birthday just past,,sept.22.

{{{{{{{{ warm hugs }}}}}}}}}

WMD.

(((wmd))) i'm sad for you too... it seems we have a club here.

i'm glad you enjoyed the anticipation - i very much enjoyed expecting her and i wanted to tell the world. it was a wise thing not to... would have had to walk around hanging head in shame later.

thanks for your kind reply and sharing your experience,
twilight

(((((twilight)))))
my son's anniversay was in September; I understand your pain.

(((sujunew)))

i'm sorry.. i guess they get better with time, though.


twilight

I had thought and hoped that it would get easier in time, and it had til this year when my eldest daughter was in hospital on the anniversary... that was tougher than I could ever have imagined- being back in that environment on that day. Normally we make it a celebration- a party for him and make a cake, sing 'happy birthday' etc. That way both my girls can be involved, and while it is a bittersweet time we make it a happy time.

oooh! that is a wonderful idea. what i've done is write her a letter and posted it in my online journal, or rather, an online journal community i belong to. (http://community.livejournal.com/dear_you/)

i'm glad your girls are with you in spirit!


twilight

What a horrible thing for someone to say. Wouldn't be surprised if this person is on the former friend list. I've never been pregnant and can only imagine the bond that you form with your child. Of course you met your child. Just not in the way this friend expected I guess. So sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.

(((venlafaxine))) (hehe - sorry i couldn't bother to type the formula)

thanks. actually - you are right on - that person IS on my former friend list (mostly for other reasons, though). sometimes people you know online are even more real than the ones you know in real life. before i met my current partner, the closest i got to "being understood" was with a friend i knew online. also, i never knew i would bond with an unborn child, i was always and still am pro choice. it's so weird. life is such a mystery...

thank you for your kind words,
twilight