Can't let go

I'm having so much trouble grieving for my mom. I know I have to but I can't just let her go like that. I never let go of anything or anyone that I love as much as I loved her. I'm so afraid I'll lose myself if I let go of her and accept that she's dead. The doctors gave her 2 years...I want those 2 years back! She only lived 2 months! why does it have to be this way? I didn't have enough time with her! I have so many questions for her and so many things I still want her to know. I can't tell her.

See this is why I don't believe in god! He takes everything that I love from me! I am so angry and sad and just miserable! Sorry I mentioned god. I just don't get where I can keep the things I love!

Me and my mom weren't always on good terms and I want to fix that. It took me realizing that my mom was dying to make me forgive her for not believing I was molested by her husband...that took over 10 years! Why did I have to hold such a grudge when I could've been loving her that whole time?

I sympathize with your problem of grieving for your mom. Mine died May 30 and I still have not been able to really grieve for her. I miss her terribly but it is all so complicated since she had schizophrenia from before I was born and was not diagnosed and medicated until I was 12 so my childhood was filled with fear and danger from her. My T went on vacation for two weeks and gave me the assignment to give myself persmission to let go of the control I am always under from myself and to grieve without feeling I am losing control. I have not yet figured out how to do that but I feel that I need to somehow come up with the answer for when he returns. Again, I am so sorry about you mom and the complicated process of grieving for her. My heart goes out to you.

I'm so sorry. My dad died three years ago (I was 14). When I read the bit about you not believing in god part, those words might as well have come out of my mouth! It feels like I never had enough time with my dad...he died very very suddenly. I fought with my dad a lot, too. (((((lexicon)))))

(((lexicon)))
I am sorry for your loss. We all grieve at our own pace in our own way. I hope you can find resolution and peace in time.

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Don't put yourself down for "not forgiving her" earlier. We are human - we cannot predict what will happen next second, especially not next year. Your mother knew you loved her - she still lives on in your heart and in your mind. She will always be with her. She is free - she is released from the prison of a body to be a spirit, free to be. We are the ones left to suffer. Please do not put yourself down - I understand not being able to grieve - I still have not learn how to grieve, either, but I know I loved her and she loved me and that is what counts.

((((((((((((Lexicon))))))))))))

About 3 years ago, I lost one of my best friends to cancer & she was only 46. We both knew that the prognosis was bad, but when they gave her 3 months to live, she only got 3 days. I was the last person to speak with her before she lapsed into a coma. Since then, I've struggled w/the guilt that during that last conversation, she shared concerns about her daughters & husbands futures. I feel now that she was asking me to be a friend and mentor to them & I feel as though I've failed miserably. All of her concerns became reality...2 of 3 daughters in trouble...husband quickly remarrying & now unhappy...just hurt all around. But what I try to remember is that whether we're here on this earth, or have passed on to another life, we're all imperfect. Continue to love your mother and try to concentrate on all of the good and loving times that you shared. The bad doesn't cancel out the good nor does it cancel out the gift of having time together...even if it was too short.
((((((((to you))))))))

hugs to you, lexicon....pat

{{{{{{{{{{Lexi}}}}}}}}}} Do you have a T? Have you thought of seeing a Grief Counselor? The reason I ask is because my own mother's passing threw me into this illness of anxiety/depression. My counselor told me it was because I had/have unresolved issues with my mom. I didn't want to let go of her, either. What I learned is that you don't need to let go. Your mom and my mom know more now than they did when they were on this earth. They understand completely now.

My mom and I never had the knowledge or the opportunity to talk about HER mother molesting me. I know as sure as I'm sitting here typing that my mother would NEVER, NEVER have accepted that truth! Now she knows. She and I can't talk about it, she can't ask my forgiveness, but what I CAN do is forgive her and deal with my own abuse. In my mind, I look up to Heaven or wherever she is and say "See, Mom? I'm trying to fix it. Don't worry about me."

As for God, you better believe that I was angry at Him! At one point, I flat refused to believe that He existed. By working through my issues with my mom, I learned that nothing is a coinsidence. Everything happens for a reason. The trials that are allowed to come into our life make us stronger, more compassionate and better individuals all around. God, in His love, is behind all of it.

It may be too soon for you to accept everything I've said. That's okay. It takes time, sometimes a long time, to come to grips with the issues we have. Give yourself what you wish your mother could give you. Love yourself, be kind to yourself, be patient. You know she'd want that for you if she was here. I'm saying all of this with an understanding, compassionate smile on my face. I understand. I feel what you feel. Peace will come.