[cwiktorski]

Well, my story is one of frustration, I hope that you are in for a decent read, as the story is somewhat long and convoluted.

The last month and a half have been incredibly hard for me. After missing a few doses of my AD medication, I had a really bad couple days, which seems to have been the ramp up period for everything happening in my life. I won't go into detail what I'm feeling, unless someone sees it needed to question what has gone on.

Well, the last month a friend of mine has been trying to get me to call a crisis line. She was worried that I was going to do something stupid, hurt myself, but mostly she wanted me to get better, to be able to enjoy life again. The middle of last month came around and I fell back to do something I hadn't done in over ten years. SI isn't part of my character, or I thought it wasn't anymore, and arguably was a turning point to where she knew something had to happen.

We all have those voices of doubt, frustration, etc in our heads, but when those voices become so overwhelming that they essentially debilitate you, something probably needs to be taken care of. The mere frustration of people around me, annoying, disrespectful, lacking courtesy, I feel so adgitated, irritated, frustrated when I have to deal with them, that voice shouting, yelling to lash out, physically, verbally. That fear of doing that pushing me to do those terrible things to myself once again.

I only cut myself once, a sickening feeling of guilt running through my body after that moment, the voice subsided, though was back the next day, my frustrations with the people around me growing to a breaking point. Every time they would get so bad I would only be able to close my eyes and see myself doing such terrible things to myself, though a better thought than lashing out at others. I felt it didn't matter if I was only hurting myself instead of random people whom I may or may not know.

My friend came out from college to see me this weekend and spent part of the day with me. She never knew how bad these feelings in my head were, though she knew of my SI in the past. I explained all that was going on though, and she was accepting of how bad things were getting for me.

I sat for nearly an hour, her stroking my head, holding my hand, before I had the courage to call the crisis line. It rang for a minute then someone picked up. I didn't know what to say, and it was akward. I could tell they were reading from a manual and it was discouraging. I tried to tell her about what was going on, though she put so much emphasis on the SI, though it was one incident in the last ten years. I tried to tell her about that voice in my head, how overwhelming it was, how debilitating that it was, but it was all but ignored. After finding out that I have insurance, wihch doesn't even cover mental health, she just ended up giving me numbers to call during the week. I needed help then but was shuffled aside.

I wanted to give up right then, admittedly I'm lucky my friend was there. She probably saved me from having another breakdown. The voices are there tonight already, keeping me from sleep, which I guess is why I'm up at 1:30 in the morning. I try to rest and clutch my body, my hands clenching around an imaginary knife and making an attempt to cut across my body. It feels like too much right now.

I feel like the crisis line is not even that. The lack of help, desire to help, do anything at all seems just worthless.

[greenfairy]

i understand your frustration. i dont have much experience with those hotlines, but one time, the first in nearly a decade, i opened up to someone about how i was feeling. i said things i feel but rarely express, that i hate myself, that i want to to end my life, that i cant forgive myself my past. my friends response was laughable. . . "its okay, dont hate yourself, blah blah blah" and the following day i get this call about how i need to get my life together and it was basically see ya have a nice life. my point is that it seems terribly unfair when we do get the strength and courage to speak up, to say hey i'm falling apart and i really need help, that life throws this awful curve ball of emptiness and absence. no ones actually listening. just want you to know that i read your post not once but twice and that i'm listening. i'm sorry, more than you know, that you didnt get the support you were seeking because that isnt right. i'm glad you had someone there for you, and want you to know you have someone here for you now. though i cant be there to hold your hand i can listen and tell you that life is impossibly difficult sometimes but we just have to keep going. i'm proud of you. you had an urge to si and limited it to one instance. see how strong you are? stay safe and remember that you arent alone. i understand what it is to feel like life is impossibly difficult. it gets better by degrees, sometimes small ones that we barely notice. and every day you survive is another victory. ok i havent slept in well over 30 hours so i'm hoping desperately i'm making some small amount of sense here.
hugs and hoping you get through this a stronger and better person.

[(JD)]

I'm sorry about your experience. Unfortunately, crisis lines leave much to be desired. In the past, before I knew I could rely upon my T, I tried using hot lines... and was hung up on a few times!!!!

I helped create and direct a hot line for deaf after that, hopefully emphasizing the caring aspect!

Yes, crisis lines are often manned by volunteers, and interns learning basic psychology. They mean well, imo, but are often too inexperienced to realize they need to listen, first of all.

TC

[kimthecatlover]

I have stopped using crisis hotlines because I have a PACT team I can get in touch with 24/7/365 if I need someone to listen, they are very caring..I have had my problems with crisis hotlines too, the workers at the intervention center laughed about it one time I deliberately OD'd on Mellaril...That was so horrible. And I felt like I was being punished rather than being treated with compassion.

I have always had great outcomes from using crisis centers and hot lines and I have been using them since I was told about them during health class in jr high some 25-30 years ago. The key to them for me is that right when they pick up the phone I tell them exactly what I need from them be it just someone to stay on the line with me or more in depth help with a specific problem. For example one night I called one and said hi I just woke up from a nightmare in a panic attack I need to hear a live persons voice can you stay on the line with me? The person let me know it was a slow night and she would be glad to stay on as long as I needed her. we ended up staying on the phone for 2 hours she was taking calls from the office not in her home so she had access to the agencies courage to heal book and I grabbed mine and we went through a few things in it until her next call came in. Other times I have called in with more detailed problems and they were having a busy night so I had her page the professional on call and that person called me from her home so that they could give me the time I needed. Sometimes Im on the phone with a hotline only a few minutes other times hours. and they have always been receptive and supportive and open with me. Maybe its because I go into my conversations on the phone like I do my therapy with the frame of mind that the process is only as good as what the client puts into it. They may be the trained professionals but they aren't mind readers and they can't tell over the phone what I am feeling by facial expressions and body language so I need to be clear on why I am calling and what I need from them right from the beginning of the conversation in order to get what I need out of the situation.