[cwiktorski]

Well, it's been some time since I have last posted and about a million things have changed again, which, as per usual, is very hard to deal with.

I've been battling with a BPD diagnosis since early this year and ended up running from treatment. Fear, money, among other things ended up putting a strain on my friendships and relationships, ultimately causing the demise of a relationship with the person whom I had every intention in the world of asking to marry me next year.

I didn't know that I was getting worse, the slide seemingly coming so fast this time has caused many other problems. Relapse into depressive thoughts, SI thoughts, very dangerous BPD beheavior as well. I'm at a point where I don't think that I can make it to my visit to my T. (I'm going back the first time since Feb) I've been urged to go back, my now ex, saying that she would only take me back if I went to the doc again, period. It wasn't fair to either of us for the burden to be placed on her shoulders when she is fighting a semi new diagnosis of being BP. Together we are seemingly complete opposites, one only being able to see in black/white, and the other unable to make choices and always second guessing herself.

I got a bit sidetracked there, my apologies, I just want people to know what is going on as a whole. My question being, when do you know that it's time to check yourself into the hospital? I haven't done anything yet, though my symptoms are getting steadily worse over the last month, the last week becoming hard to even be alone. I do have a history of SI, though the last time I lapsed into that was in Feb, and before that it was nearly a decade of freedom from it's grasp.

I want to get better, but fear the stigma of possibly losing my job if I check myself in. I don't know how long a standard time would be, though I suppose I have mentally allotted myself a week for this. Money is obviously a concern, as it would be for anyone really, but if I can make it and not lose my job, I then have my cat to worry about. I don't know anyone that is willing to come and feed him for me.

I just wish someone could help me. My impulsivity for dangerous things has already landed my car in a ditch (and a bit of back/neck pain) and has pushed the love of my life further away from me to where I don't know if she will take me back, even after she said that she would if I just started seeing the doctor again.

My life is a shambles because of this terrible illness and I just can't keep going on like this anymore. I've had to throw away my sleeping medication, lock away all of the knives in the house and put the key in a bowl of water that I put in the freezer, and limited myself in regards to spending money by putting my credit card in the same iceblock.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to go about this?

The basic criteria for being hospitalized in a mental health unit is if the person is a danger to thier self and or others - suicidal, self injury.

Other reasons people have been know to need to be hospitalized is for medication stabilizing, or they are experiencing more then what the person normally experiences and handles on delusions and hallucinations....

There are lots of reasons people sign thierself onto a mental health unit- volluntary commitment. There are lots of reasons why people are signed in without their concent - involluntary commitment.

One thing that happened to me - I signed myself in volluntarily and then after getting on the unit that satus was changed by the staff psychiatrist so that I could not sign myself back out so know that here in the USA just because a person signs thier self in volluntarily it does not necessarily mean that status will remain volluntary and does not nessesarily mean that you can sign yourself back out. Once on the unit you are put through the intake evaluation process and if the staff feels you need to stay there for the 14 days after the 72 hour observational period volluntary status can and does get changed to involluntary status meaning you no longer have control over your treatment plans and when you can leave the facility.

So if you are seriously considering inpatient care consider putting your wishes for treatment and so on in official form. Her its called Declairation for Mental Heath Treatment. These are legal forms that clients fill out and name a representative should they be deemed unable to make their treatment choices. By having a representative if the client is deemed unable to make their treatment decisions (unconscious, not mentally coherent, involluntary commitment and so on) the mental health unit treatment team must honor your wishes by following that treatment plan you set down. If they want to change anything they must obtain your representatives permission (so make sure who you choose as a representative is someone who will honor your wishes and knows what you would not want to happen on the unit). The only other way the mental health unit treatment team can change your treatment planns set down in that form is if they go to court and prove why your treatment plans as laid out in the forms do you harm in your present state of mind.

[EJ711]

Cwit,

Can you just get to a medical doctor, who can prescribe some medications to stabilize your moods? If you didn't have the concern over employment, I would say hospitalize yourself, but I don't want to see you lose your job.

Hugs,

EJ

[cwiktorski]

Firstoff, I have to thank the two of you for replying to this very delicate topic at hand, as it's something that I feel takes a lot of careful consideration into deciding if this is the correct treatment process for me.

I unfortunately have become a danget to myself and the people around me, though 99.9% of the danger is to myself via SI, but escalating to more dangerous beheavior that I feel unable to control. Driving habits, spending habits, among other things have put me in a position where I fear for my financial stability and my ability to live my life, but on a larger level, I fear myself putting my body in harms way to be my "release" from all of this. The justification there is absurd, though my mind thinks that it's completely validated. Part of my mind at least.

I want to make sure that if I'm going to go to the hospital, that it's on my terms, as I need to take the time to find soeone to tend to my cat, arrange time at work, etc. If it weren't a worry and I could just go and stay for as long as I needed, then I would do that, but unfortunately I have to try to work a hospital stay around my work schedule, as odd as that may sound.

As to the other question, if I could just see my primary healthcare provider, it's two-fold. He's been my care provider for over 20 years now. That is a double bladed sword, as he knows what has happened in the past to a degree, but in the same regard, he expects things of me that are unattainable in my current state. I have a back condition due to meningitis and every time I've complained that my cark has been killing me, he tries to get me to do exercises and tells me that is all that needs to be done. Well, I've tried them, I exercise regularly, and it is still damaged. It's things like this that make it hard to see him, as he has this mental image of what I "should" be, and then it feels like he doesn't listen. It's why I like my T. He's opened my eyes to broader horizons since he specializes in that field. I suppose I say I can't go because I'm scared of that doctor. I need to change primary caregivers, but I just don't have it in me right now to go through that process.

I took myself off a medication, which I know is a terrible idea to do, and what has probably caused a lot of the relapse into my current position, and I wanted to know if it would be a good (or bad) idea to go back on the medication prescribed for me previously. It really wasn't that bad, Abilify and Effexor, though I would have to go about paying for them out of pocket again. I have a couple weeks supply of the Abilify, which was supposed to be the more important of the two, focusing more on the effects of my BPD, though I could pay for a half of a refil of the Effexor and go back on that as well. I know this probably isn't the place to ask, but I would say that I'm in a pretty desperate place and am willing to listen to anyone who could possibly help out. I'm wanting to take them, but I don't know if my T would be upset at me, more so than he will for my going off them in the first place. I'm just scared of his reaction, but I promised that I would go see him again. I am going, and I'm going to get better. I want to get better.