[theotterone]

My youngest daughter (Crash) is absolutely unmanageable today! Her sister got to go spend the night with their cousin (who is almost a year younger than our oldest). Because of the age differences, Crash is staying home. Personally, I don't think it's fair, but it wasn't my call. I don't think we can have Bug go without Crash anymore, but I worry how Crash would behave being the "third wheel" or "odd man out". She is being evaluated on Oct 6, and of the two girls I think she is the one who will need medication, but I am not the doctor either. And it's not that I am going "right to meds" with her, but even if I can get her calmed down, her dad is already mad and tends to stir the pot and get her upset again...I just can't seem to keep the peace here. I understand that her refusing to do as asked and throwing a tantrum (with the crying and screaming) upsets HIM, but what the heck? I am just at a loss of what to do? Home is always great tension!

[lynn P.]

I have 2 girls 7and 11. I would imagine she's really feeling left out and mad. My 7 yr old gets very angry when my oldest chooses to go off on her own with a friend.

Next time when your daughter's not included explain to her that you and she will do something special together - one on one time. I don't know if it's to late to try this now. Maybe go to the park together, movies(if not too expensive), make some cookies or go to the dollar store and do a craft project. The whole idea is you want to take the focus off her feeling left out and re-focus, that this is an opportunity for quality mother/daughter time. My youngest sometimes feels she's getting the short end fot he stick because the older one gets to do more things. I know parenting can be very frustrating sometimes but in the end it's all worth it. Try to think how she feels. I hope this helps.

[theotterone]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

I have 2 girls 7and 11. I would imagine she's really feeling left out and mad. My 7 yr old gets very angry when my oldest chooses to go off on her own with a friend.

Next time when your daughter's not included explain to her that you and she will do something special together - one on one time. I don't know if it's to late to try this now. Maybe go to the park together, movies(if not too expensive), make some cookies or go to the dollar store and do a craft project. The whole idea is you want to take the focus off her feeling left out and re-focus, that this is an opportunity for quality mother/daughter time. My youngest sometimes feels she's getting the short end fot he stick because the older one gets to do more things. I know parenting can be very frustrating sometimes but in the end it's all worth it. Try to think how she feels. I hope this helps.

I TOTALLY get how she is feeling about this. It's been an issue in my husband's family with the ages of the cousins. It's a bit easier on my side since my nephews are 7, 4 & 3. She has calmed down, but Crash has a hard time doing anything we ask! No matter what is going on...

[gimmeice]

((((((((((( theotterone ))))))))))))))

One thing that really stood out to me is that you said you cant have bug go without crash anymore. I understand that crash feels left out but she will have to learn that she cant go everywhere with bug, that would be unfair to bug.
When one of my kids is feeling left out because someone else gets to go somewhere that they dont I try to do special things with them like lynn suggested.

[darylb41]

One thing that really stood out to me is that you said you cant have bug go without crash anymore. I understand that crash feels left out but she will have to learn that she cant go everywhere with bug, that would be unfair to bug.

so true

Just as bug should learn to accept her sister so should crash learn that she cant always tag alone It really does work both ways

[theotterone]

I didn't even THINK that this could be a really good lesson opportunity for her! Thank you!

[AAAAA]

I couldn't agree with daryl more. My youngest are twins (now 16) and for the longest time people thought that they had to treat them like a package deal. I think limiting Bug to do things that only Crash can be included in will cause resentment by Bug and a sense of entitlement by Crash. Children are very clever beings, they pick up on the sub-text very quickly.

I hope her father gets on board with the program very quickly. As long as Crash sees that her tantrums are doing what she intended they will remain a very effective tool for her. As long as they're effective, she'll continue to use them.

My eldest has/had a very severe case of ADHD, this is not an excuse for bad behavior, medication will not solve that issue. Medication will simply give her a few seconds to decide IF she wants to act that way. Watch a few episodes of Supernanny, it really is as simple as changing YOUR behavior. Don't get me wrong, changing your response is difficult, and she'll continue the behavior until she realizes that you (and hubby) will not respond to it anymore.

[theotterone]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

I couldn't agree with daryl more. My youngest are twins (now 16) and for the longest time people thought that they had to treat them like a package deal. I think limiting Bug to do things that only Crash can be included in will cause resentment by Bug and a sense of entitlement by Crash. Children are very clever beings, they pick up on the sub-text very quickly.

I hope her father gets on board with the program very quickly. As long as Crash sees that her tantrums are doing what she intended they will remain a very effective tool for her. As long as they're effective, she'll continue to use them.

My eldest has/had a very severe case of ADHD, this is not an excuse for bad behavior, medication will not solve that issue. Medication will simply give her a few seconds to decide IF she wants to act that way. Watch a few episodes of Supernanny, it really is as simple as changing YOUR behavior. Don't get me wrong, changing your response is difficult, and she'll continue the behavior until she realizes that you (and hubby) will not respond to it anymore.

Thank you all for giving me a much needed change in perspective!

Crash is being evaluated on the 6th. I have to remember not to put my feelings on her. It took her and D 3 months after she was born to bond (and before you say it, yes, I understand it can take longer for fathers since we women tend to bond with our children while we carry them).

I am still coming to terms with my own ADHD diagnosis, and the things I am learning help. So are the therapy sessions. Our whole family dynamic is changing, it's scary and I have to look at things I have been avoiding for years. My girls are good girls with big hearts! I love them both dearly and it is hard to see them dissapointed. But they won't learn to deal with the harder emotions if they don't experience them. I just want them to grow up healthy and happy, with better coping skills then D and I have.

Thank you for letting me know it is ok that I am not perfect. Sometimes I get into this "I need to be perfect" thinking without realizing it! I am lucky to have PC for support!

[mum2four]

Originally Posted by theotterone

My youngest daughter (Crash) is absolutely unmanageable today! Her sister got to go spend the night with their cousin (who is almost a year younger than our oldest). Because of the age differences, Crash is staying home. Personally, I don't think it's fair, but it wasn't my call. I don't think we can have Bug go without Crash anymore, but I worry how Crash would behave being the "third wheel" or "odd man out". She is being evaluated on Oct 6, and of the two girls I think she is the one who will need medication, but I am not the doctor either. And it's not that I am going "right to meds" with her, but even if I can get her calmed down, her dad is already mad and tends to stir the pot and get her upset again...I just can't seem to keep the peace here. I understand that her refusing to do as asked and throwing a tantrum (with the crying and screaming) upsets HIM, but what the heck? I am just at a loss of what to do? Home is always great tension!

I have a now 10 year daughter who had had serious anger issues since she was 1y. From birth to 5 she would not let people hug her with out attacing them I could not bath her or brush her hair or feed her or dress her with getting a new bruise or scratch or injury of some kind. Once she started school and we took agreesive steps to reinforce good behaviour as postive behaviour she started to let people hug her but it had to bear hugs strong tight hugs or shed become aggressive. She was put on medication around begining of 2008 we had tryed getting Dr's to help her and us since she was baby but kept getting told she grow out of it. She a phycoogist for 2 years before being put on med's by a phychiatrist. I'm glad the meds have clamed her down but she still a chanlaging child and I wish I could have gotten a breakthrew with out resorting to med's and I hope to give her the tools to cope with life with out meds in the future. Shes back seeing a phycologist who uses play therapy. My daughter does not even let you reward her for good behaviour she sabortage her reward time and or her reward or just literally throws it back at you. The only thing that has any calming effect has been pooh bear item's.
I know what its like to have a resistant child and if your told she see needs medication I do think some children's brains are just so hyped up or full or anxiety or thoughts that thay need the medication to bring there brain back to normal so the information we are trying to teach them sinks in. try throwing a ball threw a fast spining wind mill it's likly to bouch off but slow the wind mill down and its likly to do what you want. I was 100% against medication till my daughter started smashing windows with bear feet and pulling her own hair causeing her to get bald spots. I still wish I could take her off the medication but it would like punishing her. She doing so much better if she never learnt that she could be good we'd still have physical violance happening every day she way to strong for me these days.
As a parent you know your child the best dont let anyone convince you otherwise.

[Ra-Hoor-Kuit]

I'm sorry but putting kids that young on drugs is wrong. Maybe I haven't seen enough yet but I have yet to see a child that is uncontrollable for no reason.

Sure teach them that they can run to drugs to save them...just ask all the meth addicts that started on Ritalin.

And then turn around and tell them that drugs are bad and they shouldn't use them to deal with their problems what wonderful confusion for a child.

[AAAAA]

Ra - I once shared your opinion. I thought putting children on medication at that age was lazy, irresponsible, and dangerous.

As I said many times, I went to a specialist; actually it was a husband and wife team. He was an MD, she had many degrees, MD, psych, specifically child behavior and something to do with disabilities. The documentation we had to submit to get an appointment was mind boggling. The initial consultation was a five day process that was a 6 hours 3 of the five, 4 hours the other 2. When the diet therapy did not work, we tried a variety of other things. I WAS NOT going to medicate my six year old child. (He is 23 and is not nor has ever been a discipline problem).

The female Dr. Z and I got into a heated discussion (she was very rational, I was not) about this. She pointed out all of the hoops I had to jump through to get my son into their program, all of the things that we'd tried over the previous year in an effort to make his life easier for him (He was also dealing with learning disabilities). She pointed out that less than 30% of the children in their program required medication, they felt he was one of those 30%. I eventually agreed to medicate him only on school days.

The difference was night and day. Homework that previously took hours with him dilligently working took less than an hour. He was MUCH less frustrated and overwhelmed. So while I respect the fact you are entitled to your opinion, it is my opinion that withholding that medication and making my child's life more difficult is more wrong. Any medication has the potential to be abused.

Originally Posted by Ra-Hoor-Kuit

I'm sorry but putting kids that young on drugs is wrong. Maybe I haven't seen enough yet but I have yet to see a child that is uncontrollable for no reason.

Sure teach them that they can run to drugs to save them...just ask all the meth addicts that started on Ritalin.

And then turn around and tell them that drugs are bad and they shouldn't use them to deal with their problems what wonderful confusion for a child.

I totally disagree with you. You are very misinformed.

My son was diagnosed with adhd at the age of 6. He wasn't a behavior problem. He's never been a behavior problem. But he completely lacks the ability to tune out distractions and focus. He paces back and forth like a caged animal without medication. We have had him on adhd meds since about the age of 7. With the meds, he is able to tune in what is going on around him. He doesn't feel like he is crawling out of his skin. He's now 14 and the meds have really helped control those adhd symptoms. Not providing medication that has improved the quality of his life would be negligent.

[Ra-Hoor-Kuit]

@AAAA
I used to write powerfully insightful work when I was taking meth but that didn't make it good for me. Everything comes with a price especially when it comes to introducing powerful chemicals into your body. I'm not questioning your judgment because I am not in your situation but I feel my side needs to be considered.

@farmergirl
That kid you describe that was me. I was the kid that would throw his desk across the room as school because I was bored. I seethed and raged with a personal energy that sometimes consumed me. What I learned though was that I possessed a certain genius and that my mind simply worked differently than everyone else and when I learned to understand myself I have been able to use that to my advantage. I was told that I would need to be on medication the rest of my life to be able to have any life. I got custody of my daughter, finished college and became successful without drugs.