ODD and 6-years-old

My 6-year-old has ODD...Oppositional Defiant Disorder. She responds to punishment by becoming enraged. I have taken her to a psychologist and we worked for a year with amazing results. I have switched tactics and now accentuate the positive instead of punishing the negative. For example, when she has a "green" day at school...meaning good behavior...she gets a marble in a jar. When she has a "yellow" day, some problem like talking too much, etc., she does not get any marbles. And when she has a "orange" or "red" day, she gets marbles removed. She puts the marbles in herself, and at the end of the month, she gets a dollar for each marble to spend wherever she wants. This focus on "green" days has helped tremendously. Her Dad and I have separate household, and he punishes her for yellow days. I have some trouble being consistent at home with routines, so I try to remove myself from the equation by using a timer, etc., for tasks, like piano practice and homework.
But some days I feel overwhelmed by my depression...I have Bipolar II...and just can't seem to muster the strength to be consistent. I worry that my behavior will only worsen her ODD. I don't have much community support...most of the mothers I know don't have behavior problems with their children. My daughter just doesn't get the satisfaction with little events that others do. For example, her piano teacher told her she would get a 'sticker' if she did well. My daughter was like, "What? A sticker?" I worry that "rewarding" her for expected behavior will only cause her to expect more and more rewards for behavior that should just be accepted as normal. Her psychologist reassured me and told me my daughter will eventually get in the habit of being good, and the need for rewards will diminish. But I haven't seen this yet. Any help?

I'm sorry you're dealing with such a tough situation. I don't really have any advice because I have no experience with ODD. I know that my T has been teaching me how to use natural consequences with my toddler and how I can continue to adjust it as he ages. It's all about removing myself from the equation, he makes his choices and therefore he chooses his consequences. For example, he isn't allowed in the kitchen, so if he decides to throw a toy in there, he loses the toy for the day. I didn't punish him, he made that choice himself and therefore gave himself the consequence.

I don't know if that would work with ODD but it seems like a useful tool. I have BP II also so I understand what you mean about feeling overwhelmed with the depression. It's that much harder to deal with things when your mental health gets in the way.

I think the marble idea is a great idea. I don't believe in punishing children -the most I've done is take away privileges. When my kids were younger and they were having a tantrum, I would wait for them to calm down and then we would discuss the behavior. Getting angry and negative punishment doesn't teach them how to handle themselves. If it was in a store I would remove them from the store.

Its natural for kids to misbehave and they need to learn how to control their emotions - they're not born knowing how to manage their feelings and its seems like you understand this. You sound like a good parent who's trying hard. Here's a few links:

http://www.amazon.ca/Kazdin-Method-P.../dp/0618773673

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/opp...sorder/DS00630

I am probably completely ignorant of this whole thing but, to me, she just sounds like a 6 year old? Like you were saying, consistent parenting can have that same effect on any child, whether diagnosed or not. I don't know that I have ever seen a 6 year old not scream or hit their parents at least a few times (swing at, not outwardly violent or dangerous). Maybe I am missing part of your post?

I think that putting a label on children takes away from a true childhood. To me, it sounds like she just needs a different parenting style which doesn't mean (to me) that there is anything wrong with her. I do like your marble idea. I don't like rewarding kids for behavior that should be expected of everyone. That's why I don't really understand the whole graduation from every other grade thing. I graduated twice. High school and college. Now kids have a special ceremony for wiping their @$$ correctly so I am in total agreement with you there.

I am glad that these tactics have helped you so far and I'm sorry you are worried about your disorder affecting your daughter. My only advice is to not look at your daughter as an acronym but as a daughter who just needs a little special attention. I am probably biased bc growing up everyone tried to diagnose me as ADD and tried shoving Ritalin down my throat. Nobody ever stopped to ask me why I was acting out or stopped to think that maybe I needed some counseling (my parents were going through a divorce).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, age 6 (from my experience) is when kids really start to want their own stuff. They want to be able to do things. They want their own things to be proud of. And they are getting old enough to recognize these opportunities. All I really wanted was for my parents to show me a little specialized attention or simply talk with me about what was going on instead of fighting with each other and it ended up having me be spied on in class by psychologists etc...

I hope the progress continues and you get the support you need.

Excellent post salukigirl.

Thank you all for your words of wisdom. Last Tuesday we had an amazing night of harmony. No fussing, no frustration. I let her know exactly what I expected in a calm and collected voice and she complied without a peep. She reminded me about the marbles and I negotiated her homework/piano practice with her...after a bath right after a dinner, rather than right after dinner. I think it gave her a little bit of a sense of control to ask for homework/piano after her bath. On the way home from school, I asked her which she preferred...doing homework right after school or after dinner. She was thoughtful for a moment, then said, "after dinner". Another kudo for sense of control. I have witnessed her after school and thought she needed some downtime and exercise so I was pleased she found our pattern acceptable. I reminded her she could make homework/piano take all night or a few minutes...it was her choice. Another control moment for her. It all added up to a very pleasant evening.

Wonderful! I'm so glad! She sounds like a bright little girl! I hope this trend continues!

I wish more parents were as intuitive as you are. Sounds like she is a smart 6 year old. I am with you salukigirl I hate labels! Let kids be kids just let them know there are limits. I too like the marble idea, I will use it when the time comes with my 2 year old granddaughter. Thanks and keep up the good work!