son wants to leave home - not sure if he is ready

My son is 22 y/o and wants to move from the home we share in WV to Mass where he has a few friends. One of his friends told him he could stay with her and her mother until he finds a job/apartment. I understand wanting to leave home and be independent but I don't know how my son will function in a new place. He never graduated high school; his hs gpa is ~1.2 and he failed more classes than he passed. He is bright but has a learning disability as well as ADHD and bipolar. He does not have a GED, no driver's license, never even got his learner's permit.

He is gifted in math and did well in computer assisted drafting and completed 3 of four semesters. I wanted him to finish the program locally which would take one year and gave him telephone numbers and the url about the program but he did not call and does not want to be here long enough to complete the program. There is a program in the city in Mass where he would like to live so I called and asked for a college catalog and gave it to him but he has not pursued that either.

He says he just wants to pack up and leave and look for a job when he gets there. I suggested he contact a couple of the high school teachers that he liked for references but he said they would probably say he had bad attendance (which he did) but he has no other ideas for references. He will have to find someone in Mass to prescribe his meds and he has no idea who that might be.

When we filmed with TLC last year we got a check for $3500 that we put in a joint account. I spent $1100 on property taxes and he has spent ~$2000 on video games and a PS3. I had hoped to buy a used car for him with the money but there isn't much money left. I am still on disability and will not be able to send him any money. I am in a nurse refresher course that may take about six months to complete and when I can return to work I could send him a bit of money but nothing soon.

My son said he would like to get a job here but we are not on the bus line and I am not reliable transportation (there were times I was too tired to drive him to school).

Our house is not at the level of squalor that it was before we filmed with TLC last year but it is getting bad, particularly the kitchen. And the bathroom is bad because I have kittens there and they are learning to use a litter box but there mom did not and we have to put shoes on to even walk to the toilet. All the rugs and towels on the floor will be thrown away they are so bad. I need to relocate the kittens but must clean an area in the living room so I can block off part of the room for them.

Because of the condition of the house my son cannot have friends over. I feel like a bad mom and struggle to do better. I will worry every day if he is okay if he leaves but I know I can't keep him here.

Any words of wisdom?

I wish your son would finish his degree. I wish he would get his GRE. I wish he would try to have aspirations.

By going to mass he seems to just be drifting. He wants something new but when he gets there, there he is again. He's the "issue" in his life.

You probably can't force him to do anything, just keep encouraging him and telling him that you want him to finish what he started so he can feel good about himself and have a higher quality of life.

Oh and refocus yourself to organizing. heh.

If he is looking to go anywhere around Boston let him know that the cost of living there is very high. It isn't as bad in western MA. I hope it goes well for him, no matter what he chooses.

It's about an hour west of Boston.

Wow. That really is a toughy. The worry I have with not allowing a 22 yr old man to do something is that he may lash out and run away or start acting out towards you. Maybe he needs to fall on his butt? I had to leave the house and put myself in some pretty crappy situations before fully understanding my mom's thoughts and appreciating all she did for me.

I am the tough love type. So my feeling is, you have to let your kids fall. You might be surprised by how he does. But you (or him) will never know unless he tries? I know you just want to protect him but, you won't be there for him forever and he eventually has to learn how to deal with his issues and disabilities on his own. So whether he succeeds at what he says he will, he has to learn this now. Sounds like maybe he is tired of being dependent - whether that is from ADHD or whatever - everyone needs their own space and to feel like they have control over their life.

My parents attempted to keep me at home so, instead, when my roommates and I had a falling out, I lived in my car instead of asking for their help. I don't want that to happen to you. Try to participate in active listening with him and maybe he will open up about some worries or thoughts he is having about this experience?

Bottom line - let him know (verbally) that you love him no matter what and will be there for him if this doesn't work out but that you are proud of him for wanting his independence.

And you should NEVER feel bad for raising a child that wants to take care of himself! Many guys and girls would be perfectly happy mooching off their mother and not having to work. Your son WANTS to work! He WANTS to accomplish things! That speaks volumes as to the kind of mother you are. No matter how the situation turns out, you are a good mom!!!!

I suggested to my son that he contact some of his teachers and ask if they would give references but he went on a rant about how bad the school system was and how teachers are leaving and on and on. I try to help him prepare but he doesn't listen to me. We have a meeting scheduled next week for family therapy. My son didn't plan his sleep schedule around our last appt and then said he was too tired to go so I went by myself and got to tell the therapist about some of my son's problems that he was not aware of. I am hoping that my son will be more open to suggestions from the therapist than he is from me.

I want my son to be self reliant but sometimes I don't think he does a good job taking care of himself. For example we set up the joint checking acct and when I log in I can see both my acct and our joint acct and I mentioned to him how little money he had left after buying nearly $2000 of games this year. He said he was unable to log in because he forgot his password/ID. The logical thing to do would have been to ask for help from the bank to reset his password but he didn't ask for help for whatever reason.

I know you have to let kids go at some point and let them make their own mistakes. I dropped out of college because I had no direction and worked at McDonalds for several years and that was my wakeup call that I wanted a career that used my brain, not stay at McDonalds forever. It frustrates me that if my son would just finish the CAD program he could get an entry level job making $12 per hour but he doesn't care.

What is a mom to do?

I honestly don't know. I wish I did. This is just one of many times you have to trust either him or your gut. I can't say I understand because I really don't. I hope that whatever you and him decide on, you don't doubt yourself as a mom. You don't deserve to beat yourself up like that.

It isn't what I want but all I can do is suggest that he get his GED, references, finish CAD, etc. He is an adult and free to make his own decisions, for better or worse. I told him if it doesn't work out the way he wants when he gets there he can always come home. Whether he will sink or swim it will hopefully be a learning experience for him.

It's hard I know I had to do it with my two.....you must do it though believe me he will be back! It is so hard to let the birds out of the nest but they must learn to fly at some time! I always think of that Steve Miller song....Fly like an eagle till I'm free! Fly like an eagle let my spirit carry me!

I think what your son is doing is impulsive but i don't think you can really stop him.

maybe once he gets a job an dtries to be independent he will be more grown up that way.

Sometimes you just have to go out in the world for a wake up call. I know I had to fall down a few times before I could make better choices and take better care of myself. Years ago when my bf finished high school and left for California, he regrets his descision sometimes to forgo college all those years ago, and he has struggled some, but now going on 30 he is considering going to technical school once I get my bacholers and he has a stable job, he regrets not going to college, but he believes that if he had never left home like he did he wouldn't be the person he was or ever have learned what he wanted or needed to do for himself. I can only imagine how hard this is for you Yoda, but maybe letting him try out on his own will give him the wake up call he needs and give him the direction he is lacking. I am keeping you and your son in my thoughts.

Being a parent is depressing me.

It could also be that I am off some of my meds. I am in the donut hole with medicare and they no longer are paying for my prescriptions and my selegiline is over $100 so I couldn't afford it. I was going to ask for half the Rx but tomorrow my electric is due or they will cut it off. I am wanting to go back to work part time but I have to complete a refresher course which costs about $100 per day and will total about $2000 and I don't have the money for my normal expenses let alone taking on that.

But about the parenting stuff....

My son has decided that he might move in with a friend who lives just a few miles from me. He says he will get a job where his friend works (retail) and his friend can drive him to work. He has never applied for a job before and I think he underestimates how hard it is to find work. His other plan is to get a job locally and ride a bike to and from work. First off this is a rural area and we have two grocers, three fast food places and a Kmart and that is about it. I have never seen a bike rack to lock a bike anywhere in the area so I don't know what he thinks he will do. And he seems to think that drivers will watch out for him. I was a paramedic. Drivers don't even watch out for themselves. I have a terrible fear that he will be killed or crippled on his bike. In Jan we put our check from filming with TLC in a joint account. It was only $3500 and I spent $1000 on property taxes and he has spent nearly $2000 on video games. I had intended to save that money and add to it to buy him a used car. Now I am angry at him for being irresponsible with the money and I don't see why I should bust my ***** working hard to save money for his car when he doesn't care if he gets a car. But he is delusional and thinks a bike will be a good solution. When I lived in town years ago I rode a bike to work about a mile when I didn't have a car. I learned that bikes and snow are a bad combination and ended up walking in the winter until I got a car. But he will be travelling more than a mile.

I am mad, I am worried and I am sick of him making poor decisions. What as a parent should I do?

i think you really need to let him go without too much fuss hon. he has to learn things on his own. you have done your job as a mother. at 22 and never having applied for a job is showing his dependence on you. I have a cousin that basically crippled her son by doing everything for him. let him grow up and he will be a better man for it. don't beat yourself up hon.