Parenting fears and fantasies

Just thinking about things again…

I first wanted children when I was around 13 or 14, so I’ve had a long time to think about this, and there have been times when the thought of my children is the only thing I’ve been able to stick around for.

Especially if any of you had mental illnesses prior to becoming parents, did you fear what kind of parent you would be? Did you question whether or not you’d be able to tolerate or care for a child?

One of my fears is turning into my mother. She started off wanting children and was attentive until I hit double figures and then she became emotionally neglectful. This has commonly been selected as the trigger for my mental illness and the continuing poor relationship and negative atmosphere with her is a major reason for my continuing issues. I really don’t want to stop loving my own children.

What were your fantasies for your future family? Did you ever have a clear picture of what you wanted or was it just a general “I want children and will take it as it comes”? If you did have a strong idea of your “ideal family”, how did reality pan out for you? Are you happy with what you got?

One thing that truly sucks is that I can only have children by adoption. As I will be a single parent, the odds are any children offered to me will be a) older, b) abused c) “undesirables” i.e. not easily adopted for reasons of medical issues and suchlike. C doesn't necessarily bother me, it would be on an individual basis and I wouldn't necessarily know what to do with B, but at least that might be something that can be overcome and live happily ever after.

One of my more petty concerns is that I have in my head all my children’s names and if I got an older child you can’t really rename them. Yeah, I just said that and it sounds pathetic because I feel like I shouldn’t be saying that like I should be so desperate for a child it shouldn’t matter, and I know that in the end a name is just a random word, but it actually does bother me somewhat because I’ve known what their names should be… and as I say, often the thought of these children has been the only thing to live for.

A bigger concern is that I’ve always pictured a large family. I’m aware that is a naïve fantasy created by someone who has never had children and on a practical note, if I’m approved at all (which I don’t suppose I will be) I am likely not to have more than one or two children. That actually makes me pretty sad because I love the idea of actually having five but of course a single parent in this expensive world… not practical… and having dreamed about them for years… which child do you pick to become real and which ones not?

I probably sound quite ridiculous to you all…

In any case I’m not in any position to have children at the moment nor may I ever be, but I guess I’m groping for some ease of mind since this is still the only life event I’m here for and if I lose this one… I have nothing.

Hi Pandoren-

I just wanted to tell you that I do understand where you are at. My dream has always been to have a few children of my own, and adopt/foster a few..after having two miscarriages last year, and the current court struggle we are in for my pre-adoptive son, I am thinking I would be happy with just him! Something that helps me, and might help you, is to think about all the things that you can do with your "new reality"..for instance, if we only have one, we can more easily spend time with our friends..afford to take him more places where, if we had several, we would need to leave them at home..etc. Yeah, they are negatives too, but focusing on the positives might help you shape a new dream.

By the way, my 7 year old pre-adoptive son fits A, B, and C of your criteria..and I wouldn't have it any other way :-)

Do you mind if I ask about the adoption process and what's been going wrong, etc?

~ Edit, I read your other thread, I hope that all resolves soon

Thanks, we hope so too! We have court next Thursday. As I've been looking into it, though..there are so many things that can go wrong, and the courts and social services are all really working against adoption..no wonder so many kids are floundering :-(

Have you been able to find anything to "ease your mind?"

I think they are trying to update and reassess the process in the UK at the moment to make it easier, but I'm aware it can take years still and most people don't get a foot in the door.

As an interesting thing though, I saw a large advert in our local newspaper for LGBT adoption and foster week by our local adoption and foster services so looks like they are quite open minded and trying to get the ball rolling for some people.

I guess, thinking about it, I might be able to cope with having the first two children, although I wonder if I might always pine for the three that never were (strange to think that they actually will exist, just they'll be someone else's children...) but I guess that there are many years to work up to this, if it ever comes at all. I need a job and a house first

Well, I know I want kids someday...certainly not now. lol I'm only 18. I can't financially provide for a family now by any means.

But I guess my ideal family is the woman I can truly call my soulmate...definitely kids, maybe one boy and one girl (though I'd be happy with either, but that odd overactive paternal part of me is rooting for little girl ). My family will want for nothing, ever. I will be there for my children, something my own father never was (or rarely, at any rate). I want my family to be as happy as I can possibly make them...a wife who's proud to call me her husband (and vice versa, of course ) and kids who'll be proud of me as their father (lol I want my son to be able to say "My dad can beat up your dad!" and mean it! ). I want to be able to do things for my family...vacations, random little fun things, stuff like that. I want to have enough financial security in whatever I end up doing (right now looking to be an attorney) that my family is comfortable, secure, and happy.

lol That's my little maxim, I suppose. My perfect portrait of my future. I've got college and a Juris Doctor to take care of before I start trying to paint it though, so no rush.

By the way, I hope things go well in court Ds. Mommy. I'll say a prayer for you.

Hello Pandoren, I wish to offer another... perspective? I have loved my children madly since the beginning. I am ashamed to say that there was one point in my life where my depression was stronger even than the love I have for my children. In fact that love for them played into my depression. As in they would be better off without me.

------------Trigger Warning------------

In that dark time there was no logic. I have seen the damage that has been caused by suicide, and yet in that dark time I was convinced that it would just be better for my children and everyone involved if I just wasn't here. I was SO angry when my husband realized how very depressed I was and called emergency services. I was waiting for him to go to work and I was going to kill myself that day. To this day I do not know what it was that clued him in. It was "a feeling" he had. I had a plan, and I thought I was being careful. Even a little cheery that day. In any event somehow he knew and made a very difficult phone call.

I am so grateful now for his insight. And now if I am even skirting the edge of that dark zone I run to the doctor because that experience.

I do not recall what my ideas of what I wanted from a family were when I was young. Each has been replaced by the perfection that is each of my children, including my foster children. I do recall being fearful when I was expecting my second child. I loved my first child so much I could not imagine being able to love anyone else that much. Or would my first (male) loose some of my love because my second was a girl? When I held her before her umbilical cord was even cut, I loved her just as much. And a few minutes later when my son crawled up onto my hospital bed as I was snuggling my newborn, I felt complete. I did not remember a time without either of them. Then I went and threw two more into the mix :-) and then a couple of "strays". I mean no disrespect when I say strays. They were just kids with a bad home environment that stayed to spend the night and never left.

A couple of months ago, my foster daughter and I were trying to determine exactly when she moved in. She remembered it being in the third grade. I knew she was here most of the time and included in all of the family activities (vacations etc) but I did not recall her actually "moving" until she was in Jr. High. I was suprised to discover that her father actually moved out of this area for a couple of years when she was in elementary school. My only contact with him was to get him to sign a release so that I we could seek medical care for her.

My opinion is that adoption is no different from giving birth. You get what you get and you LOVE it. Your heart claims that child.

So I guess what I'm telling you is that your mind may be filled with dreams of these unknown children that you have already named but when the time comes the slate will be wiped clean and you will have the child/(ren) you were meant to have.

Let me tell you a funny story about children's names. None of my children have the names that I always thought I would name my kids. I was POSITIVE my oldest was a girl, so I only had girl names picked out. I made dolls and girl clothes. I was SO sure that I said my husband could name the baby if he was a boy. He had two names picked out. Jack Daniel (alcohol) and Richard Thomas (after our fathers). I HATED them both. I cannot tell you how much I hated the name Richard! Our oldest came early so he could not be there for his birth. So I decided I would let him pick the name, hoping that he would change his mind. I did absolutely veto Jack Daniel, so Richard it was. I did have the caveat that if anyone ever called him **** I would punch my husband in the face.

With our second I had an ultra sound and knew I was having a girl. As my due date approached and my family asked what name I had picked out. My first choice was my Great-grandmother's name. She put the kibosh to that. She apparently hated her name and said she would never speak to me again if I "saddled her with that!" My second choice was the name I'd always choosen when I played house. The name I'd given my dolls. Apparently I had had a "crazy" Aunt by that name (who btw died before I was even born) so that name was out. Hubby ended up naming her as well.

With my twins, all throughout my pregnancy baby B was supposed to be a girl. I had names picked out and this time by God I was going to name my own children! Well, God has a sense of humor and Baby B was a boy! So Baby A was given the name I'd picked out but I had no clue what to name baby B. It was a rough delivery and I had a C-section for the first time so I was wiped out. The nurses were becoming very annoyed that Baby B had no official name. I just called him (and still do to this day) Peanut because he was the runt. I was leaving the next day, and one particular nurse was really nagging me. You have to name this baby, you have to name this baby! The TV was on, although the volume was off, some show had just ended. Baby A was named Matthew Mark after his uncle. The name Andrew appeared on the screen on the credits. They had been born on my grandfather's birthday so baby B had a name! This did not please the nagging nurse, as she felt Baby A should be Andrew. And now that I think about it, it was my husband that pointed out that Peanut's middle name should be that of my grandfather's (it was also his grandfather's name)! So my husband named 3 out of four of our children!!!!

We cannot really turn into our parent; only into our own imagined image of our parent. Yes, we learn good/bad behaviors from our parents about all subjects as we are growing up, even about being a parent. But behaviors are just behaviors; they're not "us"/who we are and they can be changed if we want.

I did not have children, a minor part of that being because my stepmother was an angry parent and I turned into an angry young adult and was afraid I'd be an abusive parent. But I resolved most of my anger in therapy and am doing fine learning to be a good grandparent to my stepson's children.

Alright Perna, I'll rephrase that comment even though I reckon you know what I meant. I have the same mental illness as my mother. I have the fear of history repeating itself. It isn't an irrational fear- it is a real possibility. Perhaps it won't happen, but perhaps it will, and it is one of those things that you won't know until it happens.

Thanks for your long post, AAAAA. I'm sure things will all work out if it happens, but I've got a lot of time to mull it over before then! That's one of the few things I like about being a single parent in the future- my own control and no partner interfering! lol

I commented to my aunt (who is now 91) that she snored like her mother, my grandmother, and she, hating her mother, instantly reacted that she would have to change that. What we like/don't like and how we feel about our mothers is mostly in our heads? That she has the same mental illness does not mean your actions will automatically become the same, there is no predestination to become "like" another, some genes for literal attributes (my husband and I are both good navigators, for example, as our fathers were; I have no trouble with directions, maps, getting lost, etc.); I like history an my father and grandmother's aunt did too; she was the first women history professor in the US. I'm "too" honest (have trouble lying and being believed) and my ancestors in all directions back 150+ years are lawyers, justices of the peace, Methodist ministers, sheriffs of the county, supreme court justices, etc. My stepmother use to threaten me with "The Truth if it kills you!" (and she would have :-) and I was in my late 20's when I learned from her that she actually got that phrase from my father's mother whose father was county sheriff and I found his 1940 obituary notice and it praised his honesty; gee, wonder where I got that attribute? :-)

People are made up of all sorts of attributes though, good and bad and how they are applied or if they are chosen to be applied depends on the individual. Unlike other animals we don't have to do things by instinct/rote, we can overrule our head (or heart) at any time.

Even your mother's mental illness, maybe she's 37% that illness, that means she's 63% other things and you may be 22% but it's not the same as her first 22%; you are a whole different generation with whole different problems/perspective; your children are not you (so can't become you); one cannot step into the same river twice?

Growing up, I knew I wanted children and a family of my own. A "real" family, not a highly dysfunctional one (like mine.) I had a miscarriage in college and it still haunts me. (Not sure that's the right word)

My SO & I have been together for 5 years. He has twin 10 yr old girls from his previous marriage. When we first started dating his ex wife would allow him to have his step-sons (he NEVER referred to them as step. they were his sons) on the same weekends he had the girls. 6 months after we had been dating she decided he could no longer have contact with his boys. We do not know why. We think it might be b/c she got engaged and is now re-married. He still misses those boys terribly. He had raised them for the majority of their lives. I would consider them to all be my kids, if we still saw the boys. I do not refer to the girls as my step-daughters, unless need be. They are my girls. They call me mom, they call their step-dad dad. I love them with everything I have.

My SO & I decided that it would be best if we not have any biological children for a number of reasons. Yes some of those had to do with my mental health and the fact that its hereditary, some of it had to do with my physical health (these too are also hereditary), some of it had to do with the fact that he didn't want to be an older dad (he's 9 yrs older than me), and some had to do with the fact that we already have 2 beautiful girls.

Sometimes I still wish I had biological children. But then I think about how lucky I really am. I say lucky b/c his daughters CHOSE me to be their mom. They could've decided they didn't like me and that I was the "evil" step-mom. But this was/is not the case. In fact, they have told me that I'm more of a mom to them than their real mom. We wish that we had them more often (every other weekend, 6 weeks in the summer, and rotating holidays is just not enough), but we make sure that every moment we have with them counts.

When children come into your life, what you thought they would be like or wished they would be just doesn't seem to matter as much anymore. At least for me. I'm just great full to be a mom.