Tough Love

I haven't spoke to my 13 yr old in three weeks, tough love. Everyone is supportive but they dont feel the pain i am feeling. I am having trouble eating, having nightmares, crying constantly, I feel week and I just want to crawl up in a ball. She is in a residental program because she needed help (at 12 her to do list included lying, stealing, drinking, drugs, sneaking out at night, abusing me and her sister and the list goes on). Last time she came home she went to Dunkin Donuts and came home stoned, I immediately brought her back to her residental. They promoted her to an upgraded status that week because she was eligible before she left, even though she broke the rules at home. In anger I said that is great you can do what ever you want but that doesnt mean I feel comfortable bringing her home when she puts herself at risk. She did more wrong that weekend....she always does. When she is home though, I can see her, I can talk to her...I know she is ok and I am ok. Now, I dont see her, I haven't spoke to her and I am dying on the inside. I wonder if she knows I love her and support her STILL....I am scared she hates me and feels like I abandoned her, like she feels her dad did. I also think she is refusing to call me to prove to me who is the boss and who has control. I know she has problems, she is official diagnosised with ADHD, but now that her counselor has even said she think there is more to her than that, I was looking around and Histrionic Personality disorder fits her completely. All the people helping her are ok with things being done in a week or maybe me talking to her next week...a day is just a day no big deal. A day to me is 24 hours, 1440 minutes I wait to hear something about her. I am so confused and sad, I am not sure how much more I can take.

Quick update....I saw my daughter yesterday. I was so proud of myself....I didnt yell or scream, we had a loving afternoon yet I was still stern. She asked if I could set up for her to go the the 8th grade dance and graduation with everyone else, I just looked at her and said..you know as long as you are putting yourself at risk and making choices that put yourself at risk home isn't a safe place for you; we need to work on why choices are so hard for you and how to make safer choices. The past is the past, but I need her future to be better. She has been told everyone working with her basically the same thing, but I don't think it has set in to her yet that she need to work on herself there.....no just kill time until her 1 yr is up. I also told her that I was very upset they promoted her and did not think she deserved it. She said she knew she didn't deserve it and the only reason she did go through with moving up was because if she didn't when it was deserved it could take them 2-3 weeks to actually move her up (that is actually true.....they are always too busy and do just what they have too). I know to take our conversations with a grain of salt.....I can't tell you how many times I have heard "trust me, I wont do that again" or "I learned from that mistake". It felt absolutely amazing to see her and hug her though. She even came and sat down on my lap when i was sitting watching the voice (yes....i was sitting outside her bedroom door hoping she would), but it worked. So, now I have a question......I know doctors dont like to diagnosis kids with mental health problems (I think they use the catch all of ADHD until they are older), but is there a way to push for it? Do they have to look more into if I say I want it done? She sees a psychiatrist once a month, but just like I thought they talk about the side effects of her meds (weight gain, loss of sleep) and the doctor leaves it at that and I am not there to say anything about it. If it isnt just ADHD....do we have to just suffer for 4-5 years until she is old enough to really be looked at. When I saw the difference between her learing before the ADHD and after it helped her so much. The meds clicked that little switch to make sitting possible. What if there is another wire with a little short circuit? She deserves to have be a happy teen not struggling with things she can't control. Besides once I know what she can control making sure the rules are fair will be easier. Thanks for listening

I don't know your daughter, and I am a parent of boys not girls, so I can only speak from my own experience as someone with HPD, but if she has HPD, then, I am sorry to say, not speaking to your daughter may be enforcing the feeling that she already has that no one loves her. At the heart of HPD is an intense feeling of never having been seen or loved, and the silent treatment - or sending her away - is only solidifying that 'truth' for her. You may love her, but the message she receives by being ignored or sent away is that you don't. You said, "She did more wrong that weekend....she always does." - Teenagers are incredibly intuitive. She knows that you expect her to do 'wrong'. Please, change your expectations, offer her tons and tons and tons of love and encouragement and forgiveness and apologies for not having been the parents she may have needed. And please get help together if you can.

I am sorry to offer advice where perhaps is was not warranted, but I see myself in your daughter and felt the strong need to speak up here. I apologize if this sounds judgmental - I don't mean it to be.

Hi Summer....oh thank you so much. The not speaking was her choice not mine. The sending her to the program was because when i go to sleep she sneaks out and puts herself at risk, I never sent her away for any reason other than safety issues....I thought the residential would give her some time to focus on finding herself and also for them to evalute her condition. The program tells me I am around too much and to stay away so she misses me more. I did speak to my daughter us this weekend and she said without hesitation "mom no matter how old I am and where we are, I know you love and support me, even if i killed someone". I may have come across wrong on my post....after three weeks of her not speaking to me I was in pretty bad shape....please know though...that was NOT me...that was her, I have no way of contacting her....she can call me once during the week during therapy for 1/2 hour and once on the weekends for 15 minutes, but those are if she wants....I can only be here waiting for it. I have tried counselors, i have tried partial hospitialization (only during school hours)...I just didnt know what else too do, but as far as my love that is one thing she has NEVER been without. I would appreciate your thoughts on how a parent can guide a troubled teen through tough times.

I keep going back to this......summer, there is a lot of mistakes I have made as a parent. Since you mentioned I should change my expectations and apologize....please tell me.....your 13 yr old daughter sneaks out while you sleep and has strangers she met on facebook picking her up, what would be your level of love and understanding? When does the fear of making sure she is safe become more important? Should her meeting strangers become an expectation that I support my 13 yr old doing (I apologize...I know this is sarcastic, but your comment about me not being the parent she may have needed was like a knife going right through me). I have walked away from my friends because I saw too many people judging her based on her behavior, I came here to find out how to support her more, to see what she needs, and saw "healthy parenting" and though it might be a place for me to just express my thoughts to people who may know through their own struggles not to prejudge. So you ignored my first line about how distressed I was, ignored where I wrote I did not think she could always control herself and chose to judge me and give me a good talking too.....without ever thinking maybe there was more or even reading it all, I don't think you would feel good if someone judged you that harshly when you were trying your hardest. Thank you

If I may interject: I doubt summer was being judgmental. Teens with pd's need certain parenting styles. I did, and I didn't get it. I believe I'm worse off bcoz of it. Sad thing is,had she known this, my mom wouldn't even have tried.
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Goodluck to you and your daughter.XOXO

If U find anything or anyone to help U on your matter please by all means send me that a way I also have a 13 year old daughter, daughter that is in the system for violence drugs b&e 10 counts unruly charges sneaking out caught with 18 year old boys abuses her mother an 2 older sisters been in lock down children s hospital for a week she's considered a cutter cause she scratches her wrists. Dan street 10 days b&e . I at this time have her into mentors program 2 to 3 evenings a week ,fast track 2 evenings a week ,csb every week. An now I am being blamed ,from my wife of 22 years she has made me leave my house by myself i been out a week i am so beat up inside an lost we now have started marriage counseling .Same as U no doctors will diagnose her cause of her age no help what so ever only abuse an a house that is destroyed an dysfunctional I have been going through this for 3 years my daughter started this when she was 11 years old. Good Luck BE STRONGGGGG