[Patagonia]

I know there's parents out there that will think I'm a horrid self centered person....& that's ok. I feel that way myself sometimes. But I also think there just might be parents out there that feel like I do. But it makes me feel like a freak.

I don't wanto be a parent anymore. I wanto quit & walk away. I can't do it. I'm not good at it & I just keep ****ing it up. I've had it. I'm ready to run.
My husband is a good dad, good provider & enjoys life. We have 3 great kids but most of the time I just wanto be alone. I'm tired of it all. The thankless ness, the loneliness, the worthlessness & the arguing. I just don't wanto do it.
I know I'm not doing a good job. I know I'm damaging them. I see books in the bookstore of "how to recover/ survive from a mentally ill parent". Gee the bases are already covered.
I've gotten the kids out of diapers, toddlerhood & into elementary school. I feel like my job is done. I'd love to have a "real" mom step in & take over so I can bow out quietly.
Yeah I know. Pathetic.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Patagonia: I'm sorry to read of your struggle. I'm not going to offer any suggestions here, & certainly no judgements... I just want to send some warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to resolve the conflicting emotions that are wearing you down.

[Mygrandjourney]

Hi: Hang in there and take care of yourself. Please feel free to use the forum for support.

"I'd love to have a "real" mom step in & take over so I can bow out quietly."
Whether you know it or not, you are a "real mom", based on your accomplishments with your children. Your feelings are telling you otherwise, but they don't appear to be accurate regarding your abilities as a parent.

[technigal]

from one mother to another motherhood is HARD! There are times I want to give up, and I always wanted to be a mom. Are you in any kind of therapy? I have found that so often I put myself last and everyone else comes before me. I burn out and then am forced to take a break. Having time alone from your kids does not make you a bad parent, it actually makes you a very good one as you realize that you need time away.

[IrisBloom]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with needing a break. I've heard some states or cities have a temporary foster care program. I have never checked into it, so don't know anything more.

It is exhausting work to raise kids. Mentally, emotionally, physically, financially. Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do. But think whether you really do want to stop being a mother. Could be you just need a break to recharge and relax for a bit. And do not underestimate your importance to your family. No one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes. You are doing what every mother since time began has done: your best! It doesn't mean you do everything right, but it means that you do based on what you believe to be the right thing.

Give yourself a break. You're doing a fine job for a fallible human mother!

P.S. Have you told your husband how you feel? If not, you should.

[Patagonia]

Thank you for the responses.

I think I put the trigger warning on here bec I know there's parents out there that would die to have what I have & think of me as selfish & a bad parent. I already feel that way.

I feel like I've done my job. I don't wanto be married anymore & I don't wanto raise kids anymore. There are now other things in my life I wanto do. Things I've missed or put off or have newly discovered. Now I feel trapped by my surroundings. I'm a mom for a hell of a long time. I don't wanto talk about 401k's or retirement. I wanto go live the life I walked away from when I was 25yo. I'll never get that chance. I wanto experience life....on my own. Find my own way. I've become locked in this "family life."
I've told my husband that "I don't belong here." I'd like to leave & figure things out.
He's asked me to stay & figure it out here.
I'm needed here. To cook, mother, schedule, do wash, etc. Mom/wife stuff. If I'd walk away if hurt a great deal of people. But if I stay I'm slowly killing my own soul.
I feel very trapped.

[Victoria'smom]

I feel the same way a lot.

[IrisBloom]

As a child abandoned by my mother, I cannot condone you leaving your children. But, let me say this: There is a difference between just up and leaving and not caring about them, and not being able to take care of them and making sure they are with someone who can and will take care of them. I fully understand how you feel, as I raised 3 single handedly and had another that I was not able to care for as I wanted to. (When I say care, I mean physically take care of).

Certainly your mental health is important and you need to take care of yourself before you can be what you need to be for your family. If leaving is what you need to do, please make sure your kids know you love them and want the best for them. I can tell you from experience that not knowing if you are loved or not is the worst thing to a child.

I hope you find peace and things turn out well for you and your family.

[lizardlady]

I believe most parents, if they are honest with themselves, have wanted a break from being a parent. It's the hardest job anyone will have. It's 24/7/365 and lasts at least 18 years. I also believe that lots of folks have misgivings about roads not taken.

Is there a way you could take some time away from being a parent? A vacation without the kids maybe?

Are you in therapy? You could talk about how you are feeling with a therapist and look for some suggestions.

[chimera17]

I feel this way too. Do you work outside of the home at all? I do, and it actually makes it so much worse, because I feel trapped in the job too because without my added income we wouldn't be able to afford the stuff I want for the kids, and I know I can't just be home with them all the time. I would snap.

[marmaduke]

I'm needed here. To cook, mother, schedule, do wash, etc. Mom/wife stuff. If I'd walk away if hurt a great deal of people. But if I stay I'm slowly killing my own soul.
You need a break, does your husband help out much? You sound exhausted.

I do understand, my husband was useless, selfish and lazy though.
I remember at one stage feeling like a robot. Endless housework, lonely, without any support, no break, no appreciation, rarely getting out. Cinderella, that what I felt like.
Its not easy being a mum.

[Patagonia]

If someone would look at my life from the outside, they'd say I have everything a suburban mom would want!
I have a hubby that supports me & my kids. A nice home. No major money issues so hubby doesn't ask me to get a job. A job would be difficult bec of my illness, but also might help me get out. I have a car, family vacations etc. Basically all the creature comforts, plus some. Most would call me a spoiled lazy stay at home mom. If I was well I'd have this house whipped into shape & be like all the moms they advertise on tv. But I'm not. My kids r starting to see the effects of my mental illness that I try so hard to hide from them. Sometimes it rubs off on them. They hear my anger, resentment & unhappiness, but of course don't understand why.
My husband leaves me alone. Never asks questions & goes thru life living on the surface. We talk about the kids, schedules & day to day crap. I spend most of my time at home, alone & don't talk to anyone all day, everyday. I figure it's for the better.

Is this all there is? Living my life to get my kids thru theirs? Making a happy home for them & killing myself in the process?

It's just so not what I Imagined for myself....but everyone seems happy about. Why did I ever think I'd make a difference?

[marmaduke]

My husband leaves me alone. Never asks questions & goes thru life living on the surface.

Um. hes living in his world, and you are living in yours. Although he provides he is not looking or listening?
Do you ever get time out together to talk and reconnect as adults, chat, one human to another rather than in your role as 'mum'.

[Patagonia]

Rarely but every once in a great while we do get out. Again we talk about on the surface stuff.
With 21 yrs of being married to someone whose is mentally I'll & sometimes it's severe I think I've burned my hubby to a crisp. He doesn't wanto hear about my woes, my thoughts, my heart desires. He wants to talk about retirement, work & social issues. I just play along. I know I've hurt him a great deal & saying my true feelings, that I'd like to find my own way in the world would either crush him or he'd get extremely angry & use my kids as weapons. I don't know which.

Suggestions- therapy, vacations alone without kids/hubby, girl's night out, book club, hobbies, exercise.

Are you medicated properly?

[Patagonia]

I've been on an avalanche of meds for 26 yrs. I've chosen to go off meds in February of this year. I take a good supply of vitamins & minerals & now work w/an endocrinologist to keep my hypo thyroid in check better.

Do you want a divorce?

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by Patagonia

I've been on an avalanche of meds for 26 yrs. I've chosen to go off meds in February of this year. I take a good supply of vitamins & minerals & now work w/an endocrinologist to keep my hypo thyroid in check better.

If you are this miserable, then perhaps being off medication is not working for you. Are you in talk therapy? It sounds like you really need to talk to a professional about how you are feeling and how you can start getting more out of your life.

The idea that "everyone else seems happy" is also probably inaccurate. You and your husband are both limiting yourself to "surface" conversations, but it does not sound like he is happy either. I mean, how could he be? You both are missing out on what a marriage is supposed to be about. And, like you say, your kids are starting to realize the effects of your mental illness. As the child of a mentally ill mother, I can tell you that the kids absolutely see and are affected by more than you realize! The best thing you can do for both yourself and your family is to get the professional help you need to treat your mental illness. If you're miserable, you are not helping anyone just by being "there." They don't just need meals and clean clothes; they need "you." You need "you." Even if you need to take some time away from the family in order to get treatment, that is better than staying there miserable and unengaged.

[ChipperMonkey]

Men walk away all the time and nobody even bats an eye.

Women do it and are stigmatized for life.

The double standard sucks (and ultimately the kids pay b/c men are permitted to behave this way by society). Not throwing any sort of blame your way, just saying that if you were a guy who felt this way, you'd be getting a different set of responses.

[Patagonia]

Yes I'd like to get a divorce. But there are many circumstances that surround that decision that I'm not ready to tackle. Most important is becoming financially independent.

My husband seems happy. He's very dedicated to his job & gets much satisfaction from that. Also from being a dad. Those 2 things make him content.
If I tell him I'm not happy hell always answer "it's not my job to make you happy."

When my family is home I can switch parts very well to put "Suzy Homemaker" in charge. She's funny, helps w/homework, cooks, plays, runs the house. She makes everyone think life is good."

Then I lay in bed at night & think of another day of my life that's been wasted. Hoping that tomorrow will bring a miracle! I do t believe in miracles anymore.

I've had therapists since I was 19yo. I quit my last one in December bec of major religious differences. The past 2 before her I was pretty much abandoned. I live in a very small town & limited T's. Not much choice. I said I was finished.
I know my issues. I know what would be logical steps to help myself & the tangled mess I get myself into. My major concern is I don't wanto hurt anyone & I'm also scared to death to make a change. So I just wait for change to come to me.

Yes I think there's a double standard here. But if if leave it would make my hubby look like a saint & me look like a *****.

[Mygrandjourney]

Originally Posted by chimera17

I feel this way too. Do you work outside of the home at all? I do, and it actually makes it so much worse, because I feel trapped in the job too because without my added income we wouldn't be able to afford the stuff I want for the kids, and I know I can't just be home with them all the time. I would snap.

I agree: is there a "both and" solution to your situation v. "either or"? Perhaps brainstorming all possible options would be a good starting point?

Hang in there. My bipolar 1
was triggered as a result of pregnancy. Life turned into a blender since. I just have one child. All I could handle. She's a love and now 15. She asks me how I put up with her. I tell her I still am lol. Your kiddos may inherit your bipolar. Get help with the kids. Take care of you. Those hard times will pass. Stay strong.

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PS: I divorced after 16 years and it's much better now. I did escape an abusive marriage. Take care and there is no shame.

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[Patagonia]

I think about divorce daily. My biggest issue is money.
But when I look at the situation as a whole, where I am more than half way thru my life & next to nothing to show for it I wonder why I'd wanto make such radical changes at this point. Isn't the grass always greener? If I'd get to the other side, to a freer side won't I naturally look back & say god I was so stupid to leave such a great set up. Yet another mistake made. I know myself pretty well & the mistakes I've made. Now I've become gun shy to make any moves. Like my feet r in cinder blocks.
Loneliness is not attractive

[chimera17]

It is tough. Can you ever really tell if the problem is your mental state stressing out your relationship vs your relationship exacerbating your mental state?

For me, the roughest patches in my relationship have been causes by my own mental instabilities in most cases, and my partner's issues in only a few. When we've weathered the storm so to speak, I have been thankful I didn't act while in the depths of depression or whatever emotional issue had come up.

However, there are many people out there who are in relationships that exacerbate mental health issues. It is incredibly hard to gain enough perspective to be 100% sure until you take action. It might help to journal some of your thoughts, and then review them after a period of time to see if your relationship is one of the sources of your stress and frustration or if it is just a victim of the stress and frustration you are feeling. Discussing with a counselor may also help gain clarity.

Hang in there! Things WILL get better, and you WILL be able to choose the right path for you!