Drowning

I am recently divorced and have both my children 100% of the time. Their father doesn't act on his custody agreement. I get no child support. My children are six and three. I feel like I am failing miserably. Immediately after my divorced and subsequently moving out, my father passed away. I avoided this pain as long as I could until I fell into a massive depressive state. I ended up getting ECT which helped for awhile. It was a grueling process where I was gone a lot, further disrupting their already chaotic lives. Now I'm finding it hard to connect with my kids or feel anything other than annoyance with them. I want to say that they are GREAT children. I do love them, I know I do. I just find it hard to handle both of them all the time. If I sit on the couch the both have to sit right next to me and with various parts of their bodies touching me. I just want to go hide in my room and not deal. I'm so overwhelmed that I am numb. I haven't felt anything in a month.

My six year old has started needed constant reassurance and my three year has become even more clingy than usual. I feel like they are picking up on my stress, my mood and my generalized apathy. I feel like I'm ruining them. Every time my six year old smiles in my face or comes to give me a hug for 100th time in five minutes, all I can think is: I'm freaking them out. I was such an AMAZING mom before I got divorced and now I'm like a passenger in a car. Last week I looked up in Thursday and realized I hadn't bathed them since Sunday. Who does that??
It takes me way to long to go to the grocery store because I just don't care. The result is fast food which isn't healthy. I let them watch way too much TV because it easier than having to entertain them. I have no idea what's happening with the six year old at school because I stopped checking his homework. The three year old has regressed in his potty training and is back in pull ups. Why? Because I stopped asking him if he needs to go potty. I just want to be left alone. I look at them and think, I should be teaching your something. You should be learn to tie your shoes or sling a yo-yo. Instead I stare blankly into space on the couch while they watch episode number whatever of PJ Masks. I wonder if it would better for me to give them to my mom who is amazing and save them from my spiraling circle of guilt, depression and annoyance. I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed that I don't want to be around my own children and that they aren't enough for me to snap out of it. I feel like it's only a matter of time before they end up in therapy and I will have to explain to them why Mommy didn't smile for three months. I'm so sorry this is so much. This is everything I can't say because I'm so worried that someone will call CPS and try to take them from me. I wish I wasn't such a failure.

Hi shockedsilence. Welcome to Psych Central. I am deeply sorry to hear of the divorce and financial avoidance of your ex. It must have been traumatic to lose your dad. I am still grieving over 6 months after my own dad's death.

No matter how bad a mother you judge yourself to be, to your children you are still mother. I know of a child that lost their dad and potty training was very difficult and extended. If you help feed them and take care of them you are being a good mother. You do not have to be perfect. Your children are clinging because their world view has fallen apart. That is not your fault. They still love you and need you so long as you can take care of them.

What help can you get to deal with your own depression and emptiness? It could be a therapist or a woman's support group. There are options out there for all of us, but we must pick up the phone and call.

Another area that might be helpful if your ex has a job or resources that could be garnished to force compliance with childcare. There may be free legal services that can offer you a lawyer. Texas Child Support Garnishment Limits, Exemptions and Protections

This article talks more about child support. If there is a court order and they are violating that, the court will step into to help enforce the court order. http://texaslawhelp.org/resource/ans...d-support-in-t

Feel free to reply to this post or send me a private message.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. You sound like you are still depressed. I hope that you are continuing with treatment for your depression/grief. You might want to find out if there is a grief support group in your area. I notice you said that you were wondering if your mom could take your children. Would she be able to take them for a couple hours here and there to babysit to give you a break? Would your 3 year old be eligible for head start (or early head start, I can't remember the age break?) While their school year is probably wrapping up for the year right now, if you are low income you could look into it for the fall to give you a couple hours a day where both children are out of the house and time to focus on yourself. Remember that you need to take care of yourself so that you can support your kids. You are doing good reaching out for help.

I doubt it is better to turn them over to your mom, because of the guilt of struggling with your own exhaustion-emotional exhaustion. You're posting here, you do care. Perfection is a pipe dream, a fallacy! I don't always check my own kids bags. I've 3 and gosh darn it, they might be great little boogers outside of my home, after having them 24/7, I'm drained! It's not all it's cracked up to be and after listening to their banter and quibbling and the newest minecraft parody, I'm wondering how there exist women that actually "enjoy" this?! Don't get me wrong, I love them, but why does getting them to sit for a haircut or take a shower got to absorb so much time?!?!

Just take it day to day. It's not just you that feels this way sometimes(or days on end).