We're moving, 9 year old doesn't want to

We bought a house in another state over 3 hours away from here. Our 9 year old duaghter ( my stepdaughter), has told several people that she doesn't want to move. She has been living with her Dad and I for the past several years. She sees her Mom every other weekend. Her mom really isn't involved in her life, doesn't ask about how she does in school, never took her to the doctors, wasn't there when she had a major operation. But when she spends the weekend with her, they have fun, but she's not motherly. She doesn't care if she doesn't wear a coat when it's cold out and recently she let her ride a 4 wheeler without a helmet. She can stay up late and watch anything she wants ( even though it's inappropriate), and who cares if she brushes her teeth?

Anyway, our daughter has it in her head that she has a choice in the matter as to whom to live with. She comes home from spending the weekend with her mom and tells me that she's not sure who sure wants to stay with. After she just told me at the beginning of the week that she made her decision and she's going with us. Is she gonna play these games back and forth everytime she sees her mom? I think her mom is cohersing her into wanting to stay with her.

Her mom and stepdad live in the basement of his parents home. They have two little boys as well. There is no room for our daughter. She sleeps on the couch when she visits. She would have a much better life with us. I could just see her grades falling if she were with her mom. And her smoking at a young age, all sorts of bad things run through my mind.

My husband will be so hurt if she decideds to stay with her mom. She's always been Daddy's girl.

What do we do? She would give her a choice? Or just tell her since she's always lived with us, that's the way it's going to stay.

I know she's afraid of a new school, etc. But she'll still have to change school if she moves to her mother's.

She will still get to see her mom if she goes with us. She can even stay for long periods during summer break.

Any advice?

At 9 years old, I would say she doesn't have a choice. Does husband have full custody of her? If so, it's already been decided. Maybe you can reassure her that when (not if) you all move together into the new house, that she will have lots of opportunities to see her mom and can even stay for longer lengths in the summer. Maybe you guys can let her know she IS going with you, in a loving way, and talk about the excitement of her having a say in how her room will be decorated or things like that?

Best of luck. Keep us posted.

I remember when I was a kid. When my mom and dad initially split up I was living with my mom. It was a relatively happy time from what I remember. Soon enough she had a boyfriend...who years later would be my step-dad. The big problem was that we moved constantly. She changed her jobs frequently. She used to say she was part gypsy because she moved so much, she didn't like to stay in one place for two long. Probably because she never liked it here in the northeast, she's really southerner at heart but she had to stay in this area because we were there. When she and my step-dad to be broke up for the first time, it was decided that I would live with my dad. He was a much more stable person. He has lived, and worked at the same places since before we were born. Looking back on it, it was probably not the best of decisions. He couldn't even practice good self care on himself, so we stopped caring about ourselves too. My brother became a wild child, running around with the other boys his age who would steal things, smoke (elementary schoolers I remind you) and get into all sorts of trouble. I didn't have any friends really, so I neglected my own health. It led to a lot of bad habits. Years later my mom basicaly had to reteach me the basics of being a sanitary person who doesn't live in squalor and doesn't eat food because it's there (Well, I'm still working on that last one to be honest). I don't really blame my dad, he did his best. We had some good times together, but he really couldn't provide the structure or dicipline we needed (niether of our parents really could)

I say you should ask her why she really wants to live with her mother. You don't have to let her live with her, but listen to her and what she has to say about why she wants to live with her. After listen to her, try to tell her in a very nice way why you are concerned about you living with her mother. You should have her dad around too I think (to avoid the whole "you're not my mother!" drama) the most important thing is to remain calm. If the parents get emotional around the kid, I can assure you that will will make the situation 10 billion times worse.Also I agree with that you should tell her that not only will she be able to see her mother more often, she could even go for extended periods of time during breaks.

Thanks, I think I will ask her why she wants to live with her mom. We never really did ask her why. I know she has 2 little brothers that she enjoys. Her mom drops the 3 year old off at day care. She doesn't work either. She just can't deal with the kid, I guess. Tells you what kind of mom she is.
Fortunately, she doesn't ever give me the "you're not my mom" bit. She considers me and calls me "mom". I've known her since she was 2 and a half. We never refer to me as stepmom.
We took her up to the house the past 2 weekends and she helped us work. She loved it! She worked hard, too. I think that will help her adjust to the idea somewhat. She likes the house, just still doesn't want to move away though.

If this woman is as bad as she sounds then I would not think twice about who the child is going to live with even if she is having difficulties with the move... I would politely and lovingly explain to her that she will be living with daddy and that she can still see mommy and play with her brothers.

to all -

Kids love you to be over the top ! Whats embarrasing to you and me is not the them....

Tell her how much you love her and no way could you live without her ! So she HAS to come with you but that she can still see the other mum !

I moved with and eight year old plus younger ones with my new hubby to the other end of the country and they took the move just fine as I constantly reasured them how much they was loved and how exciteing it will be getting new friends and going to a new school wow your so lucky ! New bedroom maybe even a new toy lol.

Never make the mistake of running the other mum down as they will hear and be really upset by it, no matter what you think of her just tell your daughter that the other mum loves her too so everyone will make sure you see her !

That's good advise, thanks Tishie.