For those of us in hiding

On the outside, and to everyone else, I'm just a normal, everyday guy who is unusually meek and shy. I've been told I should fear less, and 'express myself' more. If only they knew how I'd do the 'expressing myself' part. They have no idea what's going through my head, I never make it obvious, and I'm a total professional when it comes to hiding. Sometimes I listen to peoples' advice and think to myself "would this person think the same of me if I let out the secret?". The answer is probably no.

How I see myself, is as, if not more, important than how I want others to see me. A few years ago, I turned to cross-dressing in secret, just so I could look at myself in the mirror and be more like the person I want to be. It wasn't everything I wanted, but it at least made me feel good for a while.

Those were better times, These days, the only way I can 'express' myself is through the internet, here and elsewhere. now I'm surrounded by people, I have no privacy, and I'm constantly swamped by work or college, and I find it hard to 'express myself to myself', if it makes any sense. I still have very strong urges to wear women's clothing and... makeup..., but that one window I had as a teen, is now shut and boarded.

I'm just fighting against my inner self everyday, trying to suppress it, in hopes that better days will come when I can get my own place and stand up entirely on my own two feet without any kind of assistance. The problem is that time doesn't seem to be going by fast enough, for me, and it makes me lose hope.

I know a lot of people here are 'in hiding' and have no ways to express themselves, i.e be the person they want to be. Hope is really important, I guess, so I ask you, how do you keep hope alive?

The only places I can be myself is my imagination, and on the internet, so I'm glad I have those too, at least.

Hi Brokenentity: I guess I qualify as one of the trans individuals who are in hiding. My pdoc knows (not that it makes any difference to him.) My wife also knows. But, while she knows, she doesn't REALLY want to know, if you catch my drift, as they say. We don't talk about it. We have what I refer to as a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. She doesn't ask & I don't tell! She has actually been helpful with regard to a few small things I've done in an effort to feminize myself slightly. But, if I made any movement toward genuine transition of any kind, I feel quite comfortable saying she would be aghast!

The one advantage I do have is that she is still employed full time & I am not. So I'm home alone all day Monday through Friday. (This will probably change come the end of the year.) However, even though I'm alone a good share of the time, I don't cross-dress any more. I gave that up about 15 years ago. (A few months later I made my first serious suicide attempt... make of that what you will.)

As for keeping hope alive, I have none. At this point in my life, all hope is abandoned. I just live from one day to the next with a kind-of dull acceptance with occasional spikes of "I just can't stand this for another minute!" So I don't know that I have much to suggest in terms of keeping hope alive. I do have a few "trinkets" that I've accumulated over the years. I keep them put away in my closet. Seeing them & touching them can be soothing. Also I bought a ring on ebay a while back. It is a ring that was made by a Navaho artist. It has different colored minerals & shell in it. It is vaguely reminiscent of the LGBTQ rings you can buy on ebay. I wear it on my right pinkie finger as a reminder of that part of me that is buried.

Hi again Brokenentity: I forgot something. I don't know how this slipped my mind. And I don't know if it will be of any use to you either. But one of the biggest things that I do involves grooming & dress. For example: I like to smell nice. So I use some nicely scented skin lotions after my showers. The one I'm using now smells like cocoa. I've also let my hair grow out. It's still not REAL long. There are men who have longer hair than mine. But it's fairly long... it almost covers my ears. I don't have pierced ears. But many men do nowadays. I pluck my eyebrows... not to the extent women do. But enough to keep them looking neat. I also sometimes use clear nail polish. It's pretty unobtrusive. I've also stocked my wardrobe with articles of men's clothing that is somewhat feminine looking: pinks, flowered prints & other pastel colors. Allot of times these kinds of things can be purchased at discount clothing stores because many men won't wear them. So I buy them at a discount! I have also acquired some pieces of jewelry. It's all either men's jewelry or unisex.

The point here is that you can do allot for yourself in terms of how you look (and smell) while still remaining totally within the male realm in terms of what you use. This is actually much easier to do today than it would have been a few years ago. It's probably not where you want to end up. But it may help until such time as you're able to bring forth your feminine persona... and there's hope in that!

Well, I do little things like staying thin, and shaving my face. I think I look 'not bad at all'. Just last night i had a dream where I magically got long hair from nowhere. I have grown long hair before, I just have it really short right now.

I had a little wardrobe a few years ago, sold them all out of fear and guilt.

My nightmares usually involve me turning into some 'alpha male' with muscles and stuff. I seriously don't want that. I just hate feeling 'butch'. I think I have a nice body right now, so don't want lose it.

The only thing that really keeps me going is my imagination and my fantasies.

Thanks for the feedback, I need to find ways to slowly 'inject' a few unisex or feminine things into my style, slowly so I don't raise too many eyebrows at once. I wish I had a more accepting bunch of people around me.

Yes... acquiring clothing & other accessories appropriate to your gender identity, & then "purging" yourself of them, in other words, getting rid of it all, is a common practice among non-transitioned transsexual individuals. We build up a stash of such things. Then, out of inconvenience or fear or guilt, etc. we throw it all away (or sell it, or donate it). We swear we will NEVER do that again. Time passes. And pretty soon we've begun to accumulate a whole new wardrobe! I've done it numerous times over the years!

I do regret getting rid of them, I should've rather kept them more hidden. I wish i had my own place.