Individuals I have been in contact with regarding my trans nature have suggested that I just gradually loosen up a bit & allow my inner trans-ness to emerge just a little. This was a central theme of the discussions I had with my last therapist. (I stopped seeing her several months back, because I didn't feel like our sessions were going anywhere, & I couldn't justify the cost.) It makes perfect sense to do what these people suggest. And, I fact, as I have mentioned elsewhere, I have done this to an extent.

But one of my fears, with regard to allowing some of my trans-ness to emerge, has been that anything I would do would never be enough. If I did "A", I'd yearn for "B". And if I allowed myself to do "B", then I'd want to advance to "C" & "D", etc. And as I have in fact begun to peel back the layers of the onion, so to speak, this is exactly what I have experienced. Each little thing I do, while it is pleasant, just leaves me wanting to go further. And this has convinced me that nothing short of full & complete transition would ever quell the craving.

And so I wonder if other trans individuals find that they can be satisified with less than total & complete transition, & if so how they managed to get to that place, because for me such a haven just does not seem to exist.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Skeezyks, just a thought but it's sounding like you're cutting off all of the B.....C....D.....E.....F.....'s just in case it get's to Z. And that's a lot of letters you're missing out on just in case.
And while each of those letters may be giving you pleasure/allowing you to be more you (pleasure you're denying yourself right now) that's a lot you're missing out on!!
But if your life does have some boundaries in place (other than what people have told/indicated to you in the past!) that are going to restrict some things then there may be ways of working in those boundaries which still allow you to be "true to yourself".
I know it's such a loose example (and if I think of another....I'll get back to you!!) but there are sometimes going to be places, situations, circumstances when we can't truly be ourselves. For some people it might be when they're at college, for others it might be at work, for others it might be with their parents. But away from those situations, circumstances...............
And you know, you could even look at ways to move some of those boundaries as well,
Then if you decided on a complete transition, would that really be so bad??? I mean it might not come to that anyway but if.........?? There are plenty of people out there in all sorts of circumstances, at all times of life who it has worked for. I know it doesn't always but there could be that possibility, right?
So if the worst as you're seeing it could happen, then it wouldn't have to be that bad, right?
So why stop yourself from taking a few steps closer to where you may want to be just in case.
Just something to think about.....maybe explore how truly happy you are with your situation now compared with..........you might decide that you're comfortable/happy with where you are right now (and you are pushing the boundaries, I hope!! ) but then again you may decide maybe not so much......???
Either way it doesn't at all have to be a bad thing........and follow your heart a bit, right!!???



Alison

P.S You are in touch with some trans groups or forums (as well as here) for support/"companionship" with this aren't you?? Therapists can help a lot I'm sure, but nothing like talking with people who are there/who have been there.

No, Alison, I'm not in touch with any trans people now. I used to be. But they've all moved on at this point. Also part of the problem is that trans people, who are transitioning, don't see me as being a bona fide transsexual person. At best they see me as being someone who is too weak to stand up & do what needs to be done. At worst, they see me as possibly confused or a faker. I've been called this. I read, in another reply to a post in this forum, where the person wrote that one does not have to transition to be transsexual, & personally I would agree with this. But most transsexual persons I've known, who are transitioning, don't seem to see it that way.

The thing is, I never "wanted" any of this & I don't want it now. I may not have made this clear previously. I (speaking in terms of my outward male persona) just wanted to be a normal, regular, everyday guy. The problem is that there has always been this other component (the one I've called my psychotic fraternal twin sister... whom I've now named Gretchen) that has always done whatever it (she?) could do to try to pull me toward the other end of the binary. And when she couldn't succeed in pulling me there, she became content to cause me to do things to degrade myself.

Yes, by saying that I refuse to go beyond "A" I do deny myself the potential rewards that could be had by doing, say, B through Y. But, from my perspective, each step I take toward "Z" (full transition) causes that part of me that wants it, to want to just that much more. So, say I do A, B & C. Then I start thinking about doing "D". My tendency is to say: well, I've already gone as far as A, B & C. So why not go on to "D". It's just not that much further. And then the same dynamic occurs when I begin to think about going on to "E". "Well, I've done D already. So I might as well go on the E. It's not that much further & I do feel the need to." Not every trans person feels this way. I know many find some point along the way where they feel comfortable stopping. I don't believe that would ever happen with me. Plus, the other problem that arises is that, while Gretchen might find some comfort in this, that outward male part of my persona would be distressed I'm afraid. I don't know about this for sure... maybe there is no real outward male persona. Maybe it's just a mask I constructed over the years to hide my true self. I don't know. Even after all of these years, it is still all very confusing...

[Frankbtl]

Hi Skeezyks, do you think looking a bit more specifically into why you don't want this might help?? what's shaped your thoughts/beliefs in to that feeling?? Maybe a big (?) part could be others less "enlightened" views from the past??
Perhaps the "male persona" is more the "norms" speaking of what you were led to believe you had to follow as opposed to the you inside. It does sound a little like you're trying to "fit yourself into a box", a box more constructed by others.
I know there was so much "stigma" around in those days and things must have been really hard for you. But you've got to know that it's OK, in fact it's good, to move past some of beliefs/moral trends of those days.
So maybe if you look to taking a much wider view of equality, diversity, rights nowadays...........sure you'll still find some "stigma" but then again you're also going to find much more acceptance, understanding, respect, valuing than there was before.
And along with that the concept of people "degrading" themselves (like you said you had) has shifted so much. And I'm wondering if maybe the concept you're holing onto is more about generations ago. Then, in some circles you would even be seen as "degrading" yourself by not wearing a suit, shirt and tie to church, and we know how out there that is now, don't we?
SO unless "Gretchen" is into wearing bright/florescent pink/green eye shadow you might just be alright maybe And I know I'm going to have to apologize to someone who is into wearing that (!!) but just a thought.......
Perhaps it's your "male persona" you need to have a good talk to?? Enlighten it a bit??
You can still keep it, if it feels not so bad, but I'd say you need to breathe a little "tolerance", "acceptance", "understanding" into it so it can live in a little more harmony with "Gretchen", with you.

As for the trans "world": I'm sorry you found some of the people you've met to be less "inclusive"/welcoming, but a least you've found someone on here who was and there will be others out there like that too. It's maybe as much about finding them, and now you're less afraid to say who you are (which is great!!) you may be able to "open more doors" to do that.



Alison

Actually, Alison, there is a simple explanation for my determination to retain my male persona. I've been married for 35 years. Neither my wife nor I have any other family of any consequence. And she could not tolerate me doing anything more than nibbling around the edges as I'm doing now. I have said, in the past, to individuals I've talked with about this that I am determined to gift my wife the future she always assumed she had with me. That doesn't make it any less difficult. But it's what I'm determined to do My primary purpose in writing these posts has been to, hopefully, give others who are struggling the opportunity to see what life as an untransitioned transsexual person looks like from the latter stages of the journey. Hopefully it will be of use to them as they try to figure themselves out.

[Frankbtl]

Hi, I'd certainly say that you're giving a lot of insight and inspiration to others, giving people the confidence to say.......and allowing them to feel understood too. You are amazing!!
If I'm reading it right (??) you must love your wife very much?? Which is priceless, not everyone will find love like that!!
But I can see how things could be really hard for you at times too. Maybe gradually (very gradually) with just a little more discussion.........I can see it may be quite a "sensitive" area........she may open up to being accepting of just a bit more "nibbling around the edges"??
But ultimately remember that there does have to be some "give and take" (from her side) in allowing you to be able to be as close to being you as you can/want to.
And again: You are amazing!!



Alison

Well, Alison: There is a Buddhist monk named Ajahn Brahm. He's actually English. But he lives at a Buddhist monastery in Australia. He gives talks frequently on topics related to Buddhism. Videos of his talks are uploaded onto YouTube. Some of them relate directly to mental health topics. Anyway, Ajahn Brahm says that we should not be so quick, as we usually are, to deflect praise. So, in keeping with Ajahn Brahm's line of thought... I will simply say: