Roll Call

((((Adespota))))

I feel just like you, I am just sick of it all.

I am indeed here. Going to a party in a few days and had to purchase some new clothes. I bought something from the men's shop and something from the women's shop. I will let that speak for me until next time.

And yea, it was all on sale and so cheap! I so love that.

This morning I suddenly had a wild thought. Maybe instead of trying to move closer to being the woman I never was... I should try being the man I never was! It would be much easier since I'm stuck in this creaky old male body anyway. I could just let all of the disgusting hairs grow back all over the place. I could look in the mirror & not be repelled by what I see. Maybe I'd even get to the point where I'd be satisfied to continue living! (Well... maybe THAT'S a little far-fetched.)

I could sit on the couch, eat junk food & watch football! Maybe I'd even bring home a case of Bud Light!

And, if I REALLY wanted to get into it... I'd go out & buy me a new pick-up! Yeah... I'd get me a Dodge Ram 4X4 super cab... sw-e-e-e-e-e-t... And then I could buy some tickets to a Vikings game & drive there in my new wheels. Maybe I'd even go bare-chested & paint my body purple & gold... & wear a Viking helmet... you know... the kind with horns that the real Vikings never wore!

Ah... I don't know. This is starting to sound just as involved as shaving my legs... Maybe I'll just stick my head in the toilet & flush...

It's amazing how nice clothes will help me forget dysphoria for a while. I FINALLY found a black button down shirt that fits. I received it in the mail yesterday and when I tried it on and realized it actually fit well I felt pretty good for a moment. Weeeeird feeling.
I'm sure the effect will wear off, but still it's good to see how such simple things can actually provide some comfort.

So I went back to the shop to order the same shirt in a different color but they didn't have my size anymore. Something to look forward to I suppose

Well, you know, exploring who we are isn't a bad thing to do. I know I explored my feminine side for a few years when I was a bit younger. I don't really regret it because it showed me who I am not. If I didn't have that I wouldn't know for sure who I am.

Man I am in love with clothing now, hah! All those years of glancing longingly to the men's section and finally I am there. Funny, when I was a "girl" I hated shopping and now that I've embraced my male self I love shopping. Here's to breaking the stereotypes!

my dysphoria is back again, after a night with no dysphoria at all.

We know how it feels, and you're not alone!

Hi strangers. Dysphoria is dragging me down today. I'm ready to do the surgery myself. There is something I've got to get off me chest. Wish me luck!

(kidding, I think...)

Hey there outoftune :wave:
I can relate to that sentiment - but please stay safe!

I finally got hired. I'm working at Kohl's near where I live. It's a pretty boring job tbh, but it pays. And everyone there is pretty nice, since Kohl's employees are usually older women in their late 40's to 50's. Kohl's like hires for the long haul and what not. Plus they have an Equal Employment opportunity policy, so I can't get fired because I start transitioning. So that's a plus.

I am completely crestfallen.

Seamster! That's awesome, congrats on the job!

One hell of a tiresome day. Spent all day travelling.

Congratulations, The Seamster!

Tired as heckle, 8 hour days are rough at kohls, too many people

Sounds very tiring. Hang in there!

Looks like my voice won't have dropped most likely in time for school. I was really hoping to go stealth...

ugh, bad day, woke up at 12:40 pm, thats right, overslept by 5 hours.

Hubby and I are on vacation for two weeks and it's stressing me out so much . There is so much I need to process at the moment, I feel like just shutting myself up all day. I just want to be left alone. On top of that, my SI urges are skyrocketing and the dysphoria is too. I feel that when on my own, I can at least get away as androgynous, but with this straight, cis man by my side people don't bat an eye before they start mrs-ing me. It's so frustrating.

Yesterday I considered hrt for the first time. The thought terrifies me. H and I have been together for 14 years. I think he's accepting me as androgynous, but I don't think he would want to live with me if I started hrt.

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time kraken. That sounds really tough Hang in there...
Don't worry too much about hrt... give it plenty of time to mull it over, so you don't have to fret about it all at once. Just take things one step at a time. Maybe put it aside for now until you have a bit of time. I hope you can find some pleasurable experiences on your vacation

Thank you, Adespota. I don't think I can let it rest. My mind is at it 24/7. It's like I need to work it through. I wish I could talk to my husband about how I feel, but the enormity of this is too scary. It's as discussed in The Skeezyk's post - I most likely have to choose between my relationship and my sanity and well-being. Should be an easy choice, but it's hard.

I started reading this blog: http://firsttimesecondtime.com/2012/...-we-there-yet/
_Everything_ Ezekiel writes could have been written by me. It's almost scary.

I have a mind to tackle the issue head on, but wow, this could turn into one nightmare situation

T is on vacation too, so he's out.

My situation isn't harder as anyone else's I suppose, but man, didn't I see that one coming.

Thanks for listening

Just got a packer, so that's...new? Kinda exciting. Testing out the feel of it. Still waiting for my new binder, which will take like weeks to get here.

Wow :/ that's really rough, Kraken. I hope all the best for you.

Awesome. I remember getting my first packer in the mail, that was a good day.