I don't want to hide anymore

Hi there,

I feel sad these days. I'm out to several people, but I have the feeling that only a few of them would stay supportive if I'd go on T. or similar. The others feel more like "ooh genderqueer okay/thats nice/whats that/ - This changes NOTHING for me" .
But for me it changes A LOT!
I want to be able to ask my collegues to use my real pronouns, to use my own choosen name and to go to university with my beard and feel good about it. Maybe I am the problem and everyone would be fine, I'm just too anxious.

And so I'm in a wibbly-wobbly state where some people know, some don't and I feel like I am unable to be true to myself. Dysphoria sometimes is an asshole, too.

Sorry, just on my way to a meeting at work were I have to look out not to sit on a table with only other people percieved as women, so I don't have to hear the "oh and there is the womens table" "ah ladies, how are you" etc and feeling bad about it. Life is a parkour and sometimes I don't have enough spoons to deal with all the obstacles.
Sorry to vent on you

It's OK vent away..

To open up about who you are means risking the loss of friends, but are people who would turn their backs on you because of who you are, are they REAL friends?

But there is a bright side, the friends who stand by you, those are friends you should treasure.

Love the spoons reference BTW, I run a support group and bring up spoon theory regularly.

Hello Pflaumenkeks: I'm sorry you are struggling. I don't really have any useful comments to offer. But I wanted to simply let you know I read your post & I wish you well in your transition.

thank you both!
I wish it was this easy with transition in germany, but you need a pychologist certificate that you lived at least 3 years as your own gender etc in germany before you can think of getting T (And even then you have to write a resume that reflect it and essays etc and of course they only recognize binary trans* people)

But mike_j you're right. Friends are only worth keeping if they are accepting you as who you are. I just don't always find the courage to be myself.

How do you do it? I mean, there are people who were easy and than there are places such at work that come very uneasy to me (excuse my english I went out for some drinks and..)

Hi P!

Fear is the worst inhibitor to our salvation. Be free!

I too was stuck being what I was born at in agony and feared change even though I dream of it. I outed myself to my family a few months ago (was drinking at the time) and I felt a little better. Now when it comes to everybody else, screw them. My business is not their business, and if they have a problem with any part of me, it's their problem and not mine. If they try to make their problem my problem, then I'll deal with it then. Until then, get out of my head. I get the wolf pack mentality.

I wanted peace in myself and needed more, so I starting a few months ago, I started letting go of the fears...a little at a time at a comfortable pace. I began by making a transition list with costs of surgeries, therapy, you know change stuff. This helped me feel like I'm taking steps to what should have been.

Now I allow the little things like wearing light make-up, painted toenails, gloss polish (no color) on the fingernails which I'm letting them grow a bit more. I shaped my eyebrows and took all the hair off my legs and arms. I wear my favorite colors like purple and pink shoes and hats out in public..and screw everybody else how they think. I'm not a gay man, but am a female in a man's body. I did all this a little at a time and found out that it goes unnoticed and ignored, especially at work (I'm a carpenter).

Go sit with the ladies, I would, but here I'm rejected because I don't have that charm or charisma- in short, this body isn't exactly a great looking body.

The other guys would be envious because they don't mix with the girls.

I hope you find your freedom.

Hey AlwaysChanging2,

It feels good to hear that. Clothes are not that big deal. Women are accepted to wear "man clothes" so nobody cares anyway. But they still see me as a woman and sometimes I'm so angry about it. When I have a beard they are at least forced to overthink that
But at work (software testing) I'm not brave enough. I'm on my way getting a fix contract and a ‎promotion. And I need the money (don't we all?)

But I'll try to be more myself at university. In my private life I'm more and more able to do so

Yes I hear, clothes aren't that big of deal, in my head though, it is just to me (isn't it always?)

I totally understand about trying to be yourself somewhat. I had to teach myself and try to behave like a male even though this body is male. I would analyze an awkward moment or a decision thats taken wrong and figure out the appropriate male response. I had to learn how to get cocky and self-confident, to not move a certain feminine way, hold my head up and look them in the eye, develop a strong but restrained attitude,....

It took a lot of practice and booze. I'm sure that I could of done it without the booze, but it sure helped.

Good luck!

Hi. I can't relate to your struggle directly but I've found that my closest relationships are always with people who know about my own mental health disorders. It can be terrifying to admit them to people, but people form really strong connections when they are most vulnerable. There might be people who can't handle who you really are, but you don't need them in your life anyway.