steps forward in transition

So I've decided to take some action in the presentation part of my transition. I've known for a few years that I'm trans but it's been nothing but confusion for me, except for these tiny moments of clarity in which, when I envision transitioning, the idea of being able to live full time as a guy seems like a welcome breath of fresh air. The only problem is that due to various physical and mental health issues, I don't know to what extent I'll ever be able to take medical steps, like surgeries and possibly even hormones. I'll take it one step at a time but I'm worried.

I'm going to buy some clothes and start with that. I'm thinking even of cutting my hair. I did that last year, cut my hair ultra-short and it was interesting. I've never been someone to adhere to a specific look, even in my time as a woman; I've always been a tomboy, and I've always dressed and wore my hair how I wanted to. This just feels so much different. Ironically I've already told a lot of people close to me that I'm trans, and nobody's reacted terribly which is nice. I've been prepared to distance myself from anyone who can't be supportive. My partner has already made it clear that she'll love me no matter what my gender, or how or if I choose to physically transition. So I don't have to worry about losing my partner.

For me it's tied mostly in fear of the unknown, which is rooted solidly in OCD. But I feel like if I don't do something soon it's just going to get worse because I feel like I'm lying all the time about who I am, to myself. I do have a bit of fear around not passing, but ultimately I'm more afraid of my relationship with myself, and that no matter what I do I'll never be right with myself. Sometimes I worry that I'm not actually trans, that it's all in my head (so to speak) but I know it's not true because I've felt like a boy since I was a kid. I know because I can no longer identify as 'female' on applications with only two options without feeling icky, but at the same time I haven't legally changed my name or gender and I don't want there to be any problems so I just keep checking off 'female' where necessary. For all social media, and even at my university, I've been using my preferred name for quite a while.

Anyway, I guess this is sort of a ramble. If anyone reads this, and is dealing with transition (or did so in the past) in the face of dealing with OCD and other intrusive anxiety issues, I welcome your thoughts, or to share your experiences/advice with me if you feel comfortable doing so. I will check this thread just in case, but you can also feel free to private message me. I really need some support right now. Thanks!

I don't have anything specific to share. But I simply wanted to offer my best wishes for success with your transition.

Thanks Skeezyks. I appreciate it.

I am anxious tonight. Everything was going okay but I read a story earlier about a trans guy, and it triggered a lot of stuff for me. I'm pretty sure that's what the majority of my mental health problems are about right now, at this point in time. Being in the wrong body. I'm trying to take care of myself the best I can but I've been ignoring this for too long, trying to tell myself that I'm just confused and don't exactly know *which* gender apart from my assigned one that I am, and so there's no point jumping into transition, but I've always known. I've just tried to protect myself from the fact that there's a good chance I'll never be able to take the steps I need to take (the ones I would choose to take for myself, not according to some predestined or prescribed notion of transition) for various health-related reasons and I feel sick about it. I don't know how to handle this. I'm in the process of getting in touch with more trans guys but if it does turn out that I can't have a medical transition I'm not sure how to deal with it. I'm afraid I'll go completely insane, lose my mind, never come back from it.

I'm tired. Constantly tired. Constantly in pain, and I have OCD. None of it works in my favour, especially not right now.

Hi S ,

You remember me

OK , steps to take , I can help !! :

If you are not see a therapist already , start.
Tell your T what you are feeling inside , they will not run and hide , trust me.

Be clear to your T and yourself , you are making a life decision here , so think but do not over think !!

After a few visits with T and you feel comfortable , ask for a note of reason / responsibility to take to your doctor or find a doctor.

Tell your doctor or just show the note , they will not kick you out or anything like that , at the very worst , you doctor will say sorry can`t help.

Then find OR ask you therapist to recommend a doctor OR , see an Endocrinologist.
They are the HRT doc`s.

If you start HRT take then at the same time everyday. IE : if you start at 8 am continue at 8 am everyday , I have heard that matters.

After a certain amount ( 4 ~ 6 months ) your Endo. doc might suggest appearing your sex goal full time. Meaning your beard , chest binder ( a bra with no cups ) , male artier we talked about that.

After presenting as male after 8~12 months / Name and document change ( a simple court date . the judge will ask to view the papers and ask what you want to be called , and the judge will say so ruled . you will get the court doc`s needed for work / drivers license ,
In some states you must go thru with SRS to get a birth certificate change , some states not. ( U can thank Trump for mucking that up)

Once you have your documents find a very good hospital , one that is know for SRS . don`t settle for you local hospital unless you live next to a gender friendly hospital. ( no , do not go to Taiwan) , your Endo. doc. would refer you if need be.

After heal and be happy , you are not living a lie anymore !

I know sounds simple , it`s not , talk to your T and your Dr.`s for advice I would get arrested for saying !! LOL

Take care , I hope I have helped

KP. 

I've been talking to some trans guys I know who've already gone through their transitions. I was really scared to at first. But it's getting easier. I have imposter syndrom about this, afraid they're all going to laugh at me or call me a fraud or something. Instead they share how it was almost exactly the same for them when they were where I'm at. One guy (who I met a number of years ago on a camping trip with the trans youth centre) works for the trans care organization in my province and is going to look into counsellors for me, ones that are affordable for people with low incomes. So I'm a bit hopeful about it.

What a roller-coaster this is.

Hi S ,

Hey that is great , I have anxiety and a non existent level of self esteem , so I have a real good idea how you feel. But it`s weird , just when you think your going get a negative response , it turns out ok. Of course in the back of our minds it is never ok , but after it is super.

I am so glad that you are going to get the assistance you need , and I truly wish you all the good fortune to go your way.

You are not living a lie , damn , so envious.

I can talk the talk , but I can`t walk the walk , it sux.

I could help people and support them all day & night , but I can`t do a damn thing to help myself.

I guess that is why I am in therapy , because I want to be happy , I am not a bad person , I have every right to live a happy life.

The problem is I don`t believe it .

Love your self and you can own the world !!

Take care ,

KP 

Thanks KP. It's weird because I feel like I'm on the fence, even though I'm not. I guess judging myself that this isn't going as fast as I want it to. Or because it's complicated and messy and the OCD in me just wants to be able to arrange it in a neat little pile and slap a big bow on it and call it a day. I dunno.

Hi S ,

I can not comment as to wether or not we are on the same fence , but I will say , it never hurts to have a friend close by.

Stay safe, you are going to make it , call it what you will , but I can hear your voice and it`s telling me you will be a-ok.

I once had a friend who was an L , but to me she was the greatest gift I could ever ask for , we had such fun together , everyone else thought I was nuts to hang with an L , I didn't`t care.

I got sick , we both got different jobs , she moved on , I guess I did too.

But there is one small problem , I can`t remember her last name. I have tried so hard and we were so close , I mean close respectfully close.

Somehow I have block her last name , it `s locked away in my head somewhere.

I asked my therapist to hypnotize me , but my T says it is to dangerous for you right now , it may cause even more harm. I guess I have to find out why , before how.

I just wish I could find her and hug her and tell her I am sorry for letting you slip away.

Crap ?

Take care ,

KP. 

Spondiferous,

Please know that whatever you're feeling and how ever you might identify, that that's real and completely valid. There are no wrong genders and there is no wrong way to transition. I think your plan of just starting somewhere small that's manageable is a great place to begin expressing yourself.

And if that works, and you want to do more, great... And if it doesn't, great... And if right now you feel more closely identified with non-binary and in a week it is more masculine identified... That's great.

Identity is completely fluid. And no assertion of that identity is ever fake, or unworthy. Don't worry about all the steps, and the whole plan of when should I do HRT, when should I go for surgery, when should I....

The answer is, in my experience, you will when you're ready.
Just start small... Start taking a small step out from being right in front of that exhausting wave of constantly pretending to be someone and see how it feels, and when it feels right... You'll take another. And whatever path is made by all of those steps, it is the one that's perfect for you.

Lots of love.

Thanks so much Mia. It's so true. I know that logically and then I get a huge wave of dysphoria and I can't handle being in my body and I want to change everything at once but I can't. Just have to take a breath...root down...

Okay so this morning I took a huge leap. I blame/thank sleep deprivation. I am a big person. I've been big my whole life. And I've always faced a lot of backlash and animosity toward it. In trans care, there is a huge barrier for big people because the medical industry is discriminatory against fat people. (At this point I really don't care what the reasons are. It's gatekeeping - moderating who can and cannot access the care they need. If it was cancer, and I was dying, they wouldn't be standing around saying 'yeah but you need to lose weight first' because by the time I lost it I'd probably be dead and it'd be malpractice. So it's gatekeeping, end of story.)

I'm sharing this because if other people see this, and they are big people and having problems in transition, or scared about the opposition they will almost certainly face, I want this to be here. Anyone who has these problems can message me any time, even years from now, as long as I am on this website. Because I am having a hard time finding people who can or will talk about it, and without the backlash of fat phobia.

Anyway - I took a leap this morning in one of my FTM support groups on facebook and asked if anyone has any experience to contact me, either on the thread or in private, relating to hormones, binders, and advocacy for fat trans folks. I stated very clearly in the beginning that I am not interested in people's prejudices or explaining or apologizing for a discriminatory system. In other words I stood up for myself and showed up for myself and I feel ****ing great about it. The posting in that group is moderated and it hasn't been approved yet so there's the anxiety around, will they reject it because it goes against the status quo? I don't think they will. This is a necessary, urgent matter of immediate importance to lots of people in the trans community and they'd be foolish to reject it. It doesn't stop the worry though. There's so much stigma against bodies that don't fit the cookie cutter mold.

So. This is me today. I've been reaching out, slowly naming the beasties in my closet, for me and for others who are probably thinking and fearing the same things but unable to speak out. It's scary. I know I'm opening myself up for attack. But I really no longer give a ****. I'm tired of playing nice for other people's benefit. I'm tired of sacrificing myself because society tells me to. I'm just ****ing tired of being silent, of being nice, of sitting down and shutting up while all this stuff keeps going unchallenged and people who don't deserve it keep getting singled out, targeted, and held back from life-affirming, life-saving care.

That's my bit for now.

HI S ,

Very true , you have every right to be P****d , weight should not fact into your transition.
There is no reason any doctor would request you lose weight.

For a complete answer , I will provide two:

If you want to start HRT , I can`t see weight being an issue , simply because hormones play such a huge factor as we transition. You may gain more or lose more , hard to say.

If you are and have been on HRT and are looking towards SRS , then your weight might become an issue because of anesthetic issues , from my understanding it is about a 7 hour surgery , and that `s a long time to be under and intubated.

So those are the only 2 reasons I can think of.

If you are at the starting line , then weight should be a null issue , plan and simple.
Even as you become more aware of yourself , your weight will change.

All my best , take care .

KP. 

Update: my doctor referred me to a psychiatrist for my hormone readiness assessment In Canada it's required before anyone will prescribe hormone therapy. I'm excited about it because the person I'll be seeing has a really good reputation in the trans community and does a lot of good work and activism. Also it's a process over the space of a few sessions so I will have time to ask any questions and voice any concerns I might have.

Just want to say hi and that make sure you take your time. No rush to achieve your goal, even though you want everything done asap lol. I had some surgery done earlier and while I am happy with the results it has caused some issues socially so I like to encourage people to take one step at a time wish u success

Thanks Albie. I've been taking it super slow. I don't even know if I'm ready for hormones yet but I'm ready to ask questions and talk it over with someone who understand and has professional knowledge on the subject. The person I'm going to see is apparently the best person I could possibly see. So that's encouraging!

good to hear! ask plenty of questions and when you are ready to begin you will feel so much more confident. are you considering top surgery at some point?

It's hard to say. The unofficial answer is 'yes'. It's the only surgery I am actually considering and interested in getting.

I had my first appointment today in my hormone readiness assessment. It appears this will be a much shorter process than I thought. I'm feeling pretty great right now. The psychiatrist I'm seeing works specifically in trans care and it's super validating. Also there was a student sitting in - a psychology PhD student who specializes in gender and sexuality - and it was really nice to meet someone else who wants to fight the good fight. I'm feeling optimistic to say the least. This really went so much better than I ever could've hoped.

how are your meetings going? are you getting info on binding, hormones and others things you are searching for?

Hey Albie - the meetings are going really well. The person I'm seeing works specifically with transgender people so she knows her stuff. Plus she's super supportive, encouraging, and validating. I couldn't ask for anyone better at this point. I wish more people could have this experience.

Hey, so in your post, like in several others, you mentioned seeing a therapist. But what if you don't have enough money? I want nothing more than to talk to somebody who can actually f*cking help me (instead of just venting to my best friend and hearing her say "I'm sorry. I wish I could help.") I work at a KFC and help support my family with my $300 a week check while going to college part time. I literally don't have any financial way to afford a therapist. So what would I do?

I just happened on your reply. I'm afraid I don't have any easy answers here. But I wondered if you are familiar with transgender therapist Dara Hoffman-Fox's YouTube channel? Dara has many videos on her channel on trans-related topics. It's not a substitute for money to see a therapist in real life. But perhaps it can be of some small help. Here's a link to Dara's YouTube channel:

https://www.youtube.com/user/darahoffmanfox/featured

Beyond that, the only other thing that occurs to me would be, if there is some sort of LGBTQ center somewhere in your vicinity, you might contact them & see if they are aware of any options for free or income-based therapy services you could access.