[anthony81]

I honestly I do want help and need it

So I noticed the following issues I personally am having:

1) havent had any 'guy friends' for 10 years since college

2) feel uncomfortable in the alpha-male environment of gyms & bars.
either too insecure or I try to be like them but it never works.

3) cant seem to get myself to be into sports or drinking whatsoever

4) have a phobia of male barbers touching me. will only go to female

5) cant stand male roommates and crave only female ones. cant stand the smell and mess of a guys room. it disgusts me. and I feel threatened. feelings of insecurity "triggered".

6) in school, simply could not fit in with the boys. too anorexic looking. always look like Im about to get beat up. was picked on too.

7) obsessed with girls to the point of spite and slight jealousy of them,
while also wanting to constantly be with them or "be them".. as a
reaction to the above perhaps. as an escape into somewhere I feel
safe and comforted and secure.

8) Very strong fetish for 19 year old white girls. I am 31. I cannot take
my eyes off them. what they wear. their feet and toes. their hair.
their friends. how they talk. what they do. trying to get with them.
feeling such high level of comfort around them, like I am one of them.
fantasizing about having slumber parties and sleepovers with them.
tickling them. playing with them innocently. taking it 'further' with them.
my first real serious hookup was 19 when I was 25 and I felt such
bliss and comfort/safety in her arms and felt like equals.

9) really dont get along with my father. he is verbally abrasive/abusive
and we have a serious disconnect. my uncles are similarly brutish men
from the old world who drink and smoke and are "guys' guys".

10) no siblings. mother left at a young age. was a shy, lonely child who
just drew pictures and watched a lot of TV/movies. TV was best friend.

11) when I see couples around town. I feel jealous and spiteful and think what is she doing with "That guy" he looks like a total turd. My uncomfort with men turns into quiet hatred for what he has.. her in his arms.

So Here are some innocent questions to ponder:

* What exactly is my problem?
* How can I change this problem?
* Is it caused by social awkwardness during high school?
* Not getting into sports at a young age?
* Issues at home growing up?
* Not having had a high school or college sweetheart? Is that it?
* what is this personality disorder called?
* is this potentially affecting my dating and meeting 'normal' women?
* is it a personality disorder I havent heard of?
* have You had this or known someone like me?

[regretful]

I think that number 9 and 10 might be the real keys to everything above and below that. Who nurtured you in your life? There's a lot of information on attachment theory that you might find interesting if you want to understand this from a purely psychodynamic perspective.

From what you've said, it doesn't seem like a personality disorder, but rather a longing to be cared for an accepted by someone who is soft and cuddly. But there are some traits of dependent PD and borderline PD going on there.

I read a lot of your posts from yesterday. Good luck with your progress and getting some help. A therapist might really help you dig deeper into these relationship matters. You could also benefit from the several suggestions that people provided yesterday on where to find a nice friendship that can turn into a long term relationship.

Good luck to you.

[anthony81]

omg you are the first person who I feel is 100% correct so far!! I have spent many posts on here trying to root out what is the original cause.

You are sooo right.. I constantly seek "soft and cuddly", something to make me feel safe/secure and comfortable. I just realized I may have come off too sexual in earlier posts when it is not sex itself that I crave but the closeness and warmth of a female body.

I should also mention I really love pets. not in some twisted way but I just love caring for them, feeding them, watching them grow.. and snuggling with them.. especially cats. I feel like I want to nurture it as a child.. because I crave that nurturing.

God bless you so much for this!!!!!

Originally Posted by regretful

I think that number 9 and 10 might be the real keys to everything above and below that. Who nurtured you in your life? There's a lot of information on attachment theory that you might find interesting if you want to understand this from a purely psychodynamic perspective.

From what you've said, it doesn't seem like a personality disorder, but rather a longing to be cared for an accepted by someone who is soft and cuddly. But there are some traits of dependent PD and borderline PD going on there.

I read a lot of your posts from yesterday. Good luck with your progress and getting some help. A therapist might really help you dig deeper into these relationship matters. You could also benefit from the several suggestions that people provided yesterday on where to find a nice friendship that can turn into a long term relationship.

Good luck to you.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by anthony81

* What exactly is my problem?

To me it sounds like a matter of perspective, the point of view you're taking. For instance, you asked in another thread:

Why are Girls so Flaky and Selfish?

I'd say that the farther you pursue a question phrased that way, the deeper you'll be digging yourself into your own ideas about girls -- which the "girls" will be less and less likely to share. You and they are likely to end up strangers to each other more than ever.

Imo, you'd do better to turn that question 180 degrees and ask instead:

What's in it for me to see girls as flaky and selfish?

[Koko2]

I don't mean to be rude or blunt, but you sound like a "lesbian with a penis". That is, an androgynous male who's attracted to females. Maybe most people, including the females you're attracted to, mistake you as gay.