Too fat and Ugly to get a girlfriend

Well keep trying

I was actually just on Christian Mingle and there are a ton of people on there who are just in my immediate area, you'll find someone on there don't worry.

Hey I know this is a older thread but I wanted to put my two bits in. I am a 40 m that used to weigh 354 a lot of that was muscle mass that I gained from power lifting and the other part is I used to be a flat bed truck driver that I used to lift tons of heavy equipment on a daily basis I quit driving truck and now weigh 271 but I don't have and body definition. First I was wondering how the weight loss is going op? I hear you on the lack of confidence as I suffered from that in my youth now this might sound silly and feel silly but this worked for me so while I would be brushing my teeth in the morning I would look at myself in the mirror and say nothing but positive things about myself stuff like I am good looking and I am smart. Now this took a little bit of time but I really started to believe what I was saying. I don't do that much anymore but if someone came up to me and was to ask me if I thought I was ugly or good looking I would tell them I am the hottest one around. Now from what I could see is you are socially awkward so instead of going to a bar or club full of chicks to pick up one or of your luck two go to a sports bar and start talking to some dude. Now the reason I am saying this is so you can build up some social skills and heck you might make a few friends and who knows down the road they might have a sister or friend that they can hook you up with they might even have a gf that could hook you up with one of her friends. Another place you could try is church for friends or a girl. Now as far as going to clubs you need a nice outfit I would suggest a pair of black pants that you find comfortable to wear and a loose fitting button down shirt I like a shirt with a pattern I like longer ones so I don't have to tuck it in. Oh and you are never to old to go to a club. You just need a little swagger man and that will come in time. Also if you get shot down don't worry about it I don't like to be aggressive when hitting on a girl I like to buy them one drink and get a conversation started and go from there. If I was near you I would take you out to party.

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Sorry for providing my opinion at this time, as it may even no longer be relevant considering when this was posted, but like the last post I wanted to provide my of perspective on this.

You sound like you've been lonely for a long time, you crave affection. Now you ask yourself why don't I have any friends? Where is that one girl you're suppose to love? Sorry to say, that these are not things that simply happens, they are worked and developed from your own commitments. And you know that. Then the question is, what am I supposed to do to get to this?

The answers you have so far received would almost virtually seem like a big joke because they tell you what you want but not how to get there. I'm fat, then lose weight. I'm lonely, then go out and socialise. Not productive or practical advice in my experience. However, Im not going to give you a complete answer because in truth your going to be on a long journey in order to obtain them. 'answer only have meaning if they have been worked for' I'm just gonna tell you where to take the first step.

Like someone else already said on this board and which you need to work on first, is that you need to learn to appreciate yourself and your attributes. It is the fundementals of confidence. Confidence is knowing that you can contribute to someones life in a positive way and you are proud of that contribution. That contribution can even simply be your unwavering loyalty to someone, your passion in an interests such as art of video games, your need for growth etc. Different people look for different things in a relationship, working on this will allow people to gravitate towards you, since you provide a need or your a source of intrigue. As you maintain this, your contributions to others will develop, grow or you may come to learn or realise you have a lot more to give but as said you must take notice on your positive points and work on them in a practical way.

Bottom line is, you need to love yourself, before anyone can even start to love you. Because no one is going to love you out of pity and people have their own problems to burden, let alone yours. So you MUST learn to love and help yourself as a start.

There is no point being surround by people 'if you still feel lonely amongst them', infact your loneliness is worse this way. so don't rush for peoples affection, until they are deserving of yours. Find your confidence first. Read up on confidence building, read up on losing confidence become an expert on this field but apply it, practice.

The saving grace is that in the histroy of mankind, millions will most likely have been in your situation and their experience will become an important guide for you. Make use of that knowledge and learn from it.

Goodluck.

Kris, even if you have given up on getting a girlfriend, don't give up on your own self !

You can lose weight, be healthy and fit, and enjoy a great active life ! Let that be your focus.

If, someday, someone does come along, great ! If not, at least you're keeping yourself healthy and occupied.

NEVER rely on someone else for your happiness. I have learned that the hard way.

Damn bro why are you not at the gym????? You're 6 ft and 310??? You could drop some of that weight and be HUGE!! I'm 5'11 and 147 I'd kill to have a few extra pounds!!

This might sound harsh but I say this out of pure love man because I really feel your pain and I know how hopeless you feel. Get off your butt! If you're not working and don't have much to do that might be why you feel so crappy! I know it's difficult..

Maybe no one has said this stuff but you gotta get busy. Believe me once you make an effort you'll start feeling better. As long as you're not doing anything about your "problems" you're gonna feel bad.

Online dating=BAD IDEA!!! You think your self esteem is in the crapper now? Get with someone who's struggling with the same things and see how that goes.
You might not be anti social. Your social anxiety might just be because how you view yourself.

On line dating... a big No No. Its all over blown. Lots of good advice coming on her for the OP and I think the bottom line is to look at yourself and see what you want to see.
I have been living with been incel all my life and despite been a virgin at my age with I kind you not no emotional or sexual experience at all I have only in the passed year or so been able to come to terms with this. Not every bit of advice will be useful to you but as I say in the first line... you need to see yourself for what you want to see.

I agree with Motown here....

1st thing 1st ..... beauty is a perception attitude with a purpose or desire it what is needed here. Because your 32 years old and never had a girlfriend isn't the problem

What I read from the initial posts is that you stay home 99% of the time. Well change your habits go out for walks --- try at first just say Hi and making eye contact then progress further with conversations

2nd exploit your hobbies : If you are a gamer then find groups of gamers you'll have similar interests . If you work out locate work out partners. Truly what a woman wants overall is a good man ... one that will be there when she needs you . One that can empathize with them. One that can help when needed and understand when you yourself don't understand

First be grateful for what you've got and proactive on what you can change. You're tall ( which women love ) and can lose weight and get in shape. I'm a lot older than you. Try going though life 5' 1" and bald since 20 then you'll know how it feels to be made to feel almost like a leper by women. It's only in the last year that i've met a few women and got a bit of confidence. I'm chatting online to a women and so far so good but whether she'll still want a relationship when she sees me who knows? My self image and lack of self esteem is probably just as bad as yours but you have to make an effort and put yourself out there.
Staying in 99% of the time and working out on your own ain't the way to do it mate. Go to the gym and try and get a gym buddy. Don't dismiss online dating and like illegal toilet said it doesn't have to cost money. Sure it can make you feel like crap, but there are decent people on there and like they say 'you gotta be in it to win it'. You just have to develop a thick skin.
Get out and do stuff. whatever it takes get outta the house.

This might sound redundant but its true, chicks dig confidence so you have to search and find some. If you think you are fat then work on it. You are the only one that can do it, people can cheer you on and support you but it all falls on you so you have to find that inner strength and become the man you want to be.

I was 6'1 308lbs and now I'm 230lbs if thats any motivation for you. I wonder if you have issues surrounding rejection and performance like 95 percent of people do? I bet you women have liked you and many more will in the future

I remember when I was pushing 290 lbs and felt very unhealthy and didn't even want to go to the doctor because I was afraid he would say I was prediabetic. I also had extra low self confidence and have been kind of a loner all my life and no longer had any friends. I also have never had a girlfriend. Well fast forward a bit I got a physical job and started dieting. I pushed myself hard everyday because I no longer wanted to be that guy. In fact at my job I wanted to be the best and fastest... these guys were all in great shape but I pushed myself to keep up with them and some. Eventually I started running and doing pushups, situps, and dumbells. I lost over 100 lbs. I started to get a lot of attention, and didn't handle it very well and became kind of obsessive. I did feel more confident, but you see when you finally drop most of the weight you now see that you are competing with the guys that have already been skinny or fit and it turns into a different kind of ballgame. So I made it my goal for some reason to be in as good shape as a MMA fighter probably because I thought someone made fun of me and also bulk up a little. Well I have to admit I really was in basically that great of shape and then everything went to hell. I thought I was being harassed by coworkers in many ways sexually and other ways on a daily basis and was getting certain attention I never handled before in my life. I thought I was being made fun of when I may have been complimented. I was then hospitalized for a mental illness which would later be diagnosed as schizophrenia. It has been multiple years of hell because of that illness. Well I don't work out as hard, but still focus on diet and staying kind of fit. I also broke my arm last year and can no longer do what I used to. Still a loner, still no girlfriend, less motivated,but I still feel better than I did at 290. I find that what really holds me back is just the actual effort involved and the anxiety of getting into something new/unknown. It is ok to feel uncomfortable and I have to remind myself this. Recently got kind of obsessive again and bought a bowflex and a ton of other supplements because I am starting to feel like I am getting too weak and no longer feel competative. I want to work on the intellectual side, but probably because of my work It becomes about the physical. I hope to take the time to study a little this year and hopefully get into college sometime next year. I hope my illness never comes back. I am 27 now btw. Good luck change takes time and a little effort. A walk everyday on empty stomach is a good start.

I am 34 and nothing changed. I did however fell for my 17 year old step dad's daughter. She got in a fight with parents last Tuesday then that night her grandparents came and got her. She will be leaving for Navy bootcamp on October 7th. So I won't see her for awhile. I hope she will be great in the Navy and live a great life. She is going to be 18 Sept 25th. I really love her and care about her and want her to be happy. She got mad at parents cause she took sexy pics and sent them to someone and parents found out and took her phone and iPod so few days later she went to our thrift store but refused to work and threatened to stay with her nanas. So her dad took her up on it. She's been cold to parents when she came yesterday getting rest of her stuff. She thinks she's done nothing wrong so she don't feel the need to apologize. I really miss her. I just wish she wises up.

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I have been diagnosed with social phobia and Dysmethia. I just stay in my room only leaves to eat or bathroom or shower etc.

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I am in no way an expert on anything, but you seem to have a lot of self-doubt. You don't want to go out and find someone because you can't see that someone would want you.

Do you have other interests, like books, cooking, photography, travel? I know many people that had no luck finding love/companionship until they stopped looking. One friend loved taking walks with his camera, snapping pics of flowers, trees, people. He joined a photography group where they learned to take better/different pics. He was never looking for someone, but a women noticed his pics which she found were beautiful and amazing. They met outside of the group and eventually got into a long term relationship.

The point is that sometimes you just have to stop trying, because the anxiety around trying to find someone can itself be a barrier to trying.

Oh I never tried really as I gave up before hand. I watch tv or internet all day. Been walking on treadmill 30 mins twice a day. I don't have any hobbies really. I like music, sports and fishing but haven't been in awhile.

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I weighed this morning at 328 which is depressing.

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It's NOT YOU!!

Online dating sites, especially OkCupid, POF, Tango Wire, etc., as notorious for hosting fake profiles, Catfish (people pretending to be someone else) and women who are only there to bolster their self-esteem by collecting as many messages as possible.

Online dating sites are a plague, inflicted upon the internet with the pay sites being an outright SCAM! Just check out Yelp or Yahoo reviews and you'll see page after page of 1 star reviews.

I've been on OkCupid and POF for just over a year. Despite going to the gym almost daily, working in IT with a six figure salary, own my own property and are reasonably good looking, for a guy in his mid 40's, I've only got what... maybe 2 semi-serious replies that went NOWHERE!

Do yourself a favor! Just avoid online dating, it's not worth it.