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#1
Dec 02, 2008, 03:49 PM
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ive been a member at PC several years and it seems to me that some members may not be aware of my story.. i've tried many times to begin it and ended with one of these
 where to begin? the beginning is always the best they say so i was born about 45 years ago to a loving mother and father.. Mom and Dad divorced when i was near 3 or so, cant remember the exact date but i guess i could look it up like so many other things i think about sometimes.. it hurt pretty bad when they divorced cause it was breaking up the perfect team as far as i felt at the time.. loved them both, still do, always will... Dad moved away, continued with life, found love and grew up himself (he was about 30 when he and mom married i think... mom had to work, she was devastated by the divorce and her feelings are still a mystery to me sometimes.. she was injured in a DUI accident that nearly killed her when i was near 9 and i lived with my sister, mom, her second husband and their son, my half brother when it happened... its an event that shapes my life in many ways... its so hard to watch a loved one suffer and to feel helpless.. i knew being nearby was sometimes the most that i could do and to try to catch her if she falls.. Dad is gettng older now.. we were close when i was young and we lived together at times as i grew up but he married a woman who just seemed to hate me and i could never understadn it... after moms wreck i was sent to live with dad and the other two kids stayed with mom.. it caused a division that is still an issue... Dads' wife was physically andmentally abusive... i learned to duck physically and stuff emotions ... Dad either didnt notice or didnt want to get involved and i didnt want him to break up with her on my account so i put on my happy smile and went to school... but all really didnt go well there either but at first it did and i made what i thought were friends easily... i couldnt take any more after 5 years of abuse and luckily i had an escape since mom was recovering and could deal with that many kids again... one day i walked in on my step brother raping his mentally challenged younger sister i lost control at moms cause when i told dad i didnt want to live with him anymore he said i wasnt his son anymore... this is about all i can write right now.. i'm feeling really badly and tired and i love you all... |
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#2
Dec 02, 2008, 04:20 PM
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Quote:
 It is so hard to be so young and see power so abused..innocence should never be so abruptly devowered...  I too, was a point in a triangle that was once a circle,,,and have been trying forever since to make circles... You are a good man sir,,and help so many... Thank you. Lenny
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I have only one conclusion,,and that is things change too quickly for me to draw them.... Sobriety date...Halloween 1989. I was plucked from hell...and treat this gift as if it is the only one... |
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#3
Dec 02, 2008, 10:07 PM
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your kindness is always welcome Lenny... i get older and now i have time to think back, line up and see with more carity those first events that began this career of healing for me... looking back is sometimes overpowering and overwhelming and sometimes i needed to step away and let my tears fall where others couldnt see... it seemed they rained inside forever.....
im so sorry you experienced those terrible things oasis.. i will never understand what it is that makes one person cause harm to another... even though i have retaliated many times, to begin a hatred is beyond my comprehension.. it slams the gears and wheels of an otherwise caring community of growth and potential... a family is no different.. growth ceases in an atmosphere of incivility... always sending kind caring vibes for you |
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#4
Dec 05, 2008, 06:58 PM
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Love you to NWTR. Sorry to hear about your past. Hope the future and present is MUCH better.
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Believe you can and you're halfway there.
--Theodore Roosevelt |
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#5
Dec 06, 2008, 12:01 PM
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Love you too ((Clyde)))) (psst.....we need more superheroes)
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 DocClyde
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#6
Dec 13, 2008, 09:19 AM
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i was never the same after i saw him raping her... i was in shock... i backed away, they didnt notice.... i turned, she wasnt crying then.... i became a zombie
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#7
Dec 14, 2008, 09:00 AM
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this is where the story begins to fragment, the place where the memories fragment, my different selves... i dont know which way to continue from here, too many 'me's' to try and chase down, to bring into one again, to continue the story...
i escaped from Dads.. he saw too.... he didnt say so to me then, neither did i... we kind of sidestepped it i guess... there was tension in the air... step mom and Dad were fighting and my confusion got deeper and i decided to be silent about it all... i wanted to get away... the walls were closing in... |
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#8
Dec 14, 2008, 12:55 PM
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Dad went into law enforcement after two service discharges.. upper level in a small area... he had to be silent about it.. i didnt know, i moved out, but first i visited mom for two weeks... at the end and in the middle i knew i wanted to move back to my home town.... those mountains always drew me in.... after i told Dad i wanted to live with Mom now, he said he didnt have a son anymore.. i cried very long then.. and Mom sat with me then............ she was so kind and caring to me in that moment... and now i see a sting of tears from her eye and it feels like mine too..
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#9
Dec 16, 2008, 12:08 PM
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nwtr such a sad story about your past
My question is do you feel that it is your parents fault for the actions you lead to today ? When I went to my T for those years I found out even though I was mentally and physically abused by my parents that I had control over my actions. Admitting to myself that I couldn't blame them for all the wrongs that I did was the start to recovery for me. I learned that it was me making those choices and possibly if they could take all thr abuse back that they would. I don't want to sound coarse or insensitive because I'm not but it has been my inner strength that allows me to perserver past all the trauma in my life D 
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#10
Dec 16, 2008, 01:51 PM
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thanks Timber, i do my best to gather good intentions in the words of others to the best of my ability... no, i dont blame my parents, they inherited their reality like i have.... it would just be nice if the abuse ended sometime...
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#11
Dec 16, 2008, 04:44 PM
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Quote:
What I mean is if you stick your hand in the fire and get burnt and realize that it hurt and then you continually stick your hand in the fire then you become a victim of yourself. Not trying to discredit your attempts but attempting to open a line of sight that you have the control and ability to change the actions in your life .... D |
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#12
Dec 16, 2008, 04:48 PM
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Thanks Tymber, you are helping me get a better grip on this.. you're right, being in the victim role is a no good place to be, thanks for pointing it out..
i spose that is why i write here... it 'unvictimizes' me 
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| DocClyde, Simcha
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#13
Dec 16, 2008, 05:16 PM
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the only person that has control over you is yourself ... No One can make you do anything that you dont make the decision to do first
I think you need to dust off the knees pick yourself up stand up for urself and determine if you want control back into ur life imho D |
| DocClyde
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#14
Dec 16, 2008, 05:18 PM
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im trying to Timber, thanks for helping and reading... we hardly know each other but im glad i can count on you to be a good guy when needed
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#15
Dec 16, 2008, 06:23 PM
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i am sitting here now thinking about the early years, the influences... my earliest memories of school are in kindergarten.. i had a real hard time with counting to 20, but once i got through that, i could go on to a million! that was power! i couldnt wait to show the teacher and i annoyed the whole class with it..
later, in 1st through 4th grades i was between Kansas and Colorado due to the divorce... some kids were picking on my sister.. they were pretty big but i knew that couldnt be a factor in stopping me.. i defended her anyway and in those days it was only fists and wrestling.. i guess they werent expecting that and they might have decided we'd both be tired by the end of the school year... sister and i have grown close and apart at different times. right now it is pretty sensitive... |
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#16
Dec 17, 2008, 12:54 AM
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was thinking about the ex wife today.. still hurts a lot to think about and dont mean her any harm ... she was younger than i ... she wanted a chance to excel, succeed, raise a family, be in love.... our relationship began as a family kind of friendship.. she was very young then and i watched her grow, was her friend, she fell in love...
i was still in pretty bad shape those days.. i could function but couldnt really connect with my emotions and we didnt communicate well... the depression was overwhelming but i tried to do the right things, the right stuff that would help the family grow.. we had a child together and we both adore him... but we differed in our ways and the gap grew wider.. i tried to reach her but we kept missing each others hand... it didnt really end well.. a lot of hurt and confusion... circumstances stacked the deck against me... our son loved her so much i finally had to give up the battle.. i didnt want him hurt anymore |
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#17
Dec 17, 2008, 08:02 AM
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when i was married, work took me away from the family a lot... i stayed in touch all i could but stress was driving me 24/7... i would kick back with some beers for some relaxation on the weekends sometimes.. i carried many 12 racks to their grave, always remembering to pour some on the ground for our lost homies... my wife really disapproved... i tried to explain myself but the words wouldnt come then...
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#18
Dec 19, 2008, 08:13 AM
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i apologize that this is getting mixed up now, the fragmented memories come when i open the door... one central theme in my life that pops up over and over is this topic of homelessness...
Dave, you are right, i control where i go and what i do, and only i am responsible for it... (might be an exception or two tho) when i was 15 things with mom werent going so good... there were 3 kids and moms broken back, and maybe a cat, i cant remember now... i was the middle chil, the outsider and newcomer... the family had been trying to reconstruct, moms place in life had just come really heavy for her... her 2nd and last (so far) husband decided that he couldnt stay around and left the state... mom was alone but she had gramma and a cousin her age to lean on.. i was young, fresh really... i thought i had a future somewhere still and i came to moms with a fresh attitude towards it all.. i was lifted whenever i looked up and saw my mountains nearby... gave me hope, energy, beauty to look at almost anytime.. we lived within walking distance and i would dream of rolling down the hills like a cylinder.. i didnt understand a lot of stuff then, i was just glad to be someplace where i wasnt being abused anymore and i enrolled in high school and met my sisters group of friends.. they were different, but it was fun, we were young, smiles, rock and roll, girls and freedom.... mom gave me a lot more fre space than dad ever did... i knew i was supposed to help mom.... i tried to tune into her needs... she could snap into a dark place without warning and i always stayed sensitive to the switch cause someone got hurt each time... |
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#19
Dec 27, 2008, 10:16 PM
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(((((((((nwtr)))))))))) if ok, thanks for sharing your story
I hope it helps, getting it all out like this, when you feel like it You are always such a great help to everyone on this site It's your turn now Blue
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| nowheretorun
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#20
Dec 28, 2008, 04:48 AM
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(((Blue)))) i have been following your life now for over one year... my heart has extended to you all the care and support which i alone can summon for you... you matter and are a part of our community... we each care for you in our own unique way and without doubt, we each in our own way, hope or pray for your freedom from suffering... i believe in spirits and powers beyond anything ordinary and i believe, no, i know, that the spirit of good will towards others uplifts many... i have read many of your caring thoughts for our community and i admire many of your traits... i am always praying for you ...
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| Blue93
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#21
Dec 29, 2008, 09:16 PM
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Quote:
Hey... you aren't alone. I come from a long line of abuse in my own family. I "divorced" my own alcoholic (actively, not in recovery) and emotionally abusive father last summer to set a clear boundary as to what is and is not acceptable toward me as I am an adult. I haven't heard from him since and hey, that's acceptable to me. I made a choice and I stand by it. Are you in therapy with a psychologist? It took me years to learn to deal with the physical and emotional abuse/neglect on both sides of my family. I still deal with it in a way, although with therapy it doesn't affect me as much. Talking about it is the first step. Silence kills the soul as it is denial--denial is deadly. Talking about it with empathetic, understanding, and intelligent people who have experience with such matters (either in a support group and/or private therapy) is the key to escaping the past. Oh yeah... I forgot to mention that I wasn't allowed to have any feelings/emotion that are separate from my family's when I was a child, and was not allowed to express anything that was my own emotion or thought. I was supposed to be seen and not heard. Yeah... that didn't work out well. I also recommend writing in a journal anything and everything you want. It really helps. If you do art or want to give that a go, you can draw pictures in your journal or take photographs that help you express feelings you cannot put into words. Be well. You are not alone. Many of us here have the same problems. Post here frequently. There is also a survivors of abuse thread that is really helpful.
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--SIMCHA |
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#22
Dec 29, 2008, 09:36 PM
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(((Simcha)))) replying now since i am off and on at different crazy times these days, thanks a lot for your words andcares, for identifying and understanding.. getting it out is really helpful and with the others on the forums we are creating a co-healing that i am enjoying very much
processing the emotions, even though i can function, are still anxiety producing experiences for me.. i use meditations, visualizations, prayer, inner dialogue, and several other methods to manage my plate... i could choose to make my plate less full but there is a thing in me thats hard to describe... its something like a life duty to someone i havent seen in a very long time... i wont stop, cant stop.. will keep writing and talking and connecting with better health until i am gone from here, after that, i dont worry cause i feel its right to do the best things im capable in this moment... i get tired like others and feel sad that the hope was an illusion, ive felt spent and torn and upside down too... whats my choice tho? quit? not a good option so i just keep going... Simcha, we dont do this work alone and we get little from anywhere that wasnt by way of someone somehow... thanks for being here
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| Simcha
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#23
Dec 29, 2008, 09:57 PM
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Quote:
Rainbows follow the darkest stormy days you know... Rainbows are also a reminder to me of a promise that I have not forgotten. Sunshine too, always follows darkness. These things I have not forgotten. Have you read Victor Frankl's "Mans Search for Meaning"? Heavy stuff, but a good one.
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--SIMCHA |
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#24
Dec 30, 2008, 06:46 AM
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heavy doesnt scare me if the wording is enjoyable and pleasant... i may have read the one you refer to Simcha, to be honest, ive taken in so much media about my issues that there might have been some turning point back in my past where it was enough finally.. at times it feels like every book written on the topic is lodged somewhere in my brain, reference able by me, not categorized by author, but instead by subject.. a meaning of life, for life , about life... all means the same to me.. read it first if you must, but choose to live it at some point in your own way... best always to you my friend
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#25
Dec 30, 2008, 07:34 AM
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an afterthought Simcha, yes, i have been and continue to do therapy in my own way, through the experience of life, applying what ive learned so far and creating caring, growing relationships with others to the best of my ability always, everywhere i go, in real life, and here (trying anyway).. a simple rule i follow is that 'everyone is my teacher'... sometimes that puts the other in a place of not wanting to be my teacher.. i need to accept that and move on.. as the student, in class or on the grass, i am always learning, always processing, always asking and always searching... the answers are always right before my eyes, it is often only a matter of being still, and listening.. best to you again
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| DocClyde
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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