I'm recognizing the all-too-familiar pattern of finding a new target... Someone to genuinely relate to. And then my imagination takes hold & they enrapture me. I make myself available & interesting & irresistible. And I get them to feel the same way. A cerebral back-&-forth that makes me weak & yet wholly powerful. And then it culminates into a short-lived, fascinating, thrilling tryst that isn't soon to be forgotten.

Though it is inevitably subject to my leaving due to boredom or conflict, I just miss it. Or need it. I can't decipher which.

I just want to have a FRIEND. I pathologically crave the heights of passion & that feeling I get from being everything to someone, even for a short while... But the dissipation just leaves me lower than I was. Not to mention I cannot risk another falling-out with my boyfriend.

I've been doing so much better -- though I'm not sure if that's due to effort in therapy/habits or due to the immense distraction I've put myself through. I just feel like I am about to explode. I can't make any decisions at this point because I have no concept of what is right... What I want to do is what I can't do. I'm confined & conflicted & this just really isn't going as planned. What is the virtue of self-discipline when it turns into self-punishment?

I was told by someone recently that the amount of things we reflect is so much more than what we believe it to be. Unfortunately the things you write of are the so many problems we have that cause us to act in ways for reasons that are whT entangled our minds. Most importantly is that we obviously recognize that we have issues. Second is learning our negative thoughts and actions and begin to slow down, take a minute and let our thoughts go or realizing what we want to say isn't really what it is. That once we begin to do this is when it becomes easier and easier to control as time goes on. I suppose much of us who are self aware are really just that. We know what we do but yet as much as we say we're going to do better we really are still the same. The only real difference is we know our titles and this makes us think we are doing better. Once again the tug-o-war still continues in our heads and 99% of the time the N in us wins. On the plus side we do want to be better people, to have others understand that we are trying to be a socially better people. I know that we can do this but I agree with the one who told me, until we really recognize our patterns and stop to take it I we will never do better. Our weakness is our minds, our worries of not reflecting back properly. We are all human and we need to accept that we too can be weak, wrong, allow our minds to be ok when things don't go our way. We don't have to be right all the time, we need to just be on with ourselves and not worry as much what others think. We will do this and I know it helps for us to write our thoughts here, these are the things that help me more than my actually therapy. At least we are not alone as so many of us have the same problems. There are so many steps that are part of the road to recovery and I believe with the amount of us here speaking on the parts we're at will make our Travels down this road easier for some. So know your not alone!!

Byw I wrote all this from my iphone so please excuse the grammar and spelling. I know that the N in some of you would like to point this out to me

Thanks, Underground... That makes a lot of sense. I'm just having a hard time internalizing it. Stubbornness, denial, or maybe both!!

Lmao well I got to rip on you about your formatting in the other thread. You've been helpful, so I'll be nice!

Narcissistic maybe??? Lol. All the wonderful skills we have taught "ourselves" and yet it's like many of us share all these common grounds. That really tells me how we go through things in our past that makes us so alike and yet non of us ever would of been here without seeing we have issues. Issues that make us so intune to one another. I finally have been sharing with my T things about me she has yet to hear. It's been about 6 months of sessions once a week and I am finally opening up about my real mind and how it sees the world and all in it. The last two sessions I began this and at the second she started writing everything down. She hasn't done this since our first meeting, what is that?? I also feel that she doesn't understand this much. When we speak of my marriage and communication issues she can go on and on. When we speak of how I look at things in my N ways she looks lost. I explained to her that I sent an email out to a team that I coach parents. The first one was very nasty and attacking but I held off from sending it mostly because my wife said please don't send that. The next day i did the complete opposite, I wrote a very encouraging email that thanked all these parents (who most of them I cannot stand) thanking them for their cooperation and support. She said well look how great that was, I had a choice and I went away from my normal instincts. When I told her I did this as a way to say screw you as they never expect me to write in this way she looked lost again. She them asked so you wrote this to manipulate them and I replied "exactly". Having this Npd thing I understand, I understand many of you here as well. Can the ones who don't share this really understand? If so I think this make them very special and I can only hope to find a T one day that does. This is my second one so do I really want to change only to repeat the same stories over and over? Who knows, as I told her yesterday the person who makes the difference is the ones sitting across from you. Their the ones doing all the work to do better not the T. I look back on this as my N ways and want to stop showing them so often. I really need to stop challenging everyone, even in the most minimal ways.

Originally Posted by Underground

I sent an email out to a team that I coach parents. The first one was very nasty and attacking but I held off from sending it mostly because my wife said please don't send that. The next day i did the complete opposite, I wrote a very encouraging email that thanked all these parents (who most of them I cannot stand) thanking them for their cooperation and support. She said well look how great that was, I had a choice and I went away from my normal instincts. When I told her I did this as a way to say screw you as they never expect me to write in this way

Now THAT is me, nutshell and all!! I have done that, will do that, make no apologies for that, but funny...I'm told when I rewrite/say/do the 'correct' thing, I'm 'making progress' to being a 'better person'. Ridiculous. I just realized upon further thought, what I wanted to do was much better done the second way rather than the first. Fine tuning the apathy of my interest in them.

Fine tuning the manipulation. I want a 'friend' also...but I already have so many who think I am their friend, now. I raise, and feed and let go and they wander off a little confused, but I'm too apathetic to really care. Unless, of course, I can't find a replacement fast enough. Then, I may call on them...and they'll be happy, and I'll be miserable, because you just can't re-ring the bell.

Is that cold? Or just self-aware? It's ok...wait for it...my deeply ingrained guilt gratis BPD will swing me the other way in a moment, and the self-loathing can begin in earnest.

[peacefulplace]

Have you tried talking about your feelings with your boyfriend? It could make it easier to have extra support.

I do, but it typically ends with him being all paranoid that I've either done something again or will do something again. Paranoia. Suspiciousness. I'd just rather ride it out by myself these days... At least until he gets himself checked out.

Now was it not you who said that you thought it was over for sure after the last thing you did to him??? Funny how we are so good at getting things back when we want isn't it? We are all stuck in the same or close enough to the same stages of our issues (Speaking on the NPD only). We do recognize that we have things to work on and until we do just that it continues to be the game of i'm better because I know my issue and that makes me right!!! Well is that not far from any truth huh.... What is the real meaning of our thoughts that makes us feel and operate? We have our ups and downs and unfortunately many of our problems are what gives us are so called ups most of the time. Tell me how you felt when you "knew" it was over with him and when you were able to bring him back the accomplishment was what? Do we really feel bad for doing the things we do or is it the fact that we know we can do these things and the "game" of righting our wrongs is what the end goal is. Not in the sense to be better people but in fact to hurt the ones close to us just to see what it takes at any given time to pull them back to us. I know that we specialize in becoming whats needed for all end games. What we want is set in our minds in a way that is far from how normal people go about reaching their goals. I try to imagine what is right as I do still very quickly go on the defense or make excuses. I now think afterwords and usually realize I handled the issue not in an appropriate way. Why do I still enjoy being a d£$k to people who I am close to? People who would always help me or should I say that I would mostly manipulate into doing so. I do not think that the steps are large enough for reaching a better way. At the same time baby steps are even to large it seems. On a positive note we understand that we do not share minds in a normal fashion. Our thoughts are very complicated when they really do not have to be. Part of why and who we are. Some of us are laid back and others are high strung but in the end we all have the same tactics whether its upfront in your face or methodically planning behind the scene with a smile on our face. Until we get in the mode of pulling our demons out and facing what we hide we will never do better for others. We have made so many stories in the face of others to be who we want to be seen as that it becomes very hard for truths to be known anymore. One day some of us will get there however difficult, long and impossible it may seem. We do share the mindset now adays of seeing our ways so that in itself is something more than when we thought we were like everyone else. As far as the title you have created here don't stress to much as we will continue to slip and when we don't for a while we will once again. Our moments come and go whether good or bad but at least we keep moving ahead and that's all that matters. Not trying to preach just giving my own insight in the ways I see things. Not that it means much cause I could easily go back to my N ways at any moment. Good luck with you and don't worry for anyone else!!!

Everything you said was so incredibly true & helpful, Underground.... *gives thanks & ego strokes*